To think I've failed as an adult?

No different or better advice than what has already been said OP, but I just wanted to echo that you definitely haven't failed! You sound like you just don't really know what you want to pursue in life. Can't drive? So what, I use public transport. Can't cook well? Plenty of time to learn. Be kind to yourself. xx

Sorry this tickled me as I did this degree and ended up as a data analyst 😂

But seriously, with a good DP and children already I think you're doing better than you think. 20s are a weird time - everyone is doing things at different rates, so you have people with decent careers but no children feeling like they're flagging behind people with children and not where they want to be in their careers (and vice versa), some people on the property ladder vs others travelling (each potentially envious of the other) etc.

When I feel overwhelmed (which I suspect you're feeling at the moment), I think about one achievable thing I can do to improve my situation. Can be small. But just start there and work your way through the rest of your list.

I agree that it sounds like you haven't come across the right sort of job for you yet, there's nothing wrong with leaving a job if it isn't working for you. You've never been fired, so that's a positive! Think about what your strengths are and what energises you, how do you like to work/how do you work best (e.g. what time of day are you most productive, who are you most productive around, do you work better alone etc). Then research jobs that align with what you're naturally good at. Then think of a game plan about how you'll get there.

You've got this OP!

When people say they can't do something it means you haven't been shown that's all.

You can learn though.

OP, you haven't failed at all.
Here, have a different perspective:
I didn't choose to become an adult in this world.
I don't cook, drive, work or have kids.
All by choice, 44yo.
I married "well" to be sorted for the rest of my life.
Do I think I have failed as an adult? No!
Bloody care free! For 25 years and counting.
Whoever doesn't approve, doesn't have to be around me.😁

For one, from your first post, you have the skill of self reflection. I can't begin to tell you how many people lack that

Yes I agree that stood out to me too.

I also wondered about ADHD, we are learning so much more about how it presents in women and girls now. Less physical hyperactivity like boys, more mind chatter and chronic procrastination/bursts of hyper focus.

Many people don't drive.
Cooking - lots of advice.
Job - have a long hard think about something you love and think about roles in that area. We all have meh times at work, but if you enjoy 70% of it, it's much easier to stick to. Or can you work towards being self employed in an area of expertise? So you can time things round you better - I'm SE and work afternoons and evenings as I am NOT a morning person and the 9-5 gives me the horrors.

28 is so young, you can do SO much with your life if you want to. You've not failed at ALL.

You sound great and I'd be very proud of you if you were my daughter. You have a happy partnership and are raising two children well, at only 28. Uni just isn't necessary, you don't have to be career focused. It's ok for a job to just be a job. You don't have to set the world on fire. What makes you happy?

I didn't go to uni till I was 27, didn't learn to drive till I was 36 and have only in the last two years stopped living on 10k a year. I did learn to cook when I was a teen/ya as that's how to make ends meet when you're not wealthy. But still have to use recipes! And never have the attention span for complicated things. I just learnt a few standards and stuck to them. If I'm left to my own devices I eat houmous and rivita for dinner even now hah.

The adhd thing has been said of me by friends and family, but maybe it's not so great to invest your energies there. Maybe just find things that do sustain your interests. Maybe try taking a course in something you enjoy as a beginner to HE. I did a high school level art course at 25 and ended up going to three prestigious art schools (and got funding for all but a small part of it). I just mean, if you start by something very small (a council/govt funded evening course) you could end up doing things that satisfy you a lot. I also did evening courses that I didn't stick to while finding the course that took me where I am.

I have now found a job that suits my type of brain (though still sit around in a lot of anxiety) but I did about 30 very different jobs before then, and am constantly thinking about all the other things I might do instead.

I'm realising maybe you'll think I've also done a bad job of adulting, hah, but hey, I'm glad of the experiences I have had. I used to have a few quotes bumping around my head about my favourite authors who lived similarly but I've just assimilated them into my character.

First of all there is just one template on how to live your life.

You are still young and you might just not have found the right job/career yet and you can retrain or go to university if you want. This days most people don't have a job for life anymore and have different careers through their lifetime.

As long as you manage to feed yourself well there is also no need to cook like a chef!

I lived in London for decades and never bothered to get a car either. No need for it. I still don't have one as I live close to shops and there is a bus stop 5 minutes from my house.

As others have said there could something going on as well in the background in term of your anxiety and restlessness that might be worth exploring.

But really stop comparing yourself to others and instead focus on following your own path.

So you were in an abusive marriage, people that tend to end up in abusive marriages tend (although not always) to have other vulnerabilities whether that's from their upbringing or other reasons which is likely to have a knock on effect to the way you are feeling.

It's hard to have friends as an adult, you'll often find threads on here about mum's that don't have them. I don't particularly although occasionally meet up with colleagues from my former workplace. Friendships take a while to develop getting out and joining groups is your best bet, expect it to take at least 6 months to stop being the new person and to start being engaged as part of the group or 'inner circle'. I think it can take longer than expected to be fully apart of a group as people don't want to expend energy on someone new that might up and leave.

Alot of what you are saying points to autism/ADHD or trauma they are a tricky web to unwind but if you had similar struggles as a child it's worth investigating even if it just gives you validation.

It sounds like you are in a negative spiral, you need to turn those negatives into a positive. You successfully left an abusive relationship. You successfully work 4 days a week even though it's challenging....etc etc.

As an aside I actually preferred learning to drive as an adult, having that time to invest in me and learn a new skill did me the world of good in a way that wouldn't have benefitted me at 17.

You haven't failed as an adult. You're only 28. According to my daughter you don't become an adult until you're 31.....she has 3 days to learn. 😁

Sorry that you feel as you do. I was in the same boat at 28. I'm now 48. I had my kid at 37 after a 10 yr fertility journey, passed my driving test at 39, bought a shared ownership at 40 and studied to be a social worker at 46...
It's horrid to feel as you do...when you are younger you have a timescale or plan in your head... and then life doesn't pan out as you think. I hope hearing from others that did stuff in their 30's and 40's helps shifting your view that you ve failed as an adult.

You sound very similar in capability to me at your age. I'm autistic (and possibly dyspraxic).

No way failing if you have kids!! That's full on adulting right there! Respect.
I'm 10yrs older and only just had a baby. At 28 I still felt like a teenager although im sure from outside i looked like a confident young adult. It takes everyone different times to feel 'mature'.

Also your post screamed adhd to me as well. My DP has autism and adhd ( high functioning, he is supper cleaver and really kind and quirky in a cute way ) - he could have written your post regarding jobs especially.

So you are good at sustaining a happy marriage? And have built yourself a family and a home? Some people look their whole lives for that. It is something to be celebrated and cherished. Relationships take work and you are clearly doing well there!

I could have written the work part of your list myself. I do get it. Something that age has taught me though is that it doesn’t make ME a failure, it just means that I need to adapt my plans to better fit my needs. As a pp said, you could consider part time or freelance work if you want to try another way.

Being able to hold down a 9-5 job (happily), cook or drive does not define you. The way that you interact with other people, the values you live by and the impact you make on the world is what defines you. I am sure that you are everything to your family and friends.

Yes YAB very U!

You have not failed at being an adult. For one thing, you're going to be an adult for many more years (hopefully), so you have plenty of time yet to finesse your skill set.

Anxiety is an absolute bastard and can be horrendously debilitating. It often pairs itself with depression, and one of the things about depression is that the illness itself makes you believe that you are the problem. Not true, it's the depression and anxiety themselves talking. They lie.

They are sly and insidious interlopers so it may be worth investigating pharmaceutical and therapeutic support if you haven't already.

Thank you for your post. I am twice your age, or thereabouts, and I sometimes feel despairingly incompetent and inadequate too. I find it hard to give myself a pep talk when I actually need it the most, so it does me good to big you up here. I know that I am right about you being unreasonable, and that means my episodic feelings about myself are unreasonable too!

Please look after yourself.

We've all failed at something. I wouldn't let it worry you.

I can hold down a job but have never managed to hold down a relationship for more than about 3 years. As soon as a man starts trying to manipulate me, I get fed up & leave. I'm just hopeless at making things work.

And I'm a terrible cook - as my most recent ex never tired of telling me - but I can make omelettes and really good salads, and anything that works in a slow cooker, so we don't starve. DS is well fed which is all that matters.

So just focus on the things you can do, and enjoy those bits. Occasionally have a go at something new but don't get upset if it doesn't work.

Everyone else is secretly thinking exactly the same xx

What was your childhood like op? Were you bullied at school? Sending a big hug!

You haven't finished being an adult yet!! You don't need university to succeed as an adult. You should get yourself some basic cooking skills but you can learn this within a year easily if you commit to it. Simple things like pasta, jacket Potatoe, shepherds pie is easy once you get the hang of it. I'm a very good cook but some days we have ready meal dinner or similar, I rarely have the time to do impressive meals we eat lots of pasta and oven ready hunters chicken etc microwave veg too- it's not failing to not do something every single meal!

Think long and hard about what it is about the jobs you have left that you struggle with and then think about what jobs exist that don't have these things. Personally I have a few struggles and I found a job I can do that let me avoid the stuff I struggle with most days.

You haven’t failed OP! I do feel like a lot of your post resonates with me too, it’s hard

I can’t cook any decent meals
honestly, just start small. Have you got any cook books/apps that you could look at? I started off looking at BBC good food and the Tasty app.

I can’t drive
you’re not the only one! It may feel that you are, to me it felt like so many people knew how to drive, passed their tests way before me etc, so I was somewhat surprised to find out that not everyone does have a (full) licence.

I can’t keep a job when I have one
Could it be that you haven’t found the right job? Is it that you don’t enjoy it? Or find one then realise it’s not what you thought? I do feel what you mean though, so many people say “just get a job” etc when in reality it is hard to find one!

Didnt go to uni
There’s lots of other routes nowaways, university isn’t the be all and end all. There’s apprenticeships, online courses (ie open university), colleges, or if you did want to go to university take a look at access courses. I was at university but had to leave and am currently looking at doing an online qualification.

I have anxiety which is limiting in some aspects of life
Have you got any support for this? Did you have any support at work when you were working? Do you think you need extra support?

I thought I’d failed in life too. Mid 30’s, longest I’ve ever held down a job has been 8 months, struggle to cook when in employment, struggle to function really. I’ve recently been diagnosed as autistic and I think I also have adhd. Not saying it’s the same for you, but I haven’t failed, I’ve been doing the best with the cards I’ve been dealt with. Try not to be hard on yourself, you are young enough to learn how to do the things you want, and get support for areas you struggle with.