To ask if you have anxiety, do you act like a dick to people when anxious?!

Things that my XP blamed on his anxiety disorder:

Taking all our camping gear and possessions out of a packed car and throwing them in the mud of a farmyard while screaming at me in front of 2 year old DS (apparently he was anxious about driving my car. Shame he didn't use his words to tell me that);

Being incredibly rude and snappy with me when he'd lost his phone, followed by engineering an argument where he harangued me without stopping for 2 hours (he was anxious because I was concentrating on getting DC out of the car when he turned up so didn't greet him properly);

Getting drunk, engineering another argument, then insisting on driving half an hour home (I'd had an argument with my parents and it put him on edge).

I'm sure he does have an anxiety disorder. But- and I'm no expert here- on the strength of this behaviour, I would diagnose him with a condition known as Being A Massive Cunt.

As someone who battles anxiety, a lot of anxiety and the resultant behaviours lead to an overwhelmed need to control. Intrusive thoughts lead you to want to control as much as possible to offset disaster and to stay safe. The more you give in to and accommodate those thoughts the worse it gets and the more restricted life becomes. They are not helping themselves by trying to extend their control outwards to others but that isn't your business.

You can't change how they are choosing to live. Their anxiety is not your responsibility. Live how you want, speak to who you want. What they are asking is unreasonable, their lack of apology is unreasonable and it is perfectly fine for you to give them consequences in terms of how much you interact with them.

I’m not demanding but I am hyper vigilant, a bit paranoid and painfully self conscious and I’m told I often come across as stand offish and rude to people. Which isn’t my intention.

Well obviously not everyone who has anxiety is rude, demanding and angry.

It sounds like your family member is just unpleasant.

Thing is with anxiety disorder you are constantly in a state of fight or flight mode so I can imagine that's why the persons nerves are coming out as demanding which I understand is annoying for you.

Having had one myself in the past it was such a traumatising time to be constantly on edge. Please remember this person isn't acting like this on purpose. Although you don't understand why they could be anxious, to them it's a huge deal.

I couldn't go to public spaces after an awful experience out of the country and every so often being in a busy situation puts me on edge now. It used to leave me feeling sick and I'd panic if I couldn't see a way out or a toilet to be able to run into 😣 really was awful. I do feel for you it can't be easy putting up with it. I'm suprised people stayed friends with me when I'd just want to stay home all the time as was too frightened to go out.

Well yes, their anxiety might be worse when you’re not doing what they want. But that doesn’t give them the right to be controlling and manipulative. How they manage their behaviour is their responsibility, not yours.

Yes I do, OP. Then I apologise.
Have been managing GAD for most of my life, no meds.
Brought up to be tough by silent generation parents in another country. What a shit. 😁
Sometimes it's not that bad, sometimes it's overwhelming.
My husband became very kind and understanding over 20 years.
Oh well! 😅

You're making a few generalisations there. There are plenty of people who do make efforts to improve.It's just all consuming mentally. I absolutely understand that it must be awful to live with, but not everyone is a Mrs Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.

Sure I'll get flamed but the family members of people with mental health conditions often have to put up with a huge amount of shit.

I have a parent with various mental health problems. Their self-centredness and selfishness is off the fucking scale. No interest, concern or empathy for anyone else. The world revolves around their demands. Everyone else is simply here to serve this person. They make no effort to help themselves or listen to the advice of the many, many health professionals they see.

Oh but they can't help it. It's mental health. The rest of us need to be more understanding.

I've fucking had enough, actually. And my empathy is running extremely low.

Hmm they sound like a controlling narcissist to me. I get snappy when anxious but I don't think I can control what others do and nor would I expect anyone to run around for me.

Thanks 🙄

If someone acts like a dick when anxious, it’s because they’re a dick, not because they’re anxious.

My husband had a year of appalling anxiety for which he had medication and counseling and is happily now 100% better (although we still never take his mental health for granted).

Throughout the whole horrible period he was his normal loving, considerate self with me, family and friends. If anything, he was extra loving because he was upset that his anxiety was impacting others. It wasn't, he's a darling and we all just wanted to support him to get well again.

It sounds like your family member OP is revealing something about themself that is perhaps there despite the anxiety. You are doing the right thing to draw a line and set boundaries.

Ironically there's a woman on the radio talking about anxiety right now 😬

The anxiety can result in a complete lack of control though. You just lose it, common sense goes out the window and paranoia comes in. And a whole load of physical sensations/symptoms to fight. It can be so overwhelming. It can just lead to a complete meltdown. Not excusing anyone being a dick, and definitely appreciate it must be hell to live with, but it can really just take over mind and body.

I think in a situation like this, the problem arises when nobody else involved actually challenges/questions the assertion that "kids make me too anxious so they can't stay" or suggests a compromise, or offers understanding. e.g. Yes, kids might make the person anxious, but someone has to step in and say, yes, I understand you feel this way but the family is in a dire situation and need to stay with us, and we'll help you cope.

The "being a dick" might arise from a low sense of self worth (which can go hand-in-hand with something like chronic anxiety), a lack of self awareness, emotional immaturity (which might entail having little reflective capacity and consideration for how your behaviour impacts others).

There's probably more going on than anxiety. But of course that doesn't excuse the behaviour.

The anxious stuff is always something not to be anxious about

Anxiety gets worse when it is said or inferred that you 'shouldn't' be anxious, so your attitude here, spoken or unspoken, won't be helping.

They are allowed to be anxious. They are allowed to be a dick. They are allowed to be rude. You are allowed to tell them you don't like it. You are allowed to choose not to spend time with them. You are allowed to not be empathic.

Take responsibility for your own behaviour and choices, and let them take responsibility for theirs. This isn't about 'whether they crossed a line'; it's about 'what you do when you are no longer comfortable putting up with something'

Its too complex a disorder/illness and too variable across those who experience it to say for sure what people should and should not be able to do or control.
For that reason, I think if you're living with a person with anxiety, it's the wrong question to ask. The question should really be, regardless of whether they can help it or not, this is how they are behaving, so can i tolerate it? If the answer is no, you need to be working to distance yourself from them, or if that's impossible (because they're your child) creating boundaries to protect yourself.
Because whether they can help it or not makes no difference to the experience of being on the receiving end, and over time that will take its toll on you. Trying to diagnose and pick out the controllable parts so you can tell them to stop isn't a viable solution, so you can only change your response.

Sounds like your family member has more of an issue with being demanding and a lack of interest in how it affects others. I can be in fight or flight when anxious so act in an OTT way but I'm aware of it being difficult for others and have had years of treatment to try to control.

In all honesty, yes sometimes. When my anxiety gets really bad literally everything feels like the end of the world to me and sometimes I end up snapping at family members for minor things that usually wouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t happen very often and I always feel terrible afterwards and apologise profusely. It doesn’t help that certain family members don’t understand my anxiety at all and end up shouting at me for not being rational, which makes everything worse. I find it really difficult to behave in a calm and rational way when I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Nope. Being a dick and having anxiety are not connected traits. Some people are both.

And the person with anxiety has to manage it by the same token. They don't get to dictate how everyone else should behave.

If you read the OP's other posts then you'd be aware of the examples.

How would communication help when it's just one person making unreasonable demands of those around them. People who are unreasonable don't tend to have productive conversations.

No, like @Foxblue, my issues are mine to handle.