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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not be taking step daughter on honeymoon with us?

203 replies

poppy33xx · 17/04/2024 15:48

My DP & I have been together 6 years and are tying the knot this summer. We are having my DSD (11) for an extra 2 week period around the wedding which is lovely as we want her to be involved and she's very excited, we are going dress shopping soon actually, hair & make up trials together. Everything has been lovely, easy planning & stress free. We are having a very low key wedding with around 15 immediate family & friends.

We booked a honeymoon just the two of us for a the day after we drop DSD home to her mums. We go away for 10 days and it won't interfere with contact time with DSD, other than DP's mum picking her up from school the day we land just in case our flight is delayed. We are going to the US. We did choose to splurge on this honeymoon, as we preferred to do this rather than spend big bucks on the wedding. It has meant we haven't been able to afford our usual 7 day all inclusive yearly holiday with DSD, but we are still taking her away this year but to somewhere in the UK (still a week & will still be lots of fun).

Anyways, recently when I've been talking to various people the first question I get asked is 'are the 3 of you going on honeymoon then' or 'aww poor DSD' or 'that's a shame for her' or similar things along the same line. This has taken me a aback as I didn't think it was commonplace for couples to bring their kids on honeymoon? but now I'm questioning everything! As much as I love DSD and get on great with her, I'd quite like some down time and 1 on 1 time with my partner after we get married. He was in agreement and when I bought it up with him he even said to me 'why would we bring DSD'....

I'd like to just add so that I don't sound like a horrid SM, that we include DSD with our lives as much as we can, she has an amazing room at ours, she knows all my family, she's a part of my family as much as my DP's now to be honest. We have always taken her on holiday every year (all abroad) and we have her regularly. In 6 years there really hasn't been any issues at all whatsoever...so I'm not sure why this has got me questioning so much and why part of me feels bad.

What are other's peoples thoughts on this please?

YABU - You should take DSD on honeymoon yes.
YANBU - Fine to go without

OP posts:
thestepmumspacepodcast · 17/04/2024 18:52

I guarantee if it was your biological daughter everyone would be saying how great it was for you to have some 'child free' time and that you should totally enjoy your honeymoon.

Your SD is with her Mum.... she will be fine and it's good for her to be part of a family with strong couples.

I also don't think it's a problem that you saved for your honeymoon and that means a UK 'family' holiday this year. All that would be completely normal in 'first families'. People unfortunately judge 'second families' by a different measure.

Congratulations on your wedding and enjoy having SD play a part in it - it's a beautiful thing for you all.

And then enjoy your romantic honeymoon xxx

IvorTheEngineDriver · 17/04/2024 18:51

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

You cannot be serious.

Conniebygaslight · 17/04/2024 18:43

I’ve never been one to go away without my DC or DSS when they were little (mainly due to no family support) but YANBU to go on honeymoon without DSD who will be with her mum!
Bring her a lovely present back. You sound like an absolutely lovely step-mum and you’ll reap the rewards in the future.
Have a great time x

BusyMummy001 · 17/04/2024 18:42

It’s a honeymoon, not a family holiday. Ignore everyone else.

It’s really weird that anyone would think you’d take a child with you!

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/04/2024 18:34

I just think you know some stupid people.

Enjoy your honeymoon.

paristotokyo · 17/04/2024 18:30

It's weirder to take her on your honeymoon, to be honest. Strange comments!

dandeliondandy · 17/04/2024 18:29

YANBU. If you can't have alone time on your honeymoon as a couple then when can you?

Dontcallmescarface · 17/04/2024 18:29

My DSD was living with her dad and me full-time when we got married, it never crossed our minds to take her on our honeymoon.

Henbags · 17/04/2024 18:26

I had the same questions of “Are you taking DS?” but I wasn’t met with any judgement when my response was, “Hell no!” Everyone was in complete agreement! So we had 7 days without a 20 month old at the time! (It was heavenly)

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 17/04/2024 18:25

I have been married 4 times.. Never took a dc with me. Mine /his /otherwise.... Surely the point of a honeymoon it cementing your new point in the relationship.. Shagging with a dc isn't going to happen is it?

StampOnTheGround · 17/04/2024 18:22

I don't get why people would take their kids on a honeymoon, it's the one time it's just about the 2 of you!

Enjoy every second and ignore the comments!

Noyesnoyes · 17/04/2024 18:20

@SpaghettiWithaYeti oh course things and priorities change when a big expensive event is taking place!

Crikey it's hardly a shame holidaying in the UK, it's still a holiday!

Herefishiefishie · 17/04/2024 18:13

Not unreasonable at all.

DSD isn’t coming on our honeymoon this year although our child is and the only reason for that is because we have no childcare! So didn’t get any choice with him.

We are also going to the US, have a fab time!

ginasevern · 17/04/2024 17:56

Why on earth would it be the first thing your nail lady asks? Why are other people so invested in this. Weird. Anyway, no it isn't customary to take kids on honeymoon and most normal people wouldn't even question, or be that interested, in your decision.

cerisepanther73 · 17/04/2024 17:49

@poppy33xx

People talk daft 🙄 silly at times,!

A honeymoon is just meant for couples only

Not for anyone else

Just like that famous saying "two is company three" is a crowd 🤔

Having your step daughter will turn it into just into a family hol that's it really,

If you want to have a family hol or a short break in future or near future?

Do it another day and time too

Don't feel emotionally guilt tripped into pleasing other people
Other than than yourselves as a couple
Rember it's your speacial time,
No one else is.

I wouldn't take my own children to my Honeymoon if i was getting married either .

AffableApple · 17/04/2024 17:39

It doesn't matter even if it meant she wasn't getting to go on holiday anywhere at all - it's your honeymoon! Time to practise the Mumsnet staple: "What an odd thing to say out loud." Also, she's 11: I think she'd be quite grossed out to be on honeymoon with you. She'll know what it's traditionally about. People are weird...

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 17/04/2024 17:32

Menomeno · 17/04/2024 16:40

Why should it be standard that kids have a holiday abroad every year? When ours were children some years we’d go abroad, other years we’d holiday in the UK. They don’t look back and feel they were hard done to. They haven’t needed therapy because they didn’t have a big holiday some years. In fact, when I’ve asked them what their favourite holiday was as a child, they all say the year we went to Hampshire! What harm do you think will come to her by having a holiday in the UK?

Show quote history

I'm not remotely saying it should be standard to have foreign holidays. My children love UK holidays.

It's the fact her holiday was changed to prioritise spending on their honeymoon. As a step parent (and a mother of children who have a step parent) I think these kind of things can cause more upset to the child than people realise. It's the message it sends rather than the location per se.

Noadvertising · 17/04/2024 17:08

I’m a step mother. My 30 year old step son was only two years old when we got married. He didn’t come to the wedding and didn’t come to the honeymoon. The whole thing was about the two of us, not the three of us. I don’t blame you for not taking her. If we’d had children of our own when we’d got married we wouldn’t have taken them on the honeymoon either.

ap1999 · 17/04/2024 17:05

DH had 4 and I had 3 .. no fucking way were ANY of them coming on our HONEYMOON !!

Just that - get a grip - they all had other parents !

StormingNorman · 17/04/2024 16:55

Honeymoons are a child free zone. I’ve never known anyone to take their children with them.

You don’t sound like a horrible step mum at all so don’t feel bad.

Noyesnoyes · 17/04/2024 16:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2024 16:26

If you're going for 10 days and it won't interfere with contact, that sounds like your DH doesn't have a lot of contact. Maybe people assume those nice AI holidays are to 'make up' for the lack of day to day. And not seeing dad for 10 days is sad.

Regardless, no kids on a honeymoon is totally normal.

Did you miss the bit about having two extra weeks with her?

Noyesnoyes · 17/04/2024 16:51

Doseofreality · 17/04/2024 15:56

I put you are being unreasonable but really it’s her Dad who is, splashing all that cash on a trip to America and she gets a trip in the UK.
She will resent that, even if she doesn’t outwardly show it.

Rubbish .... it's a honeymoon!

lap90 · 17/04/2024 16:50

Weird remarks - are you saying it's a honeymoon or just that you're going on holiday?

Weird regardless.

Menomeno · 17/04/2024 16:40

SpaghettiWithaYeti · 17/04/2024 16:18

Fine to go without her but it's a bit rotten that she's getting her normal holiday downgraded. I think that sent the wrong message and I would have managed my budget while still prioritising that trip too

Why should it be standard that kids have a holiday abroad every year? When ours were children some years we’d go abroad, other years we’d holiday in the UK. They don’t look back and feel they were hard done to. They haven’t needed therapy because they didn’t have a big holiday some years. In fact, when I’ve asked them what their favourite holiday was as a child, they all say the year we went to Hampshire! What harm do you think will come to her by having a holiday in the UK?

Lesterall · 17/04/2024 16:37

You just look at them with an amazed face and say 'Have you missed the fact that it's our bloody honeymoon?'