Help me not overshare details with nosy school mother

I expect her DC goes home and says a certain child is favoured, so she’s fishing to see if your DC has complained about anyone…
Well done, people like her would put me off offering to help, or if placed with her I’d asked to swap and make some excuse for that particular time slot

Time to say 'Can I just stop you there?' and then don't say anything. People assume you have something to say, rather than you wanting them to stop talking.

@Primroseoil

Did she have a big wooden spoon with her. For Stirring?

You just evaded a classic competitive mum move on her part, well done.

Convo she was hoping for :
Her Primrose Oil did you notice any favouritism in DC's activity class?
You. What do you mean?
Her Well xyz... Don't you agree?

If you hadn't shut it down so firmly she would have been off doing the rounds telling people that Primrose Oil thinks DC activity has favouritism. Garanteed she'd be saying... "Primrose Oil was telling me all about the favouritism she sees in Activity class" probably telling other parents in the class that you'd thought that and hinting that it was their child. Result she looks great for confiding in them and they look askance at you.

I've met several mums in the past who have done exactly this and its always a bit of shock but it happens. So well done on evading it.

She didn't want to talk about her weekend plans because she thought that you might be asking to see if they measured up and she doesn't want to give anything away precious knowledge that might be to your advantage to know ( as if!)

You won't lose anything by steering clear of this Mean Girl.

She's making conversation but it does sound like she's also quite a competitive mum so I'd avoid giving any info about academic or sporting achievements. When people try to get info out of me (one wanted to know which book band my daughter was on) I play it cool....."yeah, I'm not sure which book band as we don't really pay attention to that, but she's doing well, likes reading, enjoying school etc" she had actually finished all the book bands before most other kids but no need to drop that in 🤣🤣. Wouldn't mind talking about activities they are involved in, that's just normal chat on a safe topic.....

‘You ask very interesting and highly intrusive questions, why do you think that is?’ If she gets huffy about it just being a question, then point out questions she dodged.

overall just remember you’re adults now, and not in high school.

or, ‘I don’t need to talk about my child, let’s talk about you, what makes you tic, what are your deep dreams’

anyway. I’d avoid a person asking these questions. So if you’re avoiding her, and she’s avoiding you… less necessary talking!

combat discomfort with discomfort.

also there are polite personality types (you), and the rude ones that actually have to hear you say no.

and if you figure out how to get them to stop being weird let me know, I have a mother in law that is all kinds of inappropriate- like her family just lies to her, but I’m sadly too honest and it’s sooo weird.

I'd feed her a pile of lies 😂 lies that hit right to the point of her trying to figure out if it's a lie but it could be truth. Play her game

you could just tell her to speak to the teacher if she has concerns with her daughters learning 😂
something like “oh, I didn’t realise that your daughter was struggling in these subjects. Speak to the teacher and ask how you can help her more at home and what she needs to work on. But probably best not to get so worked up about it at the moment as you’ll probably find they’ll be amazing in one subject and then day dreaming in another”

Agreed.

I was always taught to ask questions of another person so they felt included/interested when holding a conversation. Maybe she doesn’t know much else of you to be able to keep the conversation flowing.

surely it’s just good manners?

Why are you asking?
Why do you want to know that?
Haha I thought that was a serious question for a minute, as if anyone would ask that.

Practise your tinkly laugh.

I agree with all the polite but poi red rebuttals.
Do you always ask so many questions?
It's so boring to Constantly talk about the kids. Let's talk about something else.
I can't imagine what you need to know all of this for? Are you planning to kidnap her?
Sorry I'm on a self imposed ban on talking about the kids. I am trying to get back to finding my own interests outside of motherhood.
Etc etc etc

But if that fails, dig deep and blurt out, my child isnt really here for you to use as a measuring stick. I'm not sure what you are worried about but I'd rather you stopped asking all these intrusive questions.
And walk away. We need to be able to advocate for our children in their absence and if you can't do it for yourself do it for her. She's truly not there to make another adult feel better in any capacity so stand up for her!

I’m pretty sure the OP can tell between harmless chitchat and a nosy parker!

There is a mum like this in my son’s class, so I know exactly what you mean OP. Unfortunately she has alienated the majority of the other parents with her intense questioning and competitive comments and her son doesn’t get included in many invitations now as people don’t want to put up with her at social gatherings.

She's just making conversation, isn't she? Kids are the safe topic with school parents arent they?
I see I'm in the minority on this thread but I dont see the harm at all.

Completely agree, it's just chat

Bloody autocorrect, had to edit it ot make sense

I don’t understand why you don’t want to share how your daughter is getting on or what she is doing? She may just want to make small talk? I find that I talk a lot about the kids when I’m around the parents at a birthday party etc. Not to be nosy but just to get to know them, and the kids are a common ground.

Does anyone really have the energy to do this much play acting? It's a bit ott

“Yes she is doing really well at maths, studying at degree level. A marvel for 9, right? Why do you ask? Is your little pumpkin struggling then?”

no, seriously…parents that dig like this is less about your child and entirely about their own. She’s worried about her kid for some reason. I try to be empathetic in this situation.

when my son was little he was suffering a significant speech delay and I would ask other parents (I was open about my worries though as I literally did want to understand normal milestones, partially to try to reduce my anxiety, but also so I could have a more informed convo with the specialists and not be totally blind to ‘normal’ children’s progress). This was entirely for my own benefit and about my own child, never theirs. However as I said, I was very open about this and all mums were really open in response. Actually led to some really nice conversations as they spoke of their anxieties etc. I was never embarrassed of his progress as I felt he could only get help and understanding if I was open.

Perhaps her child is struggling at class, has social friendships issues. Maybe she’s alleviating her own concern and understanding if others are in a similar situation, so she isn’t alone. Perhaps she is a little embarrassed as she’s an overachiever so always expected perfection and would feel vulnerable saying “yes little pumpkin actually is horrific at maths”. Maybe as you’re an oversharer she feels soeaking to you is easier for her as she’s having to give less of her vulnerable side up.

Often Alpha’s are that way and find being vulnerable to another a very impossible task so it manifests in other ways. Those who are super confident externally often aren’t internally, hence the need to let everyone know everything is so great in their world.

maybe phrase the response to her question “yes doing well, bla bla bla. Why do you ask, is X struggling?”. This will either have her open up, or she will realise she’s being a nosey cow if all of the above isn’t true and she’s just being a nosey bag. She won’t like to be asked if her child is struggling if she isn’t so will hopefully rephrase her questioning going forward.

just another perspective :-)

Just say ‘oh sorry I’m on my period and it makes me absent minded’….
then every question she asks you just say you can’t remember what level she is and can’t remember her friends names!
She’ll soon give up asking.

Answer every question with a yes or no instead 😂

Just make it up. Doesn't matter if the story doesn't tally because it's none of her business.

I feel for you because on one hand, you want to make friends at school, and with parents in your children's class and on the other hand, there's a particular tribe of school parents who behave like this. So don't tell yourself off for oversharing, mentally tell them off for over questioning!

There's some great tips on this thread to try out but I suspect this person is made of sterner stuff and will keep on at you. Some people do even if you are what you may think of as rude in response.

The best solution if you can't shake the questioning is avoidance. Get the rota changed or find some other way of avoiding her. This kind of person will also gossip and exaggerate anything you tell them

Just try and say bland things. e.g. Just usual things, can't remember not sure, all is going well etc..

Just give non-answers:

Really well, thanks
Oh, she’s doing all the usual things
Yes, yes, always busy
Just the usual things
Oh, she does lots
Loads of things - ha, I don’t want to make a list
She’s pretty much where we expected
etc, etc

Just polite blocking, like you might do with a stranger.