Clare's Law - police visit, normal?

@MyPerfectHotel you've shown your teenage girl that it's good to trust your gut reaction and that the police will take threatening behaviour against women seriously. These are both good things for her to know. You've also shown her that you will do everything necessary to keep her safe. You have nothing to feel guilty of regarding your daughter. She has an amazing mother.

The charges against him concerning her came to nothing as she wouldn't talk to the police as she was too frightened of upsetting him and giving him something to come after her for.

Like other posters say, these men should be branded or something so they can't hide behind their fake 'nice guy' facade.

Good on you for doing the Claire’s Law application, op!

Being asked to come into the station is just how some forces do it, I think. It doesn't mean there's worse to come.
I requested Clare's law disclosure for a friend. I knew it would show previous problems as her new partner was very controlling and unstable, but she was under his spell.

It took a few weeks to come to anything.

It turned out he did have prior convictions and warnings on his file, so I warned her they'd contact her, which they did by phone, in which they outlined he had issues, and asked her to attend the station to hear/discuss them and for advice.

I don't know what he'd done as the info was only passed on to her, even though I'd requested it.

She wasn't angry, I'd gone behind her back as she knew it was done from a place of concern and love, but unfortunately it didn't stop her from getting back with him (they broke up regularly).

He ended up beating her up, locking her in her house and smashing it up. She managed to get away, and the police and fire brigade ended up having to make her home secure, including giving her a panic alarm, etc.

Even then, because he was so persistant and back in the lovebombing phase, after a few months of staying strong and keeping away from him, he managed to talk her into seeing him a few times, but she eventually saw him for what he was as he could never keep up the nice guy act for long, and she has moved on.

It took a year or so, but he eventually left her alone and stopped stalking/harassing her, and now it's been several years without contact.

I assume he found another victim, and that's why he's moved on.

@MyPerfectHotel well done on seeing the signs and walking away. 💪🏽💐

Just want to reiterate what other posters have said, OP, that you’re remarkably brave and well done for not only listening to your instincts, but also for being strong and ending the relationship. You are a great role model for your daughter.

I am so sorry about your parent.

Also, lots of posters raised a question about why these men can’t be branded on their foreheads when they’re dangerous? God, I so wish this could happen. Even a numerical brand scar like 001 for rapist. 002 for DV. 003 for child molester. Or a QR code. Anything!! These men are dangerous and disguise themselves as ‘good’ men time and time again. The price women pay is too costly. A quick branding iron to the forehead could save lives.

OP, I’m thinking of you.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of well done, OP. So glad you trusted your gut-I know how easy it is to minimise this sort of behaviour as I've done it myself, you being strong enough to do the Clares law check is admirable and I hope inspiring to any lurkers who need to see it

@MyPerfectHotel How very frightening for you.
It's not remotely ''normal'' for a man's mother and sister to be contacting an ex partner.

{I really liked and respected a relative's ex wife, but when the divorce was underway, I didn't contact her}

Seems like your intuition was right- It so often is.

Always trust your instincts and that inner voice.

The Police sound pretty good in your case.

Ring doorbell is a good idea. 👍

Just to say well done you for listening to your gut, applying for a Clare's law, and then acting to keep yourself safe. You've done brilliantly.

I think you are under playing it for the police to be this worried he is a bit more than a cock, your child could be at risk.

Did we all go out with the same man?? Terrifying how many women get stalked/harassed to this extent. My Claires law disclosed he had 8 previous victimes. 8 separate women who were stalked/harrased/threatened/revenge porn/attacked. All of which when it came to court they were too terrified to testify against him. So he got off Scott free. These men need to come with a warning sign attached!

As a pp I'm 18 months on and still change my schedule. Please stay safe op!!!

Well done for being proactive and finding out.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

He sounds awful and his family too.

Stay strong. You did something smart and caught him out, you have saved yourself heartache and more.

I recommend a podcast if you're into that sort of thing - https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000psj8 - their latest series is about domestic violence and coercive control, talking through the 8 stages of what people go though. You might find the early episodes ring lots of bells, you have done the right thing cutting this guy off at stage 2 or 3.

Perfect opportunity to also bump up Sarah’s Law for new/potential partners.

2 actions which should always be taken with new partners I think.

Goodness knows how much trauma and damage these 2 brilliant info pathways have prevented.

You are Absolutely brilliant. As an ex pc my advice would be to report him for harrasment from now on. He is targeting you and your daughter. Any chance to nick him… the police will take it.

Just wanted to say the same thing!

My DH was involved in the Hollie Gazzard case, and subsequently went on to be heavily involved in DA and CSA.

He has just said that for the police to come to your house on a Clare's Law, he will be a significantly violent man, and will almost certainly be involved with something in regards to children, whether that is child pornography, child abuse, or child sexual abuse and the fact that you have a daughter, is what has tipped the urgency of this.

Sorry you're going through this, you did the right thing for you and your daughters safety. If his family keep contacting you, tell them the police are involved and want to follow up with you etc, that should make them back off. Also, the fact that they did a wellbeing check is also an indication that his history is probably quite serious, even if the conviction isn't itself serious, the actions that built up to whatever he did previously may be worse.

If he keeps contacting you/harassing you, go to the police straight away. Also, regarding your family, I think you should let someone know what is happening for support

I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising but I just wanted to say a massive well done @MyPerfectHotel. None of this is easy.

You noticed something was not right, broke up with him, kept yourself and your child safe and trusted your instincts enough to contact the police for more information. You were right.

You have every right to feel pissed off but also feel proud of yourself.

Well done for trusting your instincts OP, so many women don’t. Hope you are okay and sure there is nothing to worry about with the meeting.

Yes, I was asked to rationalise what i would do if I was approached by police and someone had suggested I was being inappropriate. My answer was that I would be mortified, I would be shattered and embarrassed. I’d NEVER want to see them again or anyone that knew them. I’d definitely NOT reach out to them, I’d definitely not get my friends and family to reach out to them and I’d definitely not try to justify myself.
if accusations escalated, I might put measures in place to prove my innocence such as keep a diary, install a cctv in my home or outside. I’d be in communication with a professional.
being confrontational isn’t normal

Well done for contacting the police. As someone else stated, housing association can loan you door jammers and other safety equipment (mine did anyway) and you can also contact your local fire station if there's a risk of arson. My local station came out and fitted anti arson bag to my letter box and extra smoke alarms as well as a heat alarm I think it was. Get all the help, support and protection available to you. Good luck, hopefully the police will warn him to back off and stay away and that could be enough for him to leave you alone loving forward.

It’s taken me a long long time to realise i don’t need to engage with people to appear reasonable/polite or kind. If his family or friends are contacting you, just block them.
sometimes it would worry me that I was missing something pertinent that would forewarn me of a pending threat so blocking felt short sighted. But trust me when I say, being constantly on edge and triggered by threats or reading into texts is incredibly damaging. Then feeling the need to justify or defend yourself is destroying. Unfortunately, what someone intends to do, can’t ever be stopped anyway. Just keep yourself right, keep safe, keep in communication with people you trust and try to stay positive.

someone from woman’s aid said to me once, would anyone you know that loves you message a partner on your behalf once you were blocked to say the things that they are saying to you? Would you ask that of them?
that really helped me understand the mindset and the behaviour isn’t normal. We all say things in the heat of the moment but for someone who is removed from the situation and not emotionally invested to advocate for them in a confrontational way is not normal.

You can alert police in a matter of fact way that you have never done this before.

1. that you don’t know what the process usually would be.
2. that you are slightly alarmed by what they are asking you to do.
3. you would like to understand how (if at all) what they are asking is an indication of risk to you
4. what action you should take short medium and long term to safeguard yourself and anyone else

try not to be frightened of police. Presumably you have not done anything wrong. You must give consent to be a witness or raise criminal proceedings against anyone so you have not started a process you cannot get out of. Police take domestic abuse claim’s seriously nowadays and they must be seen to act timely.
you had suspicions and they seem to have been correct. Well done in trusting yourself and good luck with your future.

These fuckers need their foreheads tatooing. Dangerous Bastard.

Well done OP. And good luck.
So good to hear Claire's Law in action.

Well done OP. Clare’s law is a great thing. Good that you have such a strong support network!