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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep the baby

428 replies

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 17/04/2024 16:41

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:00

Apparently his dad is calling my dad to make us realise the consequences of having another child. Basically there are only consequences because he doesn’t want it, if he stepped up and owned up to the fact we had unprotected sex he should have seen this coming. They all just want to back me into a corner now and tbh I feel embarrassed about his dad calling my dad, as if we’re two teenagers.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. You husband is one of the vilest men I've read about here...refusing medical treatment for his own daughter to coerce his wife to get an abortion.

Fuck his dad and fuck him. I would leave the house today with your two children.

Sparklfairy · 17/04/2024 16:38

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:02

OP also states Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place.

This could also be viewed as an attempt to control him. Having a baby is an expensive undertaking which has long reaching effects on the whole family for many years and should not happen without the agreement of all parties.

Show quote history

I've said this on other threads but I'll say it again. If an individual, man or woman, doesn't want a baby, then they take responsibility for their own contraception. This isn't on OP. He can't decide not to wear a condom and act all shocked when he's got her pregnant.

I'd have some sympathy for him if he'd worn one and it had split. But all too often men value their immediate pleasure while burying their head in the sand about the 18 year+ commitment of the child they can produce. They whine that it 'doesn't feel as good' with a rubber on and just assume they can bully the woman into having an abortion later.

mrsdineen2 · 17/04/2024 16:36

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:16

Don't get me wrong @raffathegaffa . I'm sympathetic to your situation and do think he's controlling (many similarities to my ex) but I just think it's wrong to bring a baby into a family against the wishes of the other prospective parent and without proper agreement .

Would you say you're pro-choice?

Chatonette · 17/04/2024 16:34

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:06

@Chatonette yeah, basically

That’s crazy. Is your father on their side?

whatsitcalledwhen · 17/04/2024 16:28

What an utter misogynist saying his father will call your father as if the men in your life have more say over your body than you.

God he's a cunt OP.

Please tell me that whatever you decide re the pregnancy, your relationship is over as a couple as far as you're concerned?

Him using your eldest's medical treatment to blackmail you into an abortion is one of the worst things I've ever read in a decade or so on Mumsnet.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:22

@dogmandu If you read further up I said I am having an abortion, however I’m on the other side of this and he is not considering my wishes either so really either way someone loses, and this way it’s me. Because I’m the one who will have to go through the trauma of the abortion at 15 weeks and live to regret it.
coming from someone who has had a controlling partner, I would have thought you’d have had a little more empathy about you.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:16

Don't get me wrong @raffathegaffa . I'm sympathetic to your situation and do think he's controlling (many similarities to my ex) but I just think it's wrong to bring a baby into a family against the wishes of the other prospective parent and without proper agreement .

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:11

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:07

@dogmandu I already have two children with him and does any part of what I’ve said make it sound like I am the one controlling him? I highly doubt a third would make it any different either!

I said 'could also be viewed as' and I think it could.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:07

@dogmandu I already have two children with him and does any part of what I’ve said make it sound like I am the one controlling him? I highly doubt a third would make it any different either!

OP posts:
Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:06

@Chatonette yeah, basically

OP posts:
Chatonette · 17/04/2024 16:03

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:00

Apparently his dad is calling my dad to make us realise the consequences of having another child. Basically there are only consequences because he doesn’t want it, if he stepped up and owned up to the fact we had unprotected sex he should have seen this coming. They all just want to back me into a corner now and tbh I feel embarrassed about his dad calling my dad, as if we’re two teenagers.

Am I understanding this correctly? Husband is getting his dad to get your dad to bully you into an abortion? Wow.

dogmandu · 17/04/2024 16:02

WearyAuldWumman · 17/04/2024 15:30

OP, I am so sorry. As others have said, your husband is a monster.

Now that he’s used your eldest child’s medical treatment as a way to control you, he’ll do it again. You need legal counsel.

OP also states Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place.

This could also be viewed as an attempt to control him. Having a baby is an expensive undertaking which has long reaching effects on the whole family for many years and should not happen without the agreement of all parties.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 16:00

Apparently his dad is calling my dad to make us realise the consequences of having another child. Basically there are only consequences because he doesn’t want it, if he stepped up and owned up to the fact we had unprotected sex he should have seen this coming. They all just want to back me into a corner now and tbh I feel embarrassed about his dad calling my dad, as if we’re two teenagers.

OP posts:
Venturini · 17/04/2024 15:58

He’s a fucking monster. Please confide in friends and family and get away from him as soon as you are able.

WearyAuldWumman · 17/04/2024 15:30

OP, I am so sorry. As others have said, your husband is a monster.

Now that he’s used your eldest child’s medical treatment as a way to control you, he’ll do it again. You need legal counsel.

Polishedshoesalways · 17/04/2024 15:21

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 14:02

So now I have told him I am going ahead with the abortion, even though I am utterly heartbroken, he has agreed to reinstate eldests treatment. He’s also told me to tell my dad to expect a call from his dad, which I’ve told my own dad to ignore. Just feels like the whole lot of them are jumping on the bullying bandwagon now.

I hear these threats op, towards a pregnant women with leukaemia - it’s sickening op. What on earth is his Dad going to say to yours?!

Are you safeguarding money, passwords, passports etc? I think you should.

Bournetilly · 17/04/2024 15:21

Why would his dad be calling your dad? Your partner is vile using your eldest like that. Whatever you do about the baby please leave him.

SammyScrounge · 17/04/2024 15:20

Daffidale · 16/04/2024 23:20

I think you absolutely do need to leave him. No matter what you decide you can’t come back from this. The way he is speaking to you is vile. As for pulling the plug on your eldest’s medical treatment… To punish a 7 year old for your decision . It’s unforgivable.

I would concentrate on leaving him first , and then figure out what you want to do once you are clear of his bullying and controlling behaviour and have a chance to think straight.

See a lawyer about your daughter's medical treatment. The court are well used to the depths people will sink to manipulate an ex partner. It may even be that your lawyer speaking to his.will make him back down.
Surely he won't want it known that he intends to cut off.the medical treatment for his own daughter. The.courts can.order him to continue to support the child.
It is worth a try anyway.

Polishedshoesalways · 17/04/2024 15:19

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 13:54

@Polishedshoesalways as in what? What is it that you think I may be hiding?

I am not suggesting you are hiding only acknowledging that having leukaemia is a big deal, having two under two no walk in the park even without your child with severe allergies. It’s a lot.

What are your finances like?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/04/2024 14:56

Have you told him your relationship is over? Have you talked to your parents? Are they in a position to help you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And I'm really shocked at the huge lack of empathy from some people.

SerafinasGoose · 17/04/2024 14:21

Whatever you do, I'll be rooting for you. You've kept your independence of mind in very difficult conditions, you have my respect for that.

I second this comment.

ThreeLocusts · 17/04/2024 14:12

Your partner is a swine. Using the oldest's medical treatment to blackmail you into aborting is absolutely abhorrent.

Your relationship is toast either way. You will resent him massively if you abort, and he will be impossible to live with if you don't.

You sound like you have a strong visceral reaction against abortion. If you can't do it, you can't, but if you can see the positives for your own sake, to strengthen your position for leaving him, then do it, I'd say.

You're still young. I was 36 when I had my first kid and managed to get to three... there'd be a kind of poetic justice in you aborting the child, making sure he commits to the allergy treatment, and then leaving him anyway.

Whatever you do, I'll be rooting for you. You've kept your independence of mind in very difficult conditions, you have my respect for that.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 17/04/2024 14:07

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 14:02

So now I have told him I am going ahead with the abortion, even though I am utterly heartbroken, he has agreed to reinstate eldests treatment. He’s also told me to tell my dad to expect a call from his dad, which I’ve told my own dad to ignore. Just feels like the whole lot of them are jumping on the bullying bandwagon now.

Expect a call from his dad?

About what?

Your partner is a knob and I would be figuring out a way to ensure your daughter's access to the treatment she needs without his help and then leaving him.

I'm sorry about the abortion. But I don't think it's a good idea to tie yourself to this man even more than you already are by having another child with him.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 14:02

So now I have told him I am going ahead with the abortion, even though I am utterly heartbroken, he has agreed to reinstate eldests treatment. He’s also told me to tell my dad to expect a call from his dad, which I’ve told my own dad to ignore. Just feels like the whole lot of them are jumping on the bullying bandwagon now.

OP posts:
Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 13:54

@Polishedshoesalways as in what? What is it that you think I may be hiding?

OP posts: