To be expected to run around after another's child?

Just say no. I had a similar thing with a mum wanting to do a lift share for her DD. I just didn't want to do it and the arrangement would have been slightly but not massively inconvenient for me. I valued the one to one time in the car with my daughter, so I just said no. She kept asking and I kept saying no. She probably thought I was selfish but I didn't really care. In the end she lift shared with someone else.

A few things radiate from your posts.

It’s unclear what age the kids are but you say they haven’t done GCSE yet so I am guessing early secondary school age especially if doing an unusual hobby.

Firstly you clearly don’t like this woman or the child. Your child somewhat likes the child as she’s “queen bee”. In this case, you’ve nothing to lose from you being the bad cop here. If quizzed at school, your daughter can feign disinterest: “I don’t know why, your mum should call my mum”.

Secondly and apart from the lift to the activity, you talk about your child (teen?) in a very positive way which is great but as early teens/tweens, they all have their moments.. The language sounds quite polarising - queen bee versus sweet unconfident child - yet your daughter wants to stay friends with this other girl so she must have redeeming points. I don’t think it needs to be so polarising between friends.

Thirdly, it all sounds quite competitive which is the easiest way to damage a shy kid’s confidence. You might think that’s coming from school and her friends but it’s all part of an equation - is it a highly pushy school with exams to get in, is it full of alpha parents (and kids), why is there a need to get an edge in an activity outside school? These are complex questions but long-term anxiety in children is rising and a competitive culture is a part of that for sure.

But first things first, just say no!

The more I read the more I recognise the situation.

It’s not your child.

The coach knows Queenbee is awful and is being mean to your child. Tell them you can’t support this and will not be left responsible for that child… then leave.

This child is partly a competitive bully because she has been abandoned by her parents so many times, but you can’t fix that so don’t try.

Teach your daughter about toxic narcissists and that although it is hard she will be better off without Queenbee. Queenbee will get bored and find another victim.

Queenbee is not to be trusted under any circumstance, her one desire is to squash your daughter’s (and others) feelings. Avoid her at all costs. And the awful Mother. Everyone else knows she is awful.

It feels so much better when you are free of these relationships.

There is no dilemma here. You say "no, I won't be able to do that" then stop reading her messages. You absolutely can leave her child with the sports coach - she's not your responsibility. All this wank about queen bee competitiveness is irrelevant. Just say no. Then just walk away. Job done.

Hi OP, I totally get how hard this will be as I have been in similar situations. I think its’s important you distance your child from this frenemy as she will be destroying your child’s self esteem, which can take years to recover from. How old is your daughter? I would talk with your daughter and explain how true friends treat you, for example they aren’t nice to you at a club and then ignore you at school. Explain it’s better to be friends with people who want to be your friend and not only talk to you when it’s convenient to them.

Second step, as you have been asked outright just say ‘So sorry we can’t take X back, we have a commitment after the club this week’. If coach asks then just say, ‘sorry I have already let CF know I couldn’t bring x home this week as we have a commitment’. Do not explain what it is, if asked just say a private appt and move on.

Also, how much time does this add onto your journey home? Is it an extra 20mins or 10mins? I think if it’s around the 20min it’s mark you can validly say ‘I am so sorry taking X back home adds too much time onto our journey and impacts on bedtime etc’.

hope you get it sorted xx

I have been in a similar situation and it does feel difficult as you want to be nice - but these people are awful and being nice won’t help. You will just get used more and more. Next it will be sleepovers and weekend childcare. The favour will never be returned.

I agree with the supporting comments and advice with wording it here. But you do need to say no. Don’t worry about it. You do not want these people in your life. They are hideous. Any snide comments or dirty looks from them are great as it just affirms you did the right thing to say no. Keep firm.

If pushed you can say ‘I have caught awfulchild being very mean to Susie and I can’t allow that situation to continue.’ They can’t really argue that back and it’s true!

I voted YABU because you just need to say no, whether it is to the mum or to the coach.

I agree with other PPs just tell the mum No!!
As for the coach just tell them they are not to put you in that position again regarding this child and their travel arrangements. If it concerns them so much the coach can take the kid home!!

Be an adult. Why are you allowing this woman to treat you like a mug ?

I’d say no and if she pushes I’d tell the mum exactly what I thought of her and her DD. I probably wouldn’t do the latter but I’d be so tempted to do so.

Seems like mother is egging her child on here in all sorts of ways.

This is still a 'just say no' siutation, OP. We don't actually need the back story about how terrible this other girl is, or her mother. They could both be perfectly pleasant and it would still be ok to say no. Another parent has asked you to constantly pick her child up/drop her off, which you don't want to do. Just say no. And if she asks you via the coach, also just say no. In fact, to avoid this, I would email the coach to say that, to avoid any confusion, you're clarifying that you will only be caring for your child; you can't take responsibility for any others, in case any other parents ask it via the coach in future.

I'd tell the coach that you've already told the child's parent that you'll be unable to facilitate lifts either way in future. That way when you say sorry no can do they're forewarned.

Re the queen bee aspect. I think bending to her will hasn't actually helped your daughter so far. So you might as well do what suits your dd. Do it nicely and politely but say no sorry we can't anymore, things have changed.

I've read more about this mother and her daughter and I think what you might need to do is to have a word with the school, in a FYI kind of way that you've found yourself in a situation with this woman and you want them to be on the look out for any backlash that might happen with the daughter while in school to your daughter.
Then I'd let the coach know that you're not going to be able to bring/collect Prudence from crew anymore.
Only when the previous two have been done would I tell the Diva Queen's mother that you're not available to do the collecting/waiting/dropping of Prudence any more.

Please don't try and think up an excuse. She'll get the child to ask yours about the reason you can't drive them, to try and unravel your argument. Just flat no will no nicely.

The sports coach will have a procedure for children who aren't collected. Let them invoke it. And don't apologise to the woman. "No, I'm not able to do that. I'll let the coach know you're struggling to collect" and block the number.

Stop thinking about backlash , your daughter is being abused by this child and if it isn’t over this it will be something else. Make school very aware that it’s bullying by stealth . Also tell the coach as mrs queen bee will be straight over to whine your scarpering her daughters chances . Do not keep this a dark secret, shine a light .

No, she doesn't 'invent something'. She says a resounding NO.

Why can’t you say no?

I like this - courteous but firm. Not apologising, not over-explaining, just explaining the situation in a way which doesn't inflame emotions. (Or at least wouldn't with a reasonable person, but by definition, this woman isn't reasonable, so OP would have to expect a bit of flack)

Send this OP and then stick to your guns.

Edit for spelling

Id nip it in the bud now . Message and say

"Hi I know I've helped out dropping dd off etc when you are stuck. It's become more regular so felt it fair to let you know It's not feasible for me to continue due to other commitments. I thought it better to say in advance to give you chance to make other arrangements."

Then every time say No. she will stop asking.

Yes you can! The Coach can drop her off or they can pay for a taxi, uber.
And if they they trip and guilt trip you say your a £100 a trip- enough to cover that class and help buy any equipment required or just something for your child.

Infact, say a bill now and say they agreed to it already. And if they say no. Say 'fine but I hope you can understand unless you pay your bill I will not pick/drop off your child again'

@Blondeandbeautifullol - you wrote "What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them"
Reply "Hi CF parents, I'm no longer available to drop/collect/wait for Tommy at <insert sport training here> going forwards. Please make alternative arrangements going forwards. All the best, blondeandbeautifullol."

Keep it clear, concise and don't bring any flowery language into it. They have decided that Tommy wants to learn whatever sport, they can do the taxi service for that.

If they reply with anything other than an "Ok then" you simply repeat that you are no longer available to attend to their child (stating the bleeding obvious but that's their job) and they need to make alternative arrangements.

Oh, and don't apologise for this. You've done nothing wrong here.

Don’t say sorry unless you have actually done something wrong. It immediately puts you on the back foot. You’re not sorry - you’re (rightfully) enforcing your boundary. You don’t need to apologise for that. Just block her and tell the coach to reply that you’re not available for lifts every time CF messages.

My DC used to go to a local private small town school and the school gate mums were absolutely horrific. There is no match for these mums competitively. I've had mums complain when mine won a trophy for science, got picked for a team, or picked for a play. There is one DC who is rubbish at sport, and got bumped off for a really talented new child. His mum complained and now they share the position and lose matches.

Over the years I have realised that school gate mums are not where you should make your friends. I had counselling for anxiety a few years back and the counsellor said to avoid at all costs. As a result I did drop offs when I knew there would only be few there, as in drop off early, and my DC went to late stay till 4pm when I only saw other avoiders. Be busy. Can't stop, late for dentist.

I have cultivated interests and other hobbies for my DC outside of school. I know you have done this, and this is a problem now, but my advice to you would be to do other hobbies and interests with your DC as well, to make new friends and build your DC's confidence outside of school and TELL NO ONE. My DC made a lot of friends doing music and drama out of school.

It is all very well telling you to say NO to this woman, but it can be hard to do this at school if they are a Queen Bee, or have a little clique, or their DC is a bully or popular. You feel paranoid, anxious, and you don't want it taken out on your DC. I understand.

All I can suggest is to avoid the school gate, do other hobbies as well BUT TELL NO ONE, and ask your school if they can be in a different class next year to minimise contact with Mini Queen Bee. I'd ask your DH to take your DC for a few weeks to break the cycle and say, "Oh no. I can't do this for a while as my relative needs help and DH says he can't help out sorry. He'll forget". Blame the man.