to feel so overwhelmed with ASD teenage daughter?

I feel like she is ruling your life at the moment. I understand as my son has autism and he's 15, so I totally get it, but a 90 minute trip for Malteasers is crazy, not to mention the cost of the petrol. Next time just say the shops are shut but you'll put them on the weekly shopping list. It's hard but you need to implement some bounderies. Things like a new duvet cover need to be treated as something special, a reward rather than asking and getting. Same with the take aways. What home made foods will she eat?

Also have the TShirt.

What worked:

Adjustments at school - hall pass, able to go to student services anytime, able to use phone to message me etc

Decreased timetable - no PE, trips, assemblies here either (though felt this was a bit of a cop out tbh - it’s hard to know what’s what isn’t it - who wants to go to assembly) and staggered drop off and pick ups to miss the crowds (didn’t mind this one, who loves the school run traffic)

Reduced GCSEs she dropped a couple of subjects

For me - stopped discussing it with anyone. My daughter attempted suicide at 13. So my stock answer to anyone who questioned anything was ‘better alive and <insert thing> for me’.

Joined Not Fine in School and Parenting Mental Health and realised despite what I thought I definitely was NOT alone in not just what was happening but how I was feeling - these are amazing support communities

Constant communication with school student services we were very lucky with ours. That woman changed my life and supported us when it was so hard for both of us. Forever grateful.

What didn’t -

CAHMS and therapy paid privately in the end and did over zoom but she wouldn’t engage (like she told me she wouldn’t)

‘Being a parent’ or whatever crap I saw up thread. Forcing and fighting and disciplining doesn’t work it makes things a lot worse.

Comparing us to ‘normal’ families or the old version of us. Accepting where we were and dealing with it day by day. Not looking too far into the future.

I do have a positive outcome story she’s happy and well and studying law and criminology at college where she has 95% attendance and is thriving and looking at Unis. She’s got good friends and keeps her bedroom immaculate and it’s all a distant memory when it felt like it would never change. It also bonded us together very much as we went through it side by side rather than a battle and she knows I’ve got her back no matter what no matter when and I love her anyway regardless of the situations we find ourselves in.

You’re doing a great job and she’ll always remember how you supported her when her life was in chaos

It's really been a life changer for us. We are going slowly but we have eliminated multiple checks of DS in bed after bedtime, nobody else allowed in the TV room, he's going to the park on his own or with DD, and various other things he couldn't do.

Oh come on. How do you even get them in the car? I have a friend whose daughter is like this. Mum is at her wit's end. Daughter won't engage with any sort of help at all.

It is very stressful to see your child struggle. DD(15) is on the waiting list for autism assessment, last year was awful, she was self-harming and so anxious and sad.

Things that worked for us:
Counselling for me - initially some free sessions through my uni (mature student) and when these ran out I found a private counsellor, I appreciate that this has a cost. I found it so useful to be able to talk about my fears and worries with someone removed from the situation.
Art therapy for DD - school set up CBT for her but she just didn't turn up, was very resistant to any idea of talking therapy. After several months I managed to find a local art therapist, I introduced the idea very gradually, gave her opportunity to meet the therapist, reassured her she didn't need to talk. She loves art so this was a major hook for her.
Opportunities for joy - finding things that she really enjoys doing and helping her access them. She is fascinated by animals so this has included going to places like the city farm, my mum bought her a membership to the aquarium. Also found a new music teacher who is able to come to our house and is incredibly patient and has been great for her confidence.

She has all the usual accommodations at school, ear plugs/defenders, pass to leave lessons early, doesn't have to go to assembly etc. These have all made a difference but school is always going to be exhausting for her.

It's this

amzn.eu/d/790U5Ef

@drspouse yes ! I totally agree. Really important not to feed the anxiety.

Those are the kind of adjustments that can work but also can creep and creep till they become more than the actual school attendance. The fear of anxiety becomes greater than the fear of the thing itself.
It is also obvious that she's expecting the rest of the family to accommodate her anxiety which can also lead her to become more anxious and creep the changes she wants to be more and more.
So it's rather like the difference between finding noise really uncomfortable and being afraid that people will make noise.
Anyway, the book I recommended explains it better than I can.

I agree. There have been children with similar arrangements in every school I've worked in. As for raised voices, school staff shouldn't be shouting unless they really need to, if someone is behaving in an unsafe way for example. It's not always easy but it's something we should all be striving for.

It's sad that some posters think forcing therapy or medication on an Autistic teenager is acceptable. I once worked with a parent who physically carried their reluctant tween DD into a CAMHS appointment despite her struggling and protesting loudly that she didn't want to be there, they then tried to physically restrain her in a chair to prevent her from leaving. They were genuinely shocked when the therapist said she wasn't prepared to go through with the assessment. I sympathise with parents in this position, but people forget that children have rights too.

Like @Octavia64 my eldest dropped out of formal schooling when the anxiety was too much, he was only 10 though so a lot younger. He's a boy but like Octavia's experience the anxiety then dropped off and he was able to engage in education and in therapy etc. He has got a place to study his subject at UCL this September having reintegrated at 6th form.

Some of the advice on here is very good but some is terrible. I also have an autistic teen daughter she has engaged better with some therapies, she is also home educated because school made her issues worse. I know this isn't an option for everyone.

Don't push her into anything she can't engage with it will backfire.

If she likes gaming Mindjam might be an option for soft/ gaming based therapy. It's recommended by the NAS.

https://mindjam.org.uk/

Oh god I hope not.

(it's been used successfully in autism, with ARFIF and other similar issues).

We are having some success with the SPACE approach - it doesn't need the child to agree to participate. Look up spacetreatment.net

I remember you saying about issues with the sound of people eating- how is she more broadly with sensory issues? It’s taken me well into my thirties to really understand the impact of noise/light/texture on my autism. It’s been a lot of trial and error, but I think it’s something that occupational therapists can help with too.

A useful analogy is of a bucket - sensory inputs and general life demands go into the bucket, there is a hole in the bottom which slowly drains them out as they’re processed. Someone with a typical sensory profile has a bucket that drains at the “correct” rate- not too empty, not too full, and space for life’s demands to be added.

However, if this system is often disrupted like in autism, the bucket might not “drain” fast enough and even a little extra input or life demand causes things to spill over. On the other hand some people have a bucket that drains too quickly, so they might have sensory seeking behaviours to try and compensate.

in my personal experience, it’s pointless trying to do anything when you’re already on the edge of spilling over. Sensory techniques plus relaxation techniques have made a difference for me. Gets the body feeling that it is safe, rather than in a constant state of flight or flight. When you feel safe on that fundamental level, it is then more possible to engage with things like therapy and pushing the edges of the comfort zone.

It’s so annoying that GPs can’t prescribe Sertraline !! It has worked so well for my son. I can only suggest you try social stories - pictures of the Psych office, picture of the psych. List all the steps and show pics. Keep going over it. Also try and come to an agreement with school that she doesn’t have to do PE, drama. They should really take her stressors off the table - that is reasonable adjustment.

But if the child has mutism which can be part of social anxiety they are too scared to engage.

I am absolutely not saying that this mum has not tried hard enough! This mum asked for advice and I’m just saying that a firm approach worked with my son. I had to spell it out to him that either he worked with professionals to feel better or carry on through life feeling shit. The help was there for him - it was up to him. Every time he moaned about feeling anxious I had to take him through the steps that would make it better - I had a visual chart for him - like a social story.

As people have said, unless they actually WANT to talk you can push them through the door as much as you like and it will do no good. We tried and tried and tried with our daughter - online, offline, group, family, different therapists. She didn’t open up to any of them. We even tried texting with the therapist and she only replied in one word answers. All the control has to be with the child in the end. Not sure why people think this parent hasn’t done all these things as if they just haven’t tried hard enough.

I don’t think you should push. We were advised to push out ASD Dd into school. She self harmed.

Yes but you can be strong without pushing… My son was a school refuser for years. He then went to Y7 and lockdown happened, cue OCD, involvement with police, almost being sectioned. You name it. The ONLY thing that helped was medication. It has helped more than any therapy. I cannot tell you what a lifesaver it has been for him. Being firm but fair was the approach that worked for him.