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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep the baby

428 replies

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 25/04/2024 20:00

OP, I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this.

Again, I'm strongly pro-choice, but I just don't hear from you that you feel this abortion is your choice...more that you've been coerced and bullied into this. I feel very uncomfortable encouraging you to go forward.

I'm sorry your parents are struggling too as you don't need hysterics, you need peace and space to make your own decision.

I wish you and your daughters could get far away from your DH, so you have a few days to clearly think things through. This kind of stress isn't conducive to big life decisions.

Could you lie to your husband, tell him you need to get away to heal from the procedure and then go someplace where you can think quietly on your own? If you can, please take space and peace to think so you can feel confident in your decision, whatever it is.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 25/04/2024 19:51

Thank you all for the responses and just to update everyone -
Unfortunately I couldn’t get myself into a mentally well enough place to go into hospital and take the second tablets for the abortion. Taking the first lot was instant regret, and the very next day I had to take my daughter for a hospital food challenge (she was allergic to almond but her tests showed a decrease in sensitivity so they perform a food challenge in hospital to see if you have grown out of that particular allergy and you have to spend the day on a ward) and this particular ward was inside the antenatal clinic happy pregnant couples everywhere, I was a mess. Non stop crying for the 4 hours we were there for the appointment, and to make matters worse the mother of the child in the bed next to us was pregnant and due at the same time as me and there were lots of conversations going on about it with the nurses. It was all just so raw for me after taking the first tablet.
Anyway I have spiralled since then and couldn’t go in for the second part… my parents are also acting completely hysterical as they didn’t want me to have an abortion and it is not helpful at all, I have never felt in such turmoil in my life. Anyway so I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can do this is to go down the surgical route, I hate to drag this out any longer but I have a pre op assessment on Tuesday and then hopefully the op can be scheduled for the end of this week. My mum also guilt tripped me into going for a private scan today to see if the baby still had a heart beat (which it did) I went on my own and I told the sonographer the story beforehand so I didn’t see anything but I wish I didn’t even have the scan now, I only went because I felt bad that my mum paid for it, but I never asked for it in the first place. It’s all such a mess.

OP posts:
NamingConundrum · 25/04/2024 15:43

You've been put in an awful situation, and its because of him. He is the reason for all this pain and suffering. Every time you see him going forward begging and pleading remember that. He's put you in an awful situation before, you split, he won you back and this was the result. You've been so strong so far, and this is going to make you feel so so vunerable so do what you can to protect yourself x

Pipsquiggle · 25/04/2024 15:37

Hope you are doing ok OP. This must've been such a shit week for you. Please try to be kind to yourself x

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 25/04/2024 13:12

I'm sorry you are on this position. You have effectively been controlled and abused in this relationship from the outset. Ignore the posters who don't understand the manipulation and fear that comes with it.

Build your support network, family, friends, GP, women's aid etc and get the hell out.

You can have a life free from this. It may not be easy but it will be better.

DrawersOnTheDoors · 25/04/2024 12:21

I just wanted to send a handhold. For what it's worth I'd be doing the same as you in this situation Flowers

Snisel · 24/04/2024 17:03

How are you doing today OP? Thinking of you. All the best 💐

Homebird8 · 23/04/2024 11:04

@Bumblingbee101 at least read the OP's posts before posting. She has made her very difficult decision.

Bumblingbee101 · 23/04/2024 07:43

So this man is making your eldest suffer as a form of blackmail.. what does that really say about him. He needs to own up to the fact that he was part of this. You didn't get pregnant by yourself! To blackmail you is so unkind, you are the one who has to go through it emotionally and physically not him. Talk to your family. If the support is there and pregnancy healthy I say go for it and bin him. Good luck with whatever you decide! X

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 23/04/2024 01:27

Just to add, keep copies of any evidence you can get about him cancelling your child’s treatment and the blackmail about the abortion - emails/letters from hospital, texts etc to use later in child custody proceedings. Along with evidence of financial abuse, threats, anything said about not taking your DDs allergies seriously from him or his family - screenshot texts.

Keep your powder dry until you feel able to leave and you have had support from Women’s Aid or similar and counselling (hopefully) to extricate yourself from the web of this sociopathic excuse of a man.

RamblingAroundTheInternet · 23/04/2024 01:02

tkwal · 22/04/2024 17:13

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling right now. You have made the hardest decision you will ever have to make and you did it because of how much you love the children you already have. It's the mature and sensible decision considering the situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own. If you can cope with this and the next few days you can get through anything life throws at you.

Don't be taken in by your partners apologies. He is the one who has ended your love for him and your relationship by his cold, callous and controlling behaviour. He will not destroy your life, or your children's lives any more.

My very best wishes, love and support to you for your future

I echo this. You are in a rock and hard place situation with obligations to the children you already have. Your DD getting her treatment is rightly your overwhelming one. Her own father put you in this impossible situation and cancelling his own child’s life saving medical treatment to blackmail you into aborting another of his children is the one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

If you do stay in this relationship after this it should be on the one condition that he marries you immediately as awful as that sounds.

Divorce the evil bastard as soon as your child’s treatment is completed, so you can at least take him for whatever you can and your DC aren’t affected too much financially. I think length of relationship before marriage is taken into account in a divorce even in a short marriage and hopefully after successful treatment for your DD and her being a bit older so being more aware of what she eats if not all allergies can be treated successfully, that will tie in and you won’t need to be so concerned about him and his family not taking her allergies seriously. That is a massive very valid concern and he sounds the type to use it to scare and upset you if you leave him now.

You can plan your escape to get you through it. Keep a diary of the coercive control.

Something to think about if you don’t feel strong enough to leave right now.

He also sounds the type who would try to do everything to avoid giving you any financial support if you leave without the protection of marriage.

For now, I hope this time passes quickly, you have support and you have as easy a time as possible in the circumstances.

Maybemaybeebee · 23/04/2024 00:08

Hope that you are ok, sending you lots of positive thoughts. It’s really tough but you’ll get through this. Pls stay strong and leave your partner. He is definitely abusive, this is how they operate. He’ll prob love bomb you next to try and get you to stay, guilt trip you by saying you are splitting up the family etc. You need to leave, your children will suffer alongside you if you stay. As they get older, they will notice the abuse and it will affect them. He has groomed you, you are under his control, I know how hard it is but you have to leave and not go back to him. Be prepared, he will make life very difficult for you once you’ve left him, I am so pleased that you have the support of your family.

You will be ok, I’ve brought 4 children up on my own ,after being widowed, with no help from my family. 2 DC’s with SEN as well.

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 00:01

user1471465748 · 22/04/2024 23:29

I just wanted to say I think you're very brave and as dark as things seem now, they will be better. Hugs and thoughts with you this week. one day you'll be free and hopefully will find someone who treats you as well as you and your children deserve and that your ex gets what's coming.
Separately, what he's done is coercive control which is a criminal offence. Talk to women's aid and the police. Protect yourself x

I couldn't agree with this more op. You are are so brave and handling this amazing. I know the next few days will be rough but we are all here for you.

user1471465748 · 22/04/2024 23:29

I just wanted to say I think you're very brave and as dark as things seem now, they will be better. Hugs and thoughts with you this week. one day you'll be free and hopefully will find someone who treats you as well as you and your children deserve and that your ex gets what's coming.
Separately, what he's done is coercive control which is a criminal offence. Talk to women's aid and the police. Protect yourself x

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 22/04/2024 23:19

Witchcraftandhokum · 22/04/2024 22:41

Leave him, he's a dick, but moving forward you need to stop being 'shocked' to be pregnant if you're having sex without any contraception.

Thank you for your constructive and helpful response.

OP posts:
Witchcraftandhokum · 22/04/2024 22:41

Leave him, he's a dick, but moving forward you need to stop being 'shocked' to be pregnant if you're having sex without any contraception.

Snisel · 22/04/2024 22:01

OP there is a website called I’mNotSorry (.net) where you can read about other women and their positive experiences of abortion. Have you heard of that website? It might help you feel solidarity at this difficult time.

Just wanted to mention that in case it can in any way alleviate your pain. Thinking of you and sending hugs and best wishes.

Silvers11 · 22/04/2024 20:35

@raffathegaffa So sorry you are having to go through this. Please stay strong and leave this man, as you have decided to do, once you have got through this part. I'll bet he's apologising now, but it is much too late for your relationship to survive. Thinking of you.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 22/04/2024 18:45

Thank you everyone. These replies honestly mean so much, they’re really helping me through it so I’m taking some comfort in that.

OP posts:
Vive42 · 22/04/2024 17:26

Big big hugs OP.

You are so brave. You are strong. Even if you don’t feel it right now.

Although one door is closing, many more are going to open.

You have your two beautiful children already here whose smiles and love will hold you through these difficult times I hope.

You will have your body back soon to fight this fight to have a new life where you don’t have live with a tyrant anymore.

You deserve and are worthy of so much more.

Caerulea · 22/04/2024 17:15

You did what you needed to do & that's hard & it hurts but you WILL be OK. That took a huge amount of courage & strength, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'm so glad you're sticking with leaving that revolting, abusive manchild. Allow yourself time to get through this, at some point you'll be on the other side of it looking back from a happier & more secure place.

Are you with your family?

tkwal · 22/04/2024 17:13

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling right now. You have made the hardest decision you will ever have to make and you did it because of how much you love the children you already have. It's the mature and sensible decision considering the situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own. If you can cope with this and the next few days you can get through anything life throws at you.

Don't be taken in by your partners apologies. He is the one who has ended your love for him and your relationship by his cold, callous and controlling behaviour. He will not destroy your life, or your children's lives any more.

My very best wishes, love and support to you for your future

WearyAuldWumman · 22/04/2024 17:05

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Zonder · 22/04/2024 16:57

I'm so sorry. Things will get better even if it's hard to imagine now.

Spencer0220 · 22/04/2024 16:03

Massive hugs. We're all here too.

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