To say portrayals of motherhood have become too negative?

So true!!

My youngest is a teen, oldest an adult. I’ve found it easy and enjoyable and maybe OP will too.

I hate these sort of ‘just you wait’ comments. I did have that from a relative of mine, like he couldn’t wait for it to all go wrong. It hasn’t. I feel for people who find it hard for any reason, but not everyone does.

Yes, particularly on MN! Having a baby is a nightmare of exhaustion, toddlers are a nightmare of tantrums, teens (especially girls) are a nightmare, full stop.

I never found any of it a nightmare - of course babies and toddlers can be very tiring, not to mention worrying when they’re ill, but they do usually bring a lot of joy, too.

And our teen dds were never difficult or obnoxious.

I do realise that mothers who dont* have much in the way of problems are a lot less likely to post, but I do think MN can give a very skewed view.

You, and the op, put it off because you are also perfectionists! You felt like you needed to be in control and parenthood would rob you of that. You can’t blame other people for this. You both latched on to the messaging that made sense for you. There are other motherhood narratives out there but you weren’t predisposed to pay attention to them.

It's like a runner saying ' I don't know why people say marathons are difficult,I've ran the first 400m and Its been easy so far'

Maternity leave is a lovely bubble. Juggling a career with a baby (and actually more so with an older child) can be hard, but it totally depends on your outlook. I have 3 children and a high pressure career job. It is relentless but wonderful all at the same time. I have absolutely no time for myself but am happy with that. Everyone's experience is different.

That’s great OP, sounds like you got dealt with a good hand.

Some mothers have birth trauma, sone have significant financial stress, unsupportive partners, babies with disabilities/ higher needs, some mothers have pnd, some have to juggle work and parenting from the get- go.

it is not an even playing field

Tbh I think representations of motherhood have got more balanced - there's always been the 'hahaha, you'll never sleep again' voices but I think people are talking in about both the positives and negatives more.

You enjoyed every minute of being pregnant, every second of baby years and your children brought you joy every minute of everyday?

This is completely implausible.

Are you under the impression that we either need or want to have a Unified Narrative of Motherhood in which we all participate?

Some people find it completely lovely. Some people find it completely awful. Some people find it hard but worthwhile. Some people find it easy but boring. All those narratives are out there and people hear and respond to a mixture of them, depending on their own perspective and agenda. One good thing is that saying that you don't enjoy motherhood, or regret your children, or don't want children at all, isn't as tabooed as it used to be. But why should anyone change the way they share their own experience, because of yours? For every you who went "actually, this is fine and lovely!", there's another you who went "this is worse than I thought, I wish I hadn't done it".

I am similar to you OP - high achieving professional. I put off having kids due to fears about impact on career and lifestyle. I now wish I'd done it sooner (maybe in my late 20s). I think that professional contexts attract a lot of 'type a' perfectionist personalities who find the chaos of parenthood, the undeniable trade-off that has to be made between work/homelife, and fact you have to organise your out of office life around kids for a number of years more challenging. If you're more relaxed, you're more likely to be able to roll with this, but perhaps also less likely to be a high achiever in the first place.

I love being a Mum. I have a three year old and am pregnant with my second baby. I love days spent at the park, genuinely. I love making cakes and doing chores with my little boy. I love reading with him. I love talking and playing with him.

What I don’t love:

• desperately trying to breastfeed my baby and getting absolutely no support despite asking all of the right people
• the guilt of sending my child to nursery when I had to return to work after maternity leave
• the seemingly endless judgement/pressure from other Mums/parents/society for returning to work
• the constant worry that I’m not doing enough
• the struggle to keep on top of housework whilst working full time
• the worries about affording childcare
• not having family close by/no help with childcare
• trying to carve out time for myself for fitness and wellbeing

I adore parenting. My little boy is without doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m very much looking forward to doing it all again a second time around. I don’t think our culture supports mothers very well however. Most people no longer have the “village” people once did, with lots of stay at home Mums/nans/aunties to rally round. Most of us have no choice but to return to work meaning our children go into childcare very young. It’s all of these additional pressures that make having children difficult for me, not the actual having children.

I have to add, given the choice, I’d not be a SAHM for their entire childhood. I’d have liked to spend the early years at home though and I don’t think that’s an option for a lot of us.

Give me teens over a newborn any day! My parenting skills definitely suited raising teens over tiny helpless babies! Mine are at university now but I still think the teens were the best for me. Not plain sailing but better than the early years.

In the sense that having babies is so strongly encouraged and approved of that most people do it , often by default , and not having babies is stigmatised and often ostracising.
I didn’t mean in comparison to other countries or eras, in that sense we are generally less pronatalist I would say.

Yes. Parenting my kids as teens was/is the easiest part of parenting for me. They’re good company, have lovely friends, they chat to us about everything and work hard at school/uni. They were/are nothing like the troublesome and moody ‘kevin’ types that is the cliché.

but now it’s almost as if you sing the praises of motherhood you’ll be branded smug!

That’s exactly what it’s like. You don’t even have to be raving about it. When my first was a couple of months old a friend asked how I was surviving and was it awful. She had a preschooler. I said it was going pretty well thanks and she pulled a face and said ugh. I’d had a traumatic EMCS and years of miscarriages so was anything but smug but apparently it was annoying or offensive I didn’t hate having a baby at the end of all the crapness.

I do find it interesting a lot of the ‘positive’ posts generally online tend to be ‘I love parenting, I love my kids so much’ as if those who have a more negative experience perhaps don’t love their kids as much.

Quite. It’s possible to find motherhood challenging whilst also loving your kids! Those things are not mutually exclusive. I wonder what those people are trying to prove when they have to keep telling the world how much they love their kids.

In what way do we live in a profoundly pro-natalist society? Compared to which other era or country?

Luckily l was a SAHM and enjoyed every second of baby years.. l was so distraught when they went to school.
I relished the school holidays..
Both daughters brought me joy every minute of every day.

I find it so strange when people say this. Not one second of exhaustion with a newborn? No illnesses? Not a single cross word? No teenage irritating habits? Joy every minute of every day? I don’t know anyone like this, whether they have kids or not!

This

Oh give over we live in a profoundly pro-natalist society (except on mumsnet tbf where posters are constantly berated for having children in anything but the most ideal of circumstances 😆)

A sleepless night is no way near as upsetting on mat leave as it is with a 3 year old when you have to leave the house at 7:30 office ready and do a commute, work a full day and come home and do everything you normally did in one whole day between 8pm and 10pm. Enjoy your mat leave but maybe reserve some humility for the 17+ more years of parenting you have to come.

I felt a distinct change in my enjoyment of motherhood when I had to try and balance it with working.

Maternity leave is lovely. You can focus solely on one thing. I found it less enjoyable having to focus on a job and a toddler and spreading myself poorly across both.

It's all circumstantial and everyone has different circumstances. Some more favourable which make it more enjoyable.

Meh, I have teens and this is a stage that is awash with depictions of harassed mothers losing their minds with stress and, while I'm sure that they are out there, the idea that this is inevitable doesn't stand up with my own children or that of their friends. They are great fun, kind, chilled out kids.

There was a really good thread about this somewhere on here.

So this misery-washing of motherhood isn't restricted to babies.

@Mushroo I felt similarly to you and I think your last paragraph out having low expectations going in, definitely helped!

I have a few friends who went into pregnancy / having a baby with a sunshine and rainbows attitude and they all struggled hugely. Their expectations were too high I think.

Also, I think it depends on the baby (some are very high needs and I imagine that's a whole different experience) and also some mums just take to it better than others. I didn't really think I was overly maternal, but actually I am hugely maternal - but exclusively for my own children (which is why I had no idea this side of myself existed before having children). The same could work in reverse I imagine. Thinking you're maternal but then feeling less so when you actually have kids. You just don't know until you're actually a mum.

As for are depictions of motherhood too negative? No, I don't think so. I just see mums sharing their experiences and some have better ones than others. I see plenty of 'insta perfect mums' too, so feel like there is another side that's shared. I'm glad I listened to the negative stuff though, it prepared me for a lot and also left me pleasantly surprised when I didn't encounter all of the negatives I'd heard about, or they weren't as bad as I thought.