Not sure if the title gives weight to the hurt I am feeling at the moment.
It's a long one but background is needed.
My husband is the type of chap who wants to be liked by everyone, loves being the centre of attention, is sometimes the village idiot not in a malicious way. He wants to be the comedian of the group and doesn't understand that his actions and his words can have real time consequences.
He's also a bit of a chameleon, by that I mean he mirrors other people.
For example, I know if he's been speaking to a certain friend as he starts speaking like this friend with a cockney accent. Another of his friends has a big booming voice, again he mimics this. Not intentionally or knowingly, maybe it's some kind of protection that if I'm like you, you will like me.
I dunno!
With that said, he's a good kind man and doesn't set out to cause upset.
He's not an alpha by any standards and hates confrontation, and this is part of the pain and upset I am feeling these last few days.
I on the other hand trade highly on showing respect to others and will not standby and listen to anyone being disrespected whether it's said in a jokey fashion or with malicious intent. I will stand up for myself and my own ground when it's called.
A few years ago, a friend of H made a comment about did I like H new beard.
I said yes, he response "you must have a shaved pussy then" laughed then grabbed me by my waist and swung me around. I went absolutely bat shit crazy, my husband said nothing!
The above caused a load of arguments, H said he won't stop being this friend.
I honestly couldn't understand why he would make excuses "Oh that's just the way he is, he's a bit smutty".
In my world there is no excuse, totally out of order, it's creepy as fuck and rapey.
I said this man is a wrongun and after a few heated arguments, H relented, had a word with this man and I was sent a long written apology that I neither read or accepted.
Turns out this man, even though married had been stalking and harassing a female neighbor, throwing bricks at her young teenage daughters window. Set fire to her garden and served 6 months inside for this behavior.
I said then, that H really needs to revalue the company he keeps, that he has a few questionable so called friends and this chap isn't the only friend whose beyond awful.
Another friend of H with his wife, went into a tirade about another mans wife calling her a Fing C, how much he hated her, it was just awful especially as this was the 1st time I had met them. I didn't want to stay any longer in their company so I made an excuse so we could leave. Then the next thing I know, we are invited to this lady's house. And here's this man, eating the food she cooked, sitting at he table she shares with her family, he and his wife even stayed the night. Like WTAF. The woman who was hosting believes this couple to be really good friends of hers.
I said to H, clearly enough for this man and his wife to hear, his past behavior is really out of order and he needs to pull him up about it. He response was to make a joke and say "that's just him, he always speaks like that". I called a cab, I was so angry. Again, another argument about how it's not cool, he's not cool and these so called friends are a reflection of him.
Pffffffffffffffffffffffff
A few weeks ago, the Saturday before mothering Sunday to be exact. H went to the football, was in the company of a few football people he previously said he didn't like and got blindly drunk.
He was disgusting, I've never seen drunk anything like this before and neither do I want to again. As I tried to get him onto the couch, he fell off, nearly smashing his head against a glass table. As I bent to help him up H grabbed my breast and bit it.
I have no words to how I felt and was deeply upset.
In the morning, he had no recollection, was incredibly remorseful when I told him what he done. He was read the riot act by me, I had hoped he understood he sexually assaulted me.
I told him once again he needs to revalue the company he is keeping as the why did he hang out with this group, he doesn't even like and why did he drink so much, he had no answers.
Anyhow, it's only now I am beginning to reconcile what he did as it still haunts me.
This last weekend, we hired a house & went away with 4 other couples.
All the boys where in the games room, and for some reason he told them all about that weekend, what a prick he had been and how he bit my breast. That his only saving grace was my Mother was coming up and that gave him some respite.
I have No idea! why he thought this was a good time to share such a story, or why he thought it was share worthy. I would have hoped that he would have been so remorseful and too embarrassed to ever say this out loud. I just don't honestly get it.
A couple of hours later we are all having a laugh, I have no idea this conversation took place. Until one of the chaps turns to my husband, laughing and say's "have another bite of the tit" and makes a biting gesture with his mouth.
I hit the roof and went mental, absolutely mental at the disrespect and another rapey comment.
My husband said nothing, not even a mate, wtf don't speak to my wife like that.
He said, it all happened so quickly he froze and didn't know what to do.
That he was shocked at how angry I had become.
Anyhow, people soon scurried off, I've hit the roof. The offender tried to apologies, and I said I don't do apologies and I don't do forgiveness for such behavior.
The following morning, I got up to leave it was early, H wanted to leave with me and told me to keep quite as others where asleep.
Who the fuck, says that to someone whose raging, so I made it my business very loudly and very clearly to let everyone whose to freighted to come out of their rooms known exactly what I was feeling and thinking. That's he's a prick, he's mates a prick, that he assaulted me that night, that's if he's going to talk about then he should use the correct words, that I did not consent for him to tell his mates, he's friend thought if was acceptable to make a rapey joke about it. That I deserve better.
Fast forward to today, H is feeling incredibly sorry for himself, sleeping in the spare room, wall of silence etc. I've told him how I feel, that's he's not the man I thought he was and if he really cared as much as he says he does. He would never have shown such disrespect or let his friend speak about me and in front of me in such a way.
Whilst my anger is now sub-siding from what it was and sadness is now sweeping in. I don't think I can get past this.
He's sworn he will get it sorted, speak to his friend and will make it up, win my trust back, blah blah blah. But I just don't think this is possible as I'm not sure how he can correct his actions and believe his words said must of been in a tone that allowed his friend to think his comment was permissible.
I will add we are both in our early 50's, so no excuse for being a young man who doesn't know better. This is both our second marriages, we've been together for 9 years, my first husband was abusive in both words and fists, the stress of this marriage left me in hospital with a serious illness.
Maybe because of my past I'm more sensitive as well as more aware of the actions of some men and therfor more on my guard.
But I just don't see how how I can navigate the above. Prior to this, we had been in a really good place, our relationships was very loving and couldn't have been better.
He swears he didn't tell the story to make a joke out of it, that he didn't think it would cause me so much upset.
There is obviously a pattern here, and AIBU for not personally not wanting to wait around for a next time?
Thanks for readying, I know it's a bit long winded x