To reply that my child isn’t potty trained?

Sorry - I might have missed you saying, but have you got an insert toilet seat? We had a potty upstairs and downstairs, and the insert kiddie seat on the toilet. One of my DC took longer for the poos, and frankly what worked with them wasn’t “Oh dear, better luck next time”, it was being firmer.

Obviously you have to be careful with this, but downplaying pooing in pants too much can tacitly give them approval in their minds - like it’s not too bad. It also helps to get them into a sitting routine whether they poo or not. We tried morning, after breakfast, after lunch and after tea. We read stories (not poo stories, fun ones). If they didn’t poo, we’d congratulate them for trying, remind them of the rules and take them off the potty/toilet after 5-10 mins. Eventually you’ll ‘catch’ a poo - usually when they’re relaxed and involved in a story. When you do, you’re made.

Sorry - just saw you're talking about pre school not school. It'll be fine!

I had this with DS - although I think he was already diagnosed with ASD by then so they cut us a bit more slack than some parents.

We tried several times over the years with no success. As school approached the HV told me to keep a diary for 6 months of all our attempts and results, in detail - so we could show that we had done everything possible. That summer was grim - he was dry but but just pooed everywhere. It was nice so we let him go half naked when at home, and he just happily went whenever and wherever. He still had pullups at night and when out.

I literally wrote down every accident, every successful wee etc for months and months. I shared it with school and asked if I should send him in with pullups. They said no. They had no issue because it was clear we had done all we could.

Once he started I had to send him in with a supply of clean pants, and every day I picked him up and was given a little bag of soiled pants (they wouldn't just bin them although I asked....). His poor TA - who was lovely - had to clean him up every day. But within a term or two he was clean - just realised that he was only one I suppose?

They all do things at different stages - but definitely keep a diary to prove it's not just you being lazy. Sadly I gather schools see much bad parenting these days that you need evidence it's not you! Good luck!

If it makes you feel any better, OP, I was in the same boat with one of mine. Absolutely fine with wees for months, and no joy at all with poos. Still wasn't there a week before he started preschool (they were aware). Took spare clothes and wipes etc. for him - they weren't needed after his first two weeks. Something just clicked and we barely had an incident after that. There is hope!

I did potty training during the summer holiday. My daughtersrarted in July and was fully trained by September. Instead of panicking maybe consider that you've made a head start.

Sounds very like dd1, dry for months but still soiling, it turned out she was impacted, what happens is that the hard impacted stools sit in the bowels and the soiling is due to the soft matter squeezing round the harder stools. They have no control over this soiling or feeling of the urge to poo.

Just to give another reassurance story, my son toilet trained for wees without much trouble at 2 years 10 months or so, but it took many more months, can’t remember how many, for poos. It was exactly like your son, pooing in his pants, though he could answer that poos go in the toilet, something prevented him doing it there. It was enormously stressful, tried all the books suggested/ rewards, sitting on the toilet, but even when we could tell he was going to do it, he wouldn’t go in the toilet.

I’m sure it was a psychological issue that he just grew out of, of being afraid to poo in the toilet. One day he managed to go on the toilet, announcing to my Mum who was looking after him that he could go on the toilet now, and that was it. I remember feeling like a great weight lifted!

He had been at preschool for a few hours per day, but never did a poo there (in pants or otherwise), so it turned out not to be an issue. Like you I didn’t want to go back to nappies as I was worried it would undone his wee toilet training. It was just a case of waiting it out for us.

Don't stress too much yet, there's still loads of time until September, and with pre school a lot of them go in pull ups, you could check what the policy is in his school, with the one my DD went to they could go in pull ups.
See what your HV says and keep going. If he's quite reliable with wees then he must get it so perhaps is a little anxious about pooing on the potty.

Many boys aren't pt at 3.4. Honestly don't worry

Pre school are used to accidents

I would put back in nappy's for a month or two then try again

If he goes to pre school in nappies at almost 4 so what

He’s 3 - he isn’t starting school, he’s starting pre school which is entirely different. I’m sure they’ll be fine if he isn’t potty trained yet. Or you could defer the start of preschool for a term, it’s not compulsory at all.

my daughter was like this, just before she turned 4 i bribed her it took days. i gave her two sweets for a poo and one for a wee and took away nappy’s it’s terrible parenting but literally nothing else worked

Op following with interest as we are in the same boat but with an older one than yours! We have hit four and have been trying non stop but there is sheer terror at pooing in the toilet from an unfortunate incident of bad constipation after illness that ended with a hospital visit. It’s so stressful because you are trying so hard. I agree with the poster that said they do it in their own time and of course they may need help but ultimately it’s their time. I am awaiting (yet another) gp appointment for more advice. We have used the Pooland app, done bubbles on the toilet, movicol, reward charts, hidden the pull ups which resulted in with holding and the public health nurse said just reboot and go back to pull ups again. I hope it’s sorted soon as we have the worry of school down the line too! I’ll also keep trying but it is so disheartening!

Some of these comments are bonkers.

OK my son was like this and I found it so stressful and under pressure to crack it so I know how you feel.

Mine actually was impacted and regular movicol helped. He gradually improved but there were a couple of incidents in pre school but the staff were fab at dealing with it.

Now he's 17 and we have no issues haha.

My child still has regular accidents, and attends a school nursery. Consider that your child may have some sensory needs or other additional needs. Toilet issues were the main thing that led us to realise that our son is likely neurodivergent. Ignore everyone saying you just haven’t tried hard enough etc. This is one of those areas where people who were lucky enough to have children who it just clicked for assume it was something they did (and not just luck) and they’re better parents than the parents of the children who struggle.

Tell the school. They can’t discriminate based on that.

Does he know the word for poo? Sounds really basic, but our Montessori said until you understand the word, you won’t understand the other expectations: go on potty or the loo, ask an adult, admit when pants have been soiled.

I had this problem with my son. I ended up going to a toilet training clinic. This is what I had to do.
Sit child on toilet or potty same time every day.
Make a sticker chart for the first week star is given for just sitting. Have a visible small prize at the end of the chart so the child can see what they are getting.

Second week same routine
Third week my son start to poo during the sitting. It's not going to happen every time but if there is accidents just clean then up and don't make a fuss.
Eventually u will get to majority being on the toilet. At this point you are looking for seven in a row to get a prize. Then u move on to 14 days in a row but on this chart if an accident occurs you go back to the start. After this one you will be sorted.
It is a long process it's not easy but you will get through this. Took me about three months exactly what the clinic told me at the start
Good luck

Sounds strange but can you talk to him and offer him a nappy specifically for poos. So say to him tell me when you need a poo and we will put a nappy on i.e 'I know you've been struggling to do a poo on the loo, tell me when you need one and we will put a nappy on because it's easier to clean you up then if you have pants on and poo in those?'
If he manages to tell you and use a nappy (only for poos) you know he knows what he's doing and can take the pressure off completely for a few weeks and then try again in toilet?

Oh do fuck off. I’ve raised 6 and they’re all different.

im raising 2 grandchildren now, and one’s still having poo accidents. She’ll be 4 end of Sept. Shit happens. Literally.

This is really common. It's so common that there are multiple books about it aimed at children. Does he not have the sensation that he needs to go or does he just not want to? Ideally he should be in a squat position so on a potty or if using the toilet with a footstool keeping his knees above his hips. Added to this if you can get him some bubbles to blow whilst on the toilet it will help relax his tummy muscles enough to hopefully pass stool if he needs. It's difficult if he doesn't have the sensation but if you don't suspect a medical reason hopefully these tips can help. If you've already tried all of these & aren't looking for tips apologies. It's really common and not a reflection on your parenting at all as has been suggested here!? If you had neglected to train he wouldn't be confident in passing urine independently so pay no attention to the perfect parents on here!

DS likes Pirate Pete. When we first started training he wasn’t interested at all but now we’ve been going 6 months he’s loving it and says “I’ve done a poo in the potty like Pirate Pete”. Poo withholding wasn’t an issue for more than a few weeks and DS goes through phases of preferring toilet or potty but his dry days have increased since he started getting into the story. You never know what’ll resonate.

When you are in the middle of it then it is tough. Mine was really easy to toilet train, not because I was a wonderful parent but because that just was the way they were and I considered it pay back time as they were a horrendous sleeper! I had friends who had a tough time potty training and I really empathised with them. All children are different. I read something ages ago that really stuck in my head and it was "nobody ever walked down the aisle wearing a nappy or sucking a dummy", so basically it will pass, no matter how challenging it is at the moment

My daughter is 4 and only recently stopped pooping her pants on a regular basis. It was honestly so so stressful, if you’ve never been there you have no idea. We did ‘oh crap’ and bought the poo solutions course, which is essentially using suppositories which stimulates the butt opening and then they poo. Not enjoyable for any of us, although it did mean we could get a poo at a ‘desired’ time but not an experience I liked. Googling one day I realised she was constipated. Contacted ERIC who have loads of helpful advice and we saw the GP who prescribed laxido. She has one sachet in a yoghurt every other day.

The laxido has worked wonders but the biggest thing is focusing on encouraging sitting on the toilet after a meal. 5-10 mins after they usually will get the urge, screen time is how we get her to sit there, plus one of us going in after 5 mins or so and reading a story/having a chat and she’s been much more consistent about going! It’s been a huge improvement. I wish we had gone sooner.

Today she was at a cafe with her dad and said ‘I need a poo’ and did one. No drama. This is maybe the 3rd time since potty training 1.5 years ago she’s ever said that!

I feel for you - it took ages with my oldest child to get the poos sorted. Wees we’re fine, got those dealt with relatively quickly, but the other…I thought he was never going to be potty trained! He was about three, and I had a newborn, so I was at the end of my tether, but the main hurdle seemed to be that he just didn’t associate the feeling of needing to go with what it actually meant. Eventually, after a lot of accidents, and lots of explanations, he just seemed to get it - out shopping one day he yelled “mummy, I feel the feeling!”, grabbed the potty and..success. I didn’t care where we were by that point, the main thing was that he recognised what “that feeling” meant and after that he was fine.

Don’t give up, but try not to stress out too much about it. Sometimes it just takes however long it takes. Luckily you’ve got the summer months coming up and it’s easier when they’re not bundled into lots of clothes. Do you know (or can you ask) if he gets a recognisable feeling that signals he needs to go…?