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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be expected to run around after another's child?

533 replies

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 16:23

Hi, my child has specialist sports coaching outside of school. One of his frenemies parents discovered this and has decided their child should do it too as their child was upset mine got a place on the sports team. They felt if their child had coaching in this particular sports position, their child only needs to compete with mine for a position on the school team. Every Thursday evening, my child goes to this coaching as does her frenemy who is really only doing it because her mother is pushing her to do it - she even said "if you train in a special position you'll be more likely picked ".

What's upset me is every Thursday, I now get messages to drop/collect/wait with her child as this Thursday evening club is not convenient for them. The fact her child is only doing this sports thing is to spite mine and take their team position, now I have to drive 4 miles out my way to drop them back. This child is not always kind to my daughter and I feel the mother has a bloody cheek keep asking. How do I get to be there, watch and collect my child after having declined to drop off, watch and collect hers every week? She said she'd be able to at a push if my child isn't going but her career is very important. I want to say "so you're competing with my child as everything mine does yours has to have with a cherry on top. In the process you expect me to enable this by taking/watching/dropping off yours?" Aibu? How do I make her take responsibility for her own kid when I have to see her at school and my child is on off friends with hers?

OP posts:
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Bellaboo01 · 14/05/2024 17:55

Riverlee · 14/05/2024 11:28

Op isn’t abandoning the child, her parent is.

I didnt say that the OP was abandoning the child.

Clearly if the child is being left and not being picked up then they should be reported and also the person that runs the club must have procedures in place to deal with something like this.

I was meaning that no adult should turn a blind eye to neglect of a child. It is therefore any Adult who is privy to anything like this to address it.

You should - speak to the person who is running the club and then speak to the school to explain the situation.

Penguinfeet24 · 14/05/2024 11:52

'No sorry, that doesn't work for me.' That's it, that's all you need to say. If you're questioned as to why you say you do not need to explain your life and choices to other people.

SlenderRations · 14/05/2024 11:51

Blondeandbeautifullol · 20/04/2024 12:14

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

Do you realise that by doing that you were reinforcing the impression it was your responsibly to collect the girl? Sounds as though you were asking for a day off....

From your responses, I suspect you a rent going to take the excellent and much repeated advise on here to clearly and calmly massage her saying that you can't do any drips of picks ups in future.

I wonder why?

Riverlee · 14/05/2024 11:28

Op isn’t abandoning the child, her parent is.

Bellaboo01 · 14/05/2024 11:14

spanieleyes22 · 13/05/2024 20:59

Er you can abandon the child there she's not your responsibility!

of course no adult should abandon a child because of their parents hideous lack of parenting!

The person/company who is running the club should have a safe-guarding procedure.

spanieleyes22 · 13/05/2024 20:59

Blondeandbeautifullol · 16/04/2024 17:35

I totally agree with the just say no replies. However, this is the first time I've been asked up front. On 4 prior occasions I've just been called or messaged during the sports class directly, or when i ignored it via the coach there that she's unable to collect her daughter now so can I bring them home. I obviously can't abandon a child there. But it's every week!

Er you can abandon the child there she's not your responsibility!

Definitelynotagladiator · 13/05/2024 20:44

Hi OP, did she ask again? How’s your daughter getting on?

Goodtogossip · 30/04/2024 11:37

Hi XXX Sorry but from this week giving your DD a lift there & back to practice is no longer possible. Hope you get something else sorted.

You don't have to give any reasons & if she asks just repeat it's not convenient anymore as you have other plans before & after.

She's a CF & using you.

ZekeZeke · 27/04/2024 22:06

Please update us OP

Hippee · 27/04/2024 17:37

How did it go this week?

Exasperatednow · 21/04/2024 17:22

chaosmaker · 21/04/2024 16:50

Why don't you just ask her to take your child every week and when she obs says she can't, then you can take yours in peace.

Of you really don't want to tell her you're not taking her daughter, do this.

chaosmaker · 21/04/2024 16:50

Why don't you just ask her to take your child every week and when she obs says she can't, then you can take yours in peace.

Weedoormatnomore · 21/04/2024 13:52

Great now you know how to reply to her in future just do the same and ignore her back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2024 01:40

AGoingConcern · 17/04/2024 21:45

This is an opportunity to set an example for your daughter to stop rolling over for bullies and accepting one-way relationships with "frenemies" who just use you when its convenient for them.

Do your best to take all the resentment & anger out of it. Tomorrow evening, text the mother "Hi [mother], I wanted to let you know in advance that we will no longer be able to give [daughter] a ride to or from [activity] on Thursdays. I'll be letting [coach] know today as well so there's no confusion. Have a good week." Then tell the coach (and cc any relavant office people) the same.

If she asks, or if the coach asks, be matter-of-fact about it. "No, as I told [mother], we won't be able to do that anymore." If they press, act a little taken aback "Surely [mother] wasn't relying on me after I so clearly said I would not be doing that. How strange. But as I said..."

Ok so she hasn’t answered. Now you really have got enough information that she doesn’t care about your dd. She’s bullying her in fact. Please do this. Your poor dd doesn’t have a clue what’s happening by the sound of it and it’s your job to teach her how to be a future adult. That means dealing with some uncomfortable situations.

Factsareimportantplease · 20/04/2024 18:28

Blondeandbeautifullol · 20/04/2024 12:14

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

Further proves she doesn't care about you or your daughter. She's just using you.

ZekeZeke · 20/04/2024 16:21

That was your opportunity to tell her :
Hi CF, I can no longer take/collect mini CF from x activity. You need to make alternative arrangements

Oh, and stop apologising, you have no reason to say sorry!

RecklessGoddess · 20/04/2024 16:19

If she messages you about taking her child again, do the same to her by ignoring her back. Tell the coach that you are no longer bringing her or taking her home, and that if she tells them you are she's wrong, because you can't do it anymore!

Shinyandnew1 · 20/04/2024 14:25

Blondeandbeautifullol · 20/04/2024 12:14

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

So she did ask you again this week?

Is she asking to to go to her house, collect her daughter/stay at the club and bring her home again afterwards?

Beautiful3 · 20/04/2024 13:49

Remember her lack of care for yours from now on. If the trainer gets a message to take hers home, preempt it by telling her no, sorry I can't.

VJBR · 20/04/2024 12:17

Blondeandbeautifullol · 20/04/2024 12:14

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

Remember this next time she asks. Just say 'sorry, no can do' and hopefully she won't even ask why.

Blondeandbeautifullol · 20/04/2024 12:14

@Shinyandnew1 mine didn't go this week as she'd got a assignment to do and got all fraught. I did message back thought "sorry not going this week" no reply to that. Not even "can I help or everything ok"? No idea if hers went then.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/04/2024 10:08

What happened on Thursday @Blondeandbeautifullol ?

RampantIvy · 19/04/2024 18:20

worriedaboutthefuturenow · 19/04/2024 18:18

This. Why do some people not see this ? sometimes a little white lie is better than being outright combative. She will get the message without bludgeoning it on her head and said silly bit@ch cant bitch about it to everyone if she hasn't actually been nasty.

I totally agree with this.

worriedaboutthefuturenow · 19/04/2024 18:18

Irishmama100 · 16/04/2024 22:51

Think people are being really hard on this poor woman. If she did a right out F@ck off and sort your own child you silly bit@h then it could have repercussions on her poor child at school. This woman would tell town and country how mean she was. I would manage this with you permanently going somewhere else after and can’t take her child home. End of and no offence caused. Unfortunately life is politics people. When my kids were this age I kept their friends close and their enemies closer 😝

This. Why do some people not see this ? sometimes a little white lie is better than being outright combative. She will get the message without bludgeoning it on her head and said silly bit@ch cant bitch about it to everyone if she hasn't actually been nasty.

SameAsItEverWas24 · 19/04/2024 17:32

There are some good books to help parents help their kids make better friends. Friends Forever / The Unwritten Rules of Friendship / kid confidence. Look them up