To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

I agree with you in that ALL the narrative around me has been about the negatives. Especially people over 50 have nothing good to say about small kids. Maybe that generation had kids young, had no idea what to expect and BOOM their whole life was turned upside down. My mum was absolutely traumatised by having me at 21! My boss told me "congratulations, you know your life is over now right?"

And no, motherhood is not valued anymore. It's all about careers, travel, "health". I'm also a high achiever, in a pretty well paid senior job, and about half the women in my firm congratulated me about my pregnancy then went on to say "I'm never having kids". OK, who the fuck even asked you?

I think there is a lot of negativity about being a parent from colleagues at work but I think it's just because people like to vent.

Also, the good bits are so lovely but you do sound insane talking to people about that side. The negatives can be quite funny as part of work 'banter' but it would be a bit weird to talk about how many hours you stare at photos of your little one while they were asleep 😅

Other parents will get it but my young childfree colleagues would think I've gone completely soft if they knew!

I think a lot is driven by social media of course. There seems to be two polarised types of "infuencer". The Perfect Mummy and the Slummy Mummy are both equally unrealistic and, in their own way, damaging.
Of course genuine, ordinary life isn't particularly entertaining so people tend to present extremes, but it does seem to have become "cool" to moan about your children and about parenting.
Of course parenting can be hard at times. I've got 3, all of whom seemed to view sleep as some kind of optional extra til they were school age and two with significant medical conditions. I've juggled motherhood with a demanding job, with a lot of antisocial hours and no family except DH for support. I know it can be exhausting and I can imagine that it would have been a lot harder without a decent income, but overall I've found parenting a very positive experience and I'm proud of the awesome young adults they've become.
It's not wrong for people to express their feelings but I think it's becoming more taboo to say positive things about parenthood than negative ones. In reality for most of us there are ups and downs but I think there's a greater tendency to share the downs than the ups on forums which gives an unbalanced picture. And nobody talks about the plateaus where things are just ticking a long and not particularly good or bad at all, so you'd be forgiven for thinking most people's lives were a never ending roller coaster. I don't think that's true, but ordinary days don't make particularly engaging social media posts do they?

I understand where you’re coming from but I’d say I’ve heard both sides. The first year of my child’s life was the happiest I’d ever felt in some ways and I absolutely loved being on Mat leave (despite being in an awful relationship that ended very soon after baby turned 1).

Dont get me wrong there were some really hard parts but the natural maternal instinct just seemed to flip a switch and I was loved up with my baby 🥰.

I could have written this.
I have never felt that "urge" to become a mother or felt particularly maternal, I live in a different country from all my niblings so interactions woth children have been limited and sometimes felt awkward.
All I saw online and heard from people was how hard it was nothing about the joys. When pregnant it was endless just you wait until x negative thing. I was nervous.
I had my son 6 months ago and my life and heart has never been fuller.
Sure some things are hard and I'm sure some ages will be harder and I've also been blessed with a relatively easy, though very velcro, baby which I know has made it easier.

I had the same experience as you OP. High achiever/ high earner and left it as ‘late as possible’ as I thought life would be over. I wonder if it was because my friends/ family perceived that I’d be giving up so much free time/ disposable income/ nights out/ expensive holidays and ‘high flying career’.

Yup, all those things changed but it’s brilliant and I love being a mum, despite the challenges (currently dealing with toddler - from - hell stage!).
All I heard was how awful motherhood was and all the sacrifices I’d make and how I would never be able to do xyz again.

My career hasn’t suffered and I wouldn’t care too much if it had as I’m less bothered about it now, work is a way to support my family.

Im 40 now and I have a few friends who are now thinking about children or struggling to conceive because they were following the narrative of being career focused or ‘free and single’. It’s creating a lot of heartache.

Agree it's often extreme views, whereas a lot of people are actually in the middle but maybe their blog isn't as interesting. In my case I enjoyed parenting but had quite a lot of challenges. I've never identified with the mums who are very negative though. I felt like a marathon runner- it's tough but somehow I still like it and want to keep going.

@fitzwilliamdarcy I think that's said due to the impact on the children rather than the fact the mother's life is inherently worth more. We've all seen enough Disney films to know growing up without a mother is a huge loss to a child. I'm sure my death would be seen as sadder now than it would have been 10+ years ago before I had children, or 10+ years from now when my children are independent adults.

I feel the same OP. The negative portrayals really got to me, but I've absolutely loved maternity leave. Slightly dreading balancing work with motherhood but still wouldn't change it for the world.

I agree @Harara. I was on an oncology ward in my early 30s and overheard one of the nurses saying to the others “aw it’s always sadder when they have kids isn’t it?” Cue emphatic agreement.

I do think there’s still a prominent undercurrent that women who’ve had kids are more valuable than those who haven’t.

Another woman to add to your list of positive childfree celebs is Helen Mirren.

i agree i'm surprised everyday how amazing it is. ive 2 kids 8 and 4.

Why so rude? Maybe you should look at yourself.

Not sure where your information is coming from but it sounds like a bunch of ignorant sources. That's unfortunate. If it's friends I would get a new friend circle who sees things in a more positive light

I feel that the portrayal in the mainstream has swung to the very negative side, yes. I recognise that this is in response to motherhood traditionally and historically being portrayed as the panacea for all women, and the desire to let women (and all parents) speak freely about the reality and how difficult it can be.

However, I do feel it's SO negative now. My wish is that there wasn't such a need to determine whether parenthood is "good" or "bad", and it could be talked about with more nuance and recognition that it's simply part of life, like any other. Parenting encompasses so much that there's no way it can be categorised correctly in such simple terms.

I'm pleased for you OP - although the journey is just beginning. It sounds like you have been dealt a good hand with an easy baby.

I have found the opposite, everyone told me being a mother was lovely and I heard nothing negative. It hit me like a ton of bricks. 6 years later I'm still not the same 😅 I struggled with it more than I ever imagined.
But my views are skewed as I had post partum psychosis and a difficult baby who turned into a 'spirited' child! Also had little support from partner, my side of grandparents not interested etc. This all adds up to making that first year great or hard.
I echo pp, it'such harder going to work when you have a baby than being on mat leave with one.
However it sounds like you are taking it all in your stride and hopefully things will continue to work out for you.

I just meant it's something to consider, in a long list of things to consider.
For me personally, I wanted to create a family that I would be able to enjoy for a long time, not just when they were kids. I want graduations, weddings, births, big family gatherings with all the kids, their partners and grandkids like my MIL had now etc etc.
I'm well aware absolutely none of this is a gaurentee

I just don’t really agree that the predominant portrayals of motherhood in our society are negative. Every female celebrity interviewed about motherhood will say it’s the best/most meaningful thing she’s ever done. Childless women in the public eye like Jennifer Aniston get pitied. There are actually very very few women in the public eye who are willing to say in so many words they didn’t want children, or they wanted other things more. I can think of Christina Hendricks and that’s about it. All the coverage of Kate Middleton is very focused on her as a mother, with the implication that it makes her likeable and relatable and valuable in a way that she wouldn’t be if she didn’t have children.

I also think it's interesting that you felt you needed to point out that you're a high achiever, OP- I think there's a sense sometimes (on here as well as in the media) that women who feel fulfilled by motherhood must be a bit thick or lacking in other options. This hasn't been my experience at all, and I always feel that it's part of a fairly misogynistic tendency in society to denigrate work traditionally done by women- if you're fulfilled by motherhood you're an idiot, whereas if you're fulfilled by drafting loan agreements, say, you're obviously highly intelligent.

This is so true - I've even seen it outright said on here.

I had two Velcro babies - and all three are likely ND - so not easy - struggled in school and needed a lot of support but done well in the end.

I've also been told wait till x age - well eldest is 18 and had for most part been a joy. Now get told oh it's rose tinted glasses you've forgotten what it's like.

I think quote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" it was bloody hard work lonely and frightening at times but also at same time the best thing I ever did brought so much fun and shear joy into my life and thing I'm probably always going to be most proud of.

It's often little moments - the bonding times - that stick in minds and pure moments of bliss but many posters sneer at as small and insignificant.

It is a gamble though and not for everyone and some women really do hate it all.

I do think there's a lot of shouting down about women who do say they enjoyed it in current media/national narrative - that combined with it getting substantially financially harder it's a wonder anyone has them.

I have to say I found it intensely boring. In the end I hired a nanny and went back to work after 12 weeks.

I think that having a family around you when you are older is defintely one of the things that you need to consider when making the decision about whether or not to have kids.

I find this tricky because having kids isn’t a guarantee of this. It makes it more likely in the sense that it’s always the adult’s adult children that are expected to help out, but in plenty of cases these days the adult kids live miles and miles away and so the parent is in a similar position to the childless adult.

I also think that it’s a really selfish reason to bring kids into the world. Yes, it’s one of a number of factors but if you’re undecided and using that as the tipping factor then… it feels a bit transactional to me.

I have no relationship with my birth family and I’m single AND infertile so I guess I’m resigned to be sad and lonely. But I’m making active plans for my old age and with any luck voluntary euthanasia will be around by the time I get old.

@Caravaggiouch just look at the holiday thread going on atm, you'd think taking a 1 week holiday without your kids put you on a par with Karen Matthews given some of the replies. I personally vouched to enjoy motherhood, which means allowing myself to be selfish sometimes. Hopefully my kids will see that and do the same too, I don't want them to think they cease to matter once they are parents.

A lot of people seem to encourage mothers to martyr themselves. You don’t have to breastfeed, cosleep, attachment parent, become a stay at home mother, “give” your child siblings, give up your career, your relationship and every vestige of your former self. You can be an incredible mother without doing any of those things and raise a happy and healthy child in the meantime.

I think that having a family around you when you are older is defintely one of the things that you need to consider when making the decision about whether or not to have kids.

But I agree wholeheartedly with you. I am delighted for younger women that the "marry prince charming and have his babies" narraitve is not being pushed our way as the only option any more. It's not something I want pushed my daughter's way.

I had a similar childhood expereince to you.

Telling younger women that they’re not obliged to have kids if they don’t want to isn’t “belittling” family life.

I’m the product of a woman who wasn’t told that it was OK to not have kids. Oddly enough, she didn’t transform into an earth mother who felt indescribable joy and love - she abused and neglected her children.

I’m really happy that we’re not pushing the narrative that she heard when she was young. Women should be able to choose without mums feeling like their choice is a reflection on motherhood.