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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to run around after another's child?

533 replies

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

OP posts:
nadine90 · 16/04/2024 21:41

How old are the kids? If primary school aged, there must be an adult home when you drop them off? If older, can’t they make their own way?
CF, just say no sorry, can’t tonight. Do not explain. If the coach asks, same answer. Leave it to mum to sort out (hopefully be told off or fined) with the coach.

ZenNudist · 16/04/2024 21:40

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 17:35

I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!

This is silly. Tell the mum you will not be driving 4 miles out of the way any more and to stop being so cheeky expecting you to do all the running around whilst she does nothing.

Tell her you will not be taking her dd there and back. Tell the dd the same. Tell the coach that you are not providing lifts as it's totally one sided, expected, inconvenient and rude. Block her. Then leave the girl if it's foisted on you again. You will have warmed everyone that you ate fed up of being taken for a mug and it's not even on your way home. If you keep doing it you will have to keep doing it. Lead her once and she will never do it again.

This woman is relying on you being a doormat and the dd is going to have your dds place on the rowing team if you keep letting her walk all over you.

Pinkyhere · 16/04/2024 21:40

Hi Jennifer,
I wanted to let you know that I can not take or collect Nancy to training. Please make other travel arrangements for her. Thank you for understanding.

If there is follow up, keep it brief. It doesn't suit my other arrangements etc.
And if pushed I would tell her straight that the girls don't get on and you are not responsible for her scheduling issues.
Turn off your phone during the training sessions if nec to avoid a last minute emergency.
She's a cf of the highest order

Original poster
Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 21:40

@Finewine76 interesting thought. It's the backlash from her queen bee daughter (she's also alpha mum) at school

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 16/04/2024 21:39

How far away is the activity? If you got a message to collect her at the beginning of the activity, would you have time to take the other child home straight away & then get back for your dd? Using the excuse that you have another appt to go to after the session. I doubt she’d ask you again if it meant her daughter missing the training.

Alternatively, could you have a word with the coach and tell them that you will not be taking the child again, so if it happens in future she will be their responsibility until the parents turn up?

Finewine76 · 16/04/2024 21:39

What advice would you give your daughter in this position

fromaytobe · 16/04/2024 21:38

You need to make it clear to the parent and the coach that you will not be taking any responsibility for this child. Chances are high the coach will understand.

The coach certainly will understand the position very clearly. They will have a child protection / safeguarding policy to follow, and they shouldn't be allowing the child to be taken away at the end of training by an unauthorised person. Therefore it appears that this CF parent has authorised you as her responsible adult, and that you have agreed to it.

Tell the coach that you will not be giving lifts to this child. Un-authorise yourself.

Original poster
Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 21:37

@Concannon88 yes I am peeved. I put my child in this to 1) help her make friends outside of school. This was because this other girl has always suckered my child in and then stamps on her. I wanted her to do something just for her. 2)My child got picked for the school team, hers didn't and her daughter felt very angry mine got picked for a regatta. The mother then discovered via another parent mine was picked as they have coaching from an ex pro at a club. When the mother discovered this she even said "well my daughter only needs to be better than hers". It's the intent just to outdo my child that upset me and then she has tge audacity to expect me to facilitate it! Her daughter is very much the class queen bee. I'm worried if I upset the other child the backlash on mine will happen. So yes, I am peeved. It was to build my daughters confidence because it has been chipped away by her child. She will make it work as her desperation for her child to outdo mine is really what grates me most tbh.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 16/04/2024 21:37

Op
A nice breezy text to say to her just to let know we have bother commitment now on Wednesday night straight after class so won't be able to bring x home . Just wanted to give you plenty of time to organise yourself

Flavabobble · 16/04/2024 21:36

I obviously can't abandon a child there.
Yes you can. It's not your child, you don't bear any responsibility here. You say no/it's not convenient/you're going elsewhere if you need to. But you say NO.

Flavabobble · 16/04/2024 21:33

now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back
No you don't.

user1471556818 · 16/04/2024 21:30

Crikey just don't do it .say no value your child

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 16/04/2024 21:30

I would leave the child there is it wasn’t pre arranged that I was picking her up. It’s not your issue it will be the parent and the coach to sort out. Just say that you are not going straight home afterwards so can’t take her. She’s what we call a pushy sports mum, her kid probably has no talent but will progress is said sport due to the pushiness of her mum. Don’t let that happen at the detriment to your kid.

Thickandquick · 16/04/2024 21:28

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 17:35

I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!

Yes you can leave the child there as she isn't your responsibility. Grow a backbone.

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/04/2024 21:26

now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back

No you don't....

'really sorry, I have to dash tonight so I can't drop off/wait/drop off, hope you get sorted'

Akamai · 16/04/2024 21:20

FFS woman up and advocate for your child.

Just text her and say you will no longer be able to help.

peachesarenom · 16/04/2024 21:19

To be honest I feel embarrassed for you! How on Earth can you let this happen to your child?!?!?

Tell her where to go! If she messages the coach then tell the coach no can do, the coach won't let her kid attend ever again, job done!

JudgeJ · 16/04/2024 21:19

LittleRedYarny · 16/04/2024 16:30

I’d invent something you had to do on way to and from training (pop in and check on elderly relative or something) so that it would be inconvenient to act as taxi for her child. Or buy a 2 seater sports car so no room for additional child.

Or like Zammo just say NO! :)

Edited

Why do people almost always suggest making up some excuse when in reality saying No suffices?

Concannon88 · 16/04/2024 21:19

You seem really peeved that another child is doing the same thing as your child. You know you didn't invent it right? You're big enough on here with your opinion, just say that to her face and job done.

Nutsabouttopic · 16/04/2024 21:17

I voted YABU because you are not putting your own child first. She's not nice to your child but you keep letting her in the car. I was a people pleaser until realisation hit me over the head. That mother doesn't give a damn about you or your child. She would climb on both of your shoulders to get her child ahead of yours. Take a leaf our of her book and put you and yours first. Next time she messages to ask you to collect just say "No it doesn't suit me and it won't suit going forward". Do not say sorry. You have no need to be sorry you do not owe her anything. As a reformed people pleaser I know its difficult but it is so satisfying. Prepare your dd to have her answers ready in school. Hope your dd continues to enjoy her sport

Saz12 · 16/04/2024 21:17

If CF falls out with you, what have you actually lost?

Someone who says "my career is v important so I cant collect DC, you'll just need to do it" isnt someone you want in your life.

Say clearly "I want to let you know that I wont be able to give CF DC a lift or wait with her anymore. Best wishes OP". If she asks why, tell her "We're really busy with other things" or "I dont want to be going out of my way, particularly as its been every week, always at the last minute, never reciprocated, and DC dont seem to be get on so well anyway".

FairFuming · 16/04/2024 21:14

I thought it might be rowing related.
My brother used to coach for the kids section of our rowing club and my god some of the parents were awful. Lots of bratty entitlement but some just plain rude or CF parents. I helped organise and prepare things for the fundraisers sometimes and during one these a parent breezily told me I'd need to drop their little darling home as she had more important plans, she didn't even ask and was of course offended when I told her that I wouldn't be doing any such thing.
You need to make it clear to the parent and the coach that you will not be taking any responsibility for this child. Chances are high the coach will understand.

BingoMarieHeeler · 16/04/2024 21:09

Just say you’re going on somewhere afterwards and coming straight from somewhere else.

Hippee · 16/04/2024 21:08

Once could have been an emergency, four times has shown both you and the coach that there is no emergency, just calculated cheekyfuckery. Should be easy to tell the coach that they must not involve you in future.

I had a similar frenemy at junior school (disagree with pp who objects to this word - sometimes enforced socialising with another child creates exactly that dynamic) - everything was a competition with her mum. She loved it when her DD was better than me (a lot) and used to ask my mum what she was getting me for my (January) birthday, then buy it for hers for Christmas, so she had it first (happened twice before we twigged and stopped telling her). Luckily it was a tortoise and hare situation and I came out doing far better in the end.

RawBloomers · 16/04/2024 21:07

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 17:35

I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!

Of course you can. You just message back - Sorry, no can do. You’ll have to find someone else.

And you say the same to the coach - Sorry, I can’t take her today.

And then you leave it up to them to sort out because it is nothing to do with you.