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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to run around after another's child?

533 replies

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 16/04/2024 21:06

Your excuse could be something like drumming or violin lessons: "DD practises all the time at home, we are hoping she'll be picked for the orchestra" and hope they copy that.

Maybe bagpipes?

Ellie56 · 16/04/2024 21:02

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them.

How did this obnoxious woman even get your phone number? just block the CF.

The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position.

So stop enabling her!

now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back.

No you don't.

This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking.

This should be the main reason for you to stop this nonsense. Stop inflicting this insufferable child onto your poor daughter. Like PP said what if this continues and your daughter loses her place in the team to mini CF because you keep facilitating her attendance at the special coaching?

Show your daughter how to stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of.

You can do it. @Blondeandbeautifullol Good luck. Flowers

hottchocolatte · 16/04/2024 20:59

Next time you see her say "what time will you be picking Tim up? I think it's your turn"

She thinks her time is more important than yours OP

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2024 20:59

Think about the message your daughter is getting. Someone can be mean to you and you still do nice things for them.

Fuck that.

starfishmummy · 16/04/2024 20:56

You say no. Do not explain or make up excuses. Tell the organisers that you are not responsible for this other child and that if the Mum asks then to get you to take the child home, that the answer will be no.

pictoosh · 16/04/2024 20:55

BestZebbie · 16/04/2024 20:17

Ignore the messages. If you still then get stuck because the coach pressures you, text the mum apologising that you had planned to do the family shop on the way home so you can only get her DD back to her an hour later after having gone very slowly around Tesco. Do this 2 out of 3 times (not every time in case CF mum takes on overtime or starts to enjoy her hour sit-down) Eventually her DD will pressure her to stop too.

You've never encountered anyone like the CF here have you?
She would be delighted to have the extra time.

But more importantly than that...are you really suggesting that OP take a needless long trawl around Tesco (and more than once) to obliquely solve this?
Extra time in the supermarket?
What?

Datafan55 · 16/04/2024 20:54

WoolyMammoth55 · 16/04/2024 18:29

"I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!"

Hi OP, I do understand that you've been taken by surprise previously and felt on the spot so you couldn't say no.

Right now, the thing to do is to send a text message to the CF mum saying: "I have been hugely inconvenienced a couple of times now by you asking me to drop your child home at short notice. I won't be able to do this again and wanted you to know this now so that you won't ask again. Please ensure that there's some alternative emergency provision in place. If I'm put in the position of being asked again I'll have no choice but to say no, and that might distress your child. Thank you."

And for good measure send a similar one to the coach, saying: "I have been hugely inconvenienced a couple of times now by CF mum asking me, via message to you, to drop her child at short notice. I won't be able to do this again and wanted you to know this now so that you won't ask me again. I really don't want to be put in an awkward situation again, please. I have messaged CF mum directly to advise her of this. Thank you."

CF mum might reply protesting but if you ignore her then there's nothing she can do. Best of luck!

You're getting a lot of slack for being caught on the back foot and not wanting to abandon a child, but agree with this. Do it and then stick to it.

Original poster
Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 20:52

@Wooloohooloo no, coxing

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 16/04/2024 20:52

You don't have to do any of this.

TequilaNights · 16/04/2024 20:51

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 17:35

I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!

Let the coach know that you are not able to drop the child home in future and should not entertain her parents request as it's putting you in an awkward position.

Absolute CF.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 16/04/2024 20:46

Another day another doormat.

You can leave a child there that isn't yours that you haven't arranged to take home. Lie, say you're not going home, and tell the mother you're not picking and dropping her kid, hers and yours are not friends and as you're not friends with her, just tell her it's out of your way and inconvenient.

You allow this child to pick on yours and now you're allowing the mother to pick on you. Grow a spine.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2024 20:44

Stop being a doormat. Tell the mum that it isn’t convenient and you will not be taking X to or from as of immediately. If that doesn’t work for her, she’ll have to find another way to ensure her dd gets there and back. Tough.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 16/04/2024 20:43

Agree with others, tell both mum and coach that you’re not doing it as it doesn’t work for you. Liability for child abandonment falls on her, not on you. If coach can’t get hold of her then I imagine it’ll only happen the one before they take action.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 16/04/2024 20:41

BestZebbie · 16/04/2024 20:17

Ignore the messages. If you still then get stuck because the coach pressures you, text the mum apologising that you had planned to do the family shop on the way home so you can only get her DD back to her an hour later after having gone very slowly around Tesco. Do this 2 out of 3 times (not every time in case CF mum takes on overtime or starts to enjoy her hour sit-down) Eventually her DD will pressure her to stop too.

Don’t do this, the mum would absolutely love even more hours of free babysitting.

Disasterclass · 16/04/2024 20:41

She's probably telling the coach that you're fine with it. You need to say to the coach every time that you haven't made an agreement with the mum and can't take her. This makes it the coaches problem and they'll get sick of it and tell the mum what's what.

Mnk711 · 16/04/2024 20:38

ZekeZeke · 16/04/2024 20:33

Are you on drugs?
The CF would probably be delighted to get rid of her DD for an extra 2 hours pw

Show quote history

@BestZebbie lol if the mother is already pawning off her kid she'd surely love extra free time?

Mnk711 · 16/04/2024 20:37

Agree with others, very si.ple, just say no. You can have a prior engagement you have to attend every week now (meal out with DD? ). In any case agree if the coach asks you to take child home you just say you're so sorry but you can't, and shitty mother will gave to get on with it.

ZekeZeke · 16/04/2024 20:33

BestZebbie · 16/04/2024 20:17

Ignore the messages. If you still then get stuck because the coach pressures you, text the mum apologising that you had planned to do the family shop on the way home so you can only get her DD back to her an hour later after having gone very slowly around Tesco. Do this 2 out of 3 times (not every time in case CF mum takes on overtime or starts to enjoy her hour sit-down) Eventually her DD will pressure her to stop too.

Are you on drugs?
The CF would probably be delighted to get rid of her DD for an extra 2 hours pw

Apollo365 · 16/04/2024 20:33

YABU to do this, how ridiculous. No no no no nooooo

ClairDeLaLune · 16/04/2024 20:31

Also YABU for using the ridiculous term “frenemy”.

ClairDeLaLune · 16/04/2024 20:30

Voted YABU because nobody is this wet surely? Just say no, this doesn’t work for us.

Wooloohooloo · 16/04/2024 20:25

Just say no. Is it for a goalkeeper position in football?

BestZebbie · 16/04/2024 20:17

Ignore the messages. If you still then get stuck because the coach pressures you, text the mum apologising that you had planned to do the family shop on the way home so you can only get her DD back to her an hour later after having gone very slowly around Tesco. Do this 2 out of 3 times (not every time in case CF mum takes on overtime or starts to enjoy her hour sit-down) Eventually her DD will pressure her to stop too.

Lotsofsnacks · 16/04/2024 20:17

Lavenderandbrown · 16/04/2024 19:56

@Treetertop and I are thinking the same….based on your op I do think the dynamics of copycatting the training and potential for trying out for same team position is worrisome to you so imagine in a not very distant future cheeky’sdaughter does in fact beat your child out of top ranking in the position. Imagine your daughter doesn’t even make the team because cheekydaughter has really excelled in these specialists classes…you know the very class you drove her to and from!! How will you feel then? No that doesn’t work for us anymore….just say it via phone or text. And going against the grain I wouldnt say anything peremptory to the coach it somehow implies you are responsible for the child. If asked by special coach say oh I let her mother know I am not available for rides. It’s no coincidence she’s also manipulating you via the coach.

She signed her kid up for the training, so if she was busy working, and hasn’t got someone to collect her, then that’s her problem. Do not engage!!! The answer is no, every time. I would not want a girl who says unkind things to mine, in my car anyway, tbh. You need to be strong OP, and say to the coach, you can’t drop off the kid, if the mother rings, it’s on the coach then (and I can’t see them putting up with the mother rocking up late all the time)

EternalSunshine19 · 16/04/2024 20:01

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2024 16:33

now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back.

No, you most certainly do not. You don't have to do anything, and this is a problem entirely of your own making.

All you have to say is that you will not be providing rides because it's not convenient. No debate necessary and the mother doesn't have to like it.

I agree with this. Just say its not convenient