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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to keep the baby

428 replies

raffathegaffa · 16/04/2024 23:15

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 17/04/2024 09:02

Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 23:18

Leave the man and keep the baby if you have enough support that you'll be able to cope.

I'm sorry you have wasted 8 years with this narcissistic bully. I really hope better days come for you and your children.

This!

Vile. bullying behaviour to say you'll ruin all of (y)our lives"and threatening to leave you and your children.

It is his attitude that threatens to ruin all of your lives - what he is doing is just demanding his own way - in everything.

Only you can make the final decision, and from what you say you won't be able to live with yourself if you terminate your pregnancy - and he won't live with you if you don't.

Personally, I would find it more important to be able to live with myself, but of course you have two other children to consider - he is putting you in an horrendous position.

Whatever you finally choose to do, TBH I think your relationship is doomed.

Everythinggreen · 17/04/2024 08:59

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 08:48

@GreatGateauxsby @RandomButtons Yes, it’s leukaemia. But with the medication I take it’s possible to live a long, healthy life. It’s called CML and I was diagnosed just after I turned 21, so I’ve been living with it for the last 7 years and no sign of going anywhere yet.

My adult niece has this too (and has DC) and OP obviously understands the complications and risks with pregnancy as she has had 2. CML is not what people typically think of when they think of Leukemia and she obviously is on life long treatment and fully informed. Enough of people's shock horror now!

CC222 · 17/04/2024 08:58

He is abusive. Even if you decided to have a termination in order to "keep the peace", you'd resent him, and the relationship couldn't survive that anyway without you being bitterly unhappy.
If it's not in your heart to have a termination, don't go ahead with it. You won't forgive yourself for letting this man bully you into something that you may always regret.
Do what is right for you, you will cope just fine. You already do...
And either way, it's time to consider if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He sounds awful.
Good luck 💕

whatsitcalledwhen · 17/04/2024 08:55

What will the affects on your leukaemia be if you continue a pregnancy to term OP! I think that's a really crucial consideration.

You'll (quite rightly) never forgive him for withdrawing your daughters medical treatment, so the relationship is unsalvageable and you can't make it a consideration.

You need to leave him either way. The question needs to be whether you still want to continue the pregnancy as a single parent to three children or whether that isn't the right thing for you and the existing children. There's no morally right or wrong decision here, you need to do what you have to do.

I would advise some counselling around the termination decision which I believe marie stopes offers Flowers

ttcat37 · 17/04/2024 08:54

Leave him. You will cope better than you think. He’s not there most of the time anyway, and you have a supportive family.

I could not abort a wanted baby. Please have some counselling before making that choice because it’s impossible to know how you’ll feel afterwards.

Everythinggreen · 17/04/2024 08:51

I think the relationship was over the minute he decided to withhold your 7 yr olds treatment, what kind of man can do that to his own child!

It's bound to be a very scary time for you, but first step is definitely to make a plan of action of how you can separate (and eventually divorce) what that means for you financially, work, childcare and maternity leave when applicable. Once you have these things clearer in your head, you'll get more determined in practice.

I wish I had something to suggest regarding the allergies but I see some helpful posters have covered that.

Stay strong OP, you're clearly a good mum and that counts for everything for your kids xx

Vive42 · 17/04/2024 08:51

You have leukaemia?? Ok, scratch my last post. I don’t know the medical ins and outs of pregnancy with this medical issue.

OP it sounds like you need to put yourself first. However you do that. You also sound like you’re in co-dependent relationship. You may benefit from therapy. Alone, possibly together but long term id be surprised if the relationship can survive. I wish you all the best with your treatment.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 08:48

@GreatGateauxsby @RandomButtons Yes, it’s leukaemia. But with the medication I take it’s possible to live a long, healthy life. It’s called CML and I was diagnosed just after I turned 21, so I’ve been living with it for the last 7 years and no sign of going anywhere yet.

OP posts:
Vive42 · 17/04/2024 08:44

I’d terminate too and leave.

Has he said why he doesn’t want it?

His anger is out of control with taking it out on his other child.

But he really doesn’t want a third it seems.

It sounds like you’ve fallen into a pattern of “I’m right” and “you’re wrong”. You both think the other one is being unreasonable.

he is being unreasonable to hurt his older child.

However I can understand the feeling of not wanting another child.

Id ask for his honest reasons. There’s some big fear underneath all the anger.

Hes had two already, after all. Going from two to three is a huge step psychologically (as well as bedrooms, holidays etc long term) and maybe he’s not ready and for that reason he’s gone berserk.

It’s a fear based behaviour id say. I’d get some couple counselling asap and try to lever it out of him. What is he so afraid of?

But if he won’t agree to counselling I’d terminate and leave. Why have more kids with someone who won’t go the extra mile? Do the work, try to be a better person?

GreatGateauxsby · 17/04/2024 08:43

Exactly @RandomButtons

RandomButtons · 17/04/2024 08:41

GreatGateauxsby · 17/04/2024 08:39

leukemia???
you have incurable leukemia???? And you just drop that into the mix 3 pages in?

This is just beyond crazy…..

Edited

Wait what?

SoupDragonsFriend · 17/04/2024 08:41

You said in your last post that you have leukaemia. That's a whole load more stress sitting alongside everything you are dealing with, even if it is being well managed, and your partner behaving as he has done adds a whole new layer of abuse by him into the equation. What have the medics who are managing your illness advised about the pregnancy? Would it have an impact on your long-term treatment and well-being?

By putting you and your mental and physical health first above everyone and everything else, you'll be in a stronger position to look after your children and make good decisions for all of you. It's a horrible situation to be in, but you're sounding clearer and clearer.

underscorer · 17/04/2024 08:41

You've been a mug. Sorry but this 'oh but he has a caring side and I lurve him' is bollocks. Grow a spine, for the sake of your children if nothing else. Have the baby if you want, but you'll be doing it alone.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/04/2024 08:39

leukemia???
you have incurable leukemia???? And you just drop that into the mix 3 pages in?

This is just beyond crazy…..

ShalommJackie · 17/04/2024 08:39

Genuine question, can you continue with a pregnancy if you have leukaemia?

RandomButtons · 17/04/2024 08:37

Ditch the abusive asshole man and keep the baby.

Venturini · 17/04/2024 08:37

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/04/2024 08:28

He's not a great Dad, he's withdrawn medical treatment from his child.
I think if you can find the strength to leave him your life will improve.

Show quote history

Yes, to echo a PP this is one of the worst things I have read on mumsnet. He is despicable.

Beautiful3 · 17/04/2024 08:36

Honestly I'd terminate and leave him. He is being abusive. A baby would tie you down to him as you'd be trapped financially.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 17/04/2024 08:35

I wouldn’t keep the baby but I would be ending the relationship and moving back to where you have family - but I know how hard it is to go it alone when pregnant and with existing children, and what it’s like to go it alone with a newborn and no support. Good luck whatever you decide Flowers

MissUltraViolet · 17/04/2024 08:34

Your relationship is over regardless at this point no matter what you decide, surely? How can you ever come back from such disgusting behaviour on his part?

He has withdrawn medical care from his daughter in an attempt to get his own way - absolutely vile.

Poorlymumma · 17/04/2024 08:30

I'd keep the baby and get rid of the husband. I know it's easier said than done but I couldn't forgive him for how horrible he's being and an abortion at 14 weeks would be incredibly difficult to go through if it's not something you really want.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you have a supportive family please call your parents.

I'd also keep any horrible messages he's sent you in case you need them for evidence in the future.

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/04/2024 08:28

raffathegaffa · 17/04/2024 00:27

@dontcryformeargentina sounds stupid and cliche but when things are good they are very good, he is a great dad and there are lots of nice qualities about him too - I’ve been fixating on those too much I know and I just need to accept that he is a narcissist and he will never truly love me because the only person he really loves is himself.

He's not a great Dad, he's withdrawn medical treatment from his child.
I think if you can find the strength to leave him your life will improve.

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/04/2024 08:18

PurpleBugz · 16/04/2024 23:28

I couldn't forgive behaviour like this! He is vile. You should leave him regardless.

You are not unreasonable to keep the baby. You would not be unreasonable to abort.

I too walked out of an abortion clinic as I couldn't go through with it. I don't regret it as I love my child but he has significant SEND and now I'm facing life alone without support and a child with such high needs he has no school place and can't cope with childcare. I can't work, socialise or even sleep a full night. I don't know how significant your eldest needs are, and you do the week alone anyway so no doubt can cope. But consider what you would do if your baby grows into a child who has high needs. My life is over, had I had the abortion it would not be

Goodness, I am so sorry. Is there any kind of respite care available? The right kind of institutional care? I don't want to sound heartless but I am very concerned for you.

PilkosPumpPants · 17/04/2024 08:14

I’d be asking for legal aid on behalf of your daughter to bring a case against him for withdrawal of the treatment due him blackmailing you.

RoachFish · 17/04/2024 08:12

Oh OP I really feel for you. I was in your position for 22 years with my ex and finally left a couple of years ago. You think you have realised now how abusive he has been but once you leave you will be hit with realisation after realisation and it will feel like you are coming out of a thick cloud and you can finally see your life clearly.

I think you probably should have the termination even though I understand it's a tough decision to make. You won't have the mental capacity to have another baby in the position you will be. He is abusive so he will most likely not allow you to stay in the house for very long at all, even if he says he will now. You will not be able to afford looking after yourself and three kids during maternity leave, he won't be an active parent so it will all fall on you which will impact your earning capabilities. He will most likely just live in London if that's where his work is.

Basically, you cannot afford baby number 3. It would put immense stress on you on top of having to support the two you already have and trying to get well mentally after an abusive relationship.

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