to feel so overwhelmed with ASD teenage daughter?

This is great advice. Just teach your child not to be autistic op!

🙄

Really interested to hear your ideas on how you force a 13 year old with ASD to do something she doesn't want to do?

don’t do any of this unless you want your child to develop CPTSD.

You can book a session and take them to see a therapist. You can't force them to engage but not facilitating help is more damaging in the role of a parent. My dd suffered abuse at school and was adamant she didn't want to see anyone. I still took her. 2 sessions in and she started off loading. It helped her and she recognises that now. If I hadn't given her the option I doubt she would still want to be in school now.

Bonkers, unethical, profoundly counterproductive, damaging to relationships, unsupported by evidence. That's just for starters. I guess AIBU is the place for MN's shock-jocks rather than informed advice.

You can't force therapy on someone. Even if you manage to carry them there under your arm and lock them in a room with a therapist if they refuse to speak it's pointless, Therapy isn't something that's done to you it's something you take part in.

Some of the responses on here are bonkers.

She is still the child though OP. I think you need to talk to her about medication and meet up with others who are taking it or using therapy and explain that you have to do something as her parent because you feel she is making decisions because she is a child.

When she is older and can choose for herself is when she can call you every name under the sun, but what she won't be able to say is that you didn't care enough to try.

maybe once she is no longer so stressed by school she will choose willingly to engage about any remaining anxiety?

I dont think therapy is the solution to everything - my own child is. having NHS counselling for anxiety and I think it's fairly low on the list of what is actually going to resolve her issues. You wait years for it and then you get a handful of sessions - even if she engaged full on weekly - she would still find school overload impossible?

ridiculous comments on here about 'forcing 'her to go to therapy. You can't force anybody to engage in a therapy session!

The child being discussed here is autistic - that means school is an incredibly difficult and overwhelming experience.

Op - what was she like in primary? has it got more difficult recently or has this always been hard?

She may need a completely different type of day to day environment - it literally just may be impossible for her to cope in school. Im sure you know all this and are going through options - I'm just saying as you are asking about anxiety.

The anxiety is caused by the environment - it's also normal for her not to want to go to the SEN unit - she is masking/ sttressed/ socially anxious and trying to cope and not let anybody see how much she is struggling.

If she's Gillick competent she absolutely does get to refuse/have a say in her medical treatment (in this case counselling or medication). You can't force a child that age to engage in therapy, and no therapist worth their salt would take them on if the young person didn't want to be there.

Her response of wanting control is a completely natural desire with anxiety.

What would she like you to do, or what does she want to be different?

Autism anxiety is different to typical anxiety you treat, the things that cause the anxiety are a result of how her autistic brain works. This is why they have 'autism friendly' events etc because what's required are adaptions, not trying to change with CBT etc.

It might be more helpful to look at what triggers her anxiety. Developing calming techniques at home. It may help her to discuss therapy as a way of helping her manage and offload her stress as opposed to a deficit that needs to be fixed. Other methods like workbooks at home, talking to other autistic teens at support groups, or chatting online might help. Autism organisations run things like online mindfulness and online art groups. These things focus on feeling good through an activity instead of focusing on anxiety. Talking to you will be a huge help too. She needs to feel understood and supported.

Some of the advice here is baffling. I’m the mum of a 14 year old girl with ASD/ADHD and anxiety. If I forced my daughter to take medication etc against her will, I doubt she would ever trust me again (she has refused to take medication for the past 2 years and we have understood and respected her decision, it is not the same thing as taking antibiotics).

OP, my daughter also finds school exhausting and other teenage girls impossible to de-code at times. The best thing we did was to try to get her school to understand what she needs (classroom adjustments, a quiet space when she’s overwhelmed, allowing her to be late some days etc). I find myself advocating for her a lot and anticipating issues where I can. We don’t push her to get homework done, like your daughter, mine is runnIng on empty when she gets home and needs a safe space to decompress.

We’ve found a good therapist and tried to understand and respect her emotions (including her feelings about therapists she hasn’t felt comfortable with).

At times it has been so hard and I find we have six months where it seems impossible and then it gets easier for a bit.

The exact point of disability is that in key respects you live differently to non-disabled people.

We now acknowledge, in law at least, that society has to remove barriers and change things through adaptations to allow people to be included as they are.

Truly hope it’s not dealing with neurodivergent young people.

My AuDHD child was not able to engage with therapy at a similar age.

We went and I went in with her and we talked together but she was not really able to talk beyond yes and no.

It was more successful when she was older (admittedly, after she had dropped out of school).

You may be able to persuade her to see a private psych who will prescribe but you'll need to convince her first.

And is that reasonable ?

Also has the therapy she's received to date been tailored for her as a child with ASD?

Please teach her to adapt to the world and not expect the world to adapt to her. If she has a way of doing things that allow her to live her life that will be much better for her.

So she says that if everyone just did as she needed she would be fine. Have you been able to talk to her about what it is she thinks she needs? I do think it is good that she is verbalising this, so I would praise her for telling you that there are things she needs, and encourage her to talk to you more about what it is she needs. What does she have in place currently, e.g. is there a quiet space in school that she can go to if needed? Does she attend any peer group sessions in school? Does she have friends? Are there lessons she could drop?

Is she still on the CAMHs waiting list currently?

Does she do anything relaxing or fun on weekends, and have things to look forward to?

Sorry for all the questions. I have been where you are in terms of having a struggling DD, but thankfully mine did engage with therapy (although it hasn't made much difference) and was open to taking medication.

Ignore anyone who says 'you are the parent, make her do as you say'.... this is nonsense as you cannot force her to engage or to take medication.

If she thinks everything would be better if everyone did what she wants, what does this actually look like? What does she want people to do?

Can you find a psychiatrist who can see your DD remotely and prescribe?

I have 2 ASD DCs. Both have anxiety and are on fluoxetine as prescribed by a private consultant psychiatrist. DD (now 16) has been having therapy since she was 13. DS who is now 12 can’t access therapy - he just finds it too hard. The psychiatrist only needed to see him for less than 2 minutes as she appreciated how difficult it was for him to engage with her. He can now, 2 years on from beginning the meds.

Both of mine ended up having to leave mainstream settings and are now at specialist schools. DD has autistic burnout as a result and is going to spend next academic year doing a non academic course to really take the pressure off.