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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don’t want to relocate

93 replies

Supermomma17 · 16/04/2024 14:14

Hi,

my husband and I are have different opinions on this and I’m seeking others who perhaps been in the same situation.

he want to move us from Scotland to West Yorkshire and I’m said I will consider it which I will do and have been doing for weeks now but there is absolutely nothing there that makes me want to give up our lives and jobs here to live there. I’ve made a list of pros and cons and the cons for me are far outweighing the pros. For him the pros outweigh the cons but he’s looking at it from an emotional point of view not practical.

the reason he want to go is support woyh our 3 children which we don’t have here.. not consistent enough anyway ( ie help after school, in the mornings. When kids are sick etc when we need to work) his mum could provide that for us.

all his friends have lives and I think from an emotional point of view he thinks that will pick up where he left off 12 years ago but going from my experience of becoming a mum with all the good will in the world friendships are hard when you all have kids different ages and live in different places, life gets busy! I don’t think we will have the social network he thinks we will have.

which brings me to my side of things! I love where we live: I’m happy all be it lack of support for kids but he does put a lot of barriers in place re leaving them with people. 2 of the have additional needs so they are hard work but they are settled here, have friends and clubs and don’t cope with transitions well. We have special base placements for one already and the other is on the process of trying to get that. We have medication for them which our gp writes prescriptions for so we don’t need to pay privately for them. I’m scared to move them for the lack of asd /adhd support in England or so I’ve been researching/seeing!
also the area in which his mum lives just isn’t for me.. call me snobby, call me whatever you want but the area is grim. To make this work we need to be close enough for her to help and I get depressed just visiting the area.. the nicer parts are usually little villages which I just can’t live in. We live in a big town with nice amenities and a huge network of local facilities. The thought of village life isn’t for me at all. we have a beautiful home, in a beautiful safe , small quiet estate. I’ve been searching for properties for a month or so now and nothing is jumping out at me.. housing is more expensive and smaller or same size as we already have so we will need to up our mortgage to buy a bigger property. Again the thought of increasing our living costs just now to gain the same standard of home as we are in just now is filling me with dread. I know I’m looking for reasons not to move and I suspect there are issues here other than moving.. ie loss of control etc but in truth I don’t want to move! I’m willing to consider its which I feel I have and for me it’s made me clearer I don’t want to do this. To leave all our lives, jobs, schools etc to relocate with very little security in that being a good thing for us. I’d rather struggle with the kids then downgrade our lives for a bit of help.. I mean the kids will grow out of this stage! We’ve worked so hard to provide a good life for our kids to throw it’s away and move to a place I’m unhappy in… the cost of moving would be unrealistic to easily move home. Renting is impossible due to the kids school, it would tie us to that catchment area or not far out to find a property we love and I’m aware the house for me has to be better than what we have.
am I being totally unreasonable coz I’m putting barriers in the way? Has anyone been int he same situation where you both have differing opinions on moving? How will we even agree on this ?

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 20/04/2024 07:10

@Supermomma17 I'm not reading it as his happiness or yours. I'm reading it as his happiness or the kids.

Original poster
Supermomma17 · 20/04/2024 07:07

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 20/04/2024 06:44

It's the schools that seal it fir me. Finding a good Sen school that works for you child is like gold dust. There's no guarantee you will get a place similar if you move. Not all cahms work with Sen kids (ours doesn't and we are in Yorkshire) and you are right there's no guarantee meds will cont.

That's a lot to risk for a bit of babysitting.

Can you encourage your dh to make friends locally.

Once or twice a year could you visit his family and during the visit leave kids with his mum and sneak a night away. ?

Yes this is the only reason. That and stress.. he said the stress is killing us/him. Tbh his mental health has never been great. He doesn’t want to do anti anxiety pills though, there is also a good chance he is adhd/asd himself so he’s never really made any friends here in 10 years. He is pretty much a one man band. He has a handful of friends down there but tbh he could go down there whenever he wanted but doesn’t, I’m not soooing him going for a weekend or having his mates up here for a weekend. He thinks when we get a break from the kids our mental health is better and we are less stressed as are all parents. His mum takes them whenever we need her too though she is good. He thinks that by moving she would have them more snd wed get a regular break but my need to feel secure and be around people would suffer if we moved too… so I feel at least one of us is gonna end up mentally suffering. I’ve done my travelling, I did it before kids and settling to a new city took me 6 months plus before I started to feel ok and that me a single woman. I can’t see moving being less stressful at all.. infact quite the opposite. Both of us are Min wage workers so to be mortgage free in a beautiful home and area we are extreamly lucky.. to want to take that away and put us into a mortgage in a shite house in the middle of nowhere to have additional costs like travel etc is bananas to me. Maybe one of us was a high earner and could support the family until the other found work, or had a really good job to move to but to move for min wage jobs and both of us to have to go find work there is not making sence to me. But it boils down to his happiness or mine. He thinks the kids will be happier with grandparent support

OP posts:
ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 20/04/2024 06:44

It's the schools that seal it fir me. Finding a good Sen school that works for you child is like gold dust. There's no guarantee you will get a place similar if you move. Not all cahms work with Sen kids (ours doesn't and we are in Yorkshire) and you are right there's no guarantee meds will cont.

That's a lot to risk for a bit of babysitting.

Can you encourage your dh to make friends locally.

Once or twice a year could you visit his family and during the visit leave kids with his mum and sneak a night away. ?

whoamI00 · 20/04/2024 06:09

Is the support the only reason why he wants to move there? Is he ok? It's time to check his mental well-being I think.

permanently · 20/04/2024 04:01

OP my husband was miserable living in a suburb in Scotland and desperately wanted to return to where he grew up (short distance away.) He had no friends there, but to him it was the centre of the Universe. Years he went on about it, even though our SEN child was experiencing excellent provision where we lived, the others were settled, we had a large four bed house with a small mortgage and I'd worked hard to make links/friends for them/us within the area. I worked full time. Eventually I caved in and we moved. To cut a long story short, we separated 18 months later. The move was my last ditch attempt at the marriage. My life became much more complicated and the children missed what they had had. He continued to be the 'bachelor boy' he had always been throughout the marriage. I had my epiphany and we divorced. I hope this doesn't happen to you OP, but if he is questioning the marriage, let him go. Put your children first, because despite dressing it up, his reason for moving is purely about him. In addition I work in SEN. I have experienced pupils being pulled from their established supports to relocate that have not been positive. The move had a big effect on my child, which I could counteract in part, due to the short distance they were away from what they 'knew.' I wish you all the best.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 20/04/2024 03:31

Supermomma17 · 16/04/2024 18:11

I think his mum is fine to care for them for now at least and they love being with her.. there really is no denying that. The sort of help we really need is help with clubs after school etc esp if I’m working. Weekends games when I’m working etc. but yes this defo something to think about re her getting worse

My Dad lives nearby and was a regular help with my Autistic DC when they were younger. Then some things changed in his life and he was rarely around for 3 years and now he just doesn't have the energy he used to have but won't admit it even to himself. Five years ago my Dad was very active, now he's suddenly old. Your MIL might seem fine to care for them but the reality might be very different.

Codlingmoths · 20/04/2024 03:28

I wouldn’t move. Has he at all looked into the process you’d have to go to to get the dc assessed and that they would miss out on support for years while you do this? No grandparent trumps suitable special needs support.

pinkdaffodill · 20/04/2024 03:23

I did it, different areas but I've done the move.

Regretted it. Help didn't materialise

I'm moving back!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 20/04/2024 03:08

RandomMess · 16/04/2024 14:56

His Mum can say that she will give this support, what if you move and it doesn't materialise or she becomes unwell?

I've seen people post on here saying this happened, that they were told they'd get heaps of support, moved and it didn't happen. Even higher risk of that happening with kids who have SEN as it can be a lot more exhausting looking after them. Even if you get some support good schools that support kids with SEN are hard to find. Id want a very good reason, which he doesn't have to move my kids away from their supportive school.

The status quo, so not moving, is the default position if you can't both agree. If he threatened to move without us or was getting really angry and trying to force/guilt me into there's no way Id even consider the idea because he's showing his true colours and if you move and the relationship end's you'll be trapped there unless he agrees to a move.

Newestname002 · 20/04/2024 02:30

RandomMess · 19/04/2024 21:38

I guess you need to be firm that you aren't moving and if he wants to end your marriage over that, move away and rarely see the DC you can't stop him.

It sounds like emotional blackmail tbh.

Exactly this. He's not giving enough consideration to how this will affect firstly his children, secondly you. If he really wants to move back then he should do so, but in his own. Let him see, without the physical upheaval of the rest of you, the reality of what he's proposing. 🌹

Kazzybingbong · 20/04/2024 01:01

I’m from the north of England, my husband is from Edinburgh, family now live near Aberdeen and we live near Liverpool. I would never leave Scotland to come down here if I lived up there. Really not sure why my husband did in the first place 🤣

RandomMess · 19/04/2024 21:38

I guess you need to be firm that you aren't moving and if he wants to end your marriage over that, move away and rarely see the DC you can't stop him.

It sounds like emotional blackmail tbh.

Original poster
Supermomma17 · 19/04/2024 21:26

TiredMummma · 19/04/2024 13:37

If you live in Scotland don't move. You have a better quality of life, better access to support in schools and better access to NHS than you'll get right now in West Yorkshire (we live in a similar place and it's a nice place to live for many reasons but I envy what my husband's relatives have!

yep I’ve laid all this out to him, I’ve said there is only one reason I see for us moving v 5/6 major reasons for not. I said I don’t know what it would to do our relationship if I moved as I would resent it all so much and I don’t want to move but he just said well I don’t know what it will do if we stay! I honestly don’t know what we are going to do.
we are mortgage free just now, I don’t want to out ourselves into a mortgage again when we have this financial freedom now. It’s just a no brainwrs to me to stay and put money into childcare and more trips to his mums. I can’t see me living in West Yorkshire it’s not home to me or our kids. The thought of having to learn a new locality over again, learn a new job and way of working, new schooling systems, new connections and groups/even things like trades/ garages/places you shop/kids groups etx the stress of that would end me I just know it would.

OP posts:
TiredMummma · 19/04/2024 13:37

If you live in Scotland don't move. You have a better quality of life, better access to support in schools and better access to NHS than you'll get right now in West Yorkshire (we live in a similar place and it's a nice place to live for many reasons but I envy what my husband's relatives have!

JADS · 19/04/2024 07:23

I have a child in a special school with an EHCP in London. There is no way I would move in your circumstances. The reasons for moving aren't good enough, his mum might help? I bet she would find 3 kids, 2 with SEN completely overwhelming.

What you need is to throw a bit of money at the situation and look for a good local babysitter. It isn't easy, but in a bigget town, you have a better chance. Good luck and stay strong x

Lakelandmumofthree · 19/04/2024 07:12

Tell him how much uni fees are if you live in England!!! £10000 per year per child....

SuzySheepsSleepy · 18/04/2024 23:55

My husband is from Yorkshire and we live in Scotland - he would love to move back to Yorkshire (waxes lyrical about it) and claims his mother would help endlessly with our kids. The truth is that she wouldn’t, and our lives would be worse in every way if we ever moved there. Whenever we are holidaying in Yorkshire DH realises this and goes through a period of being realistic until he starts getting nostalgic again. I suspect your DH gets nostalgic regularly and that is driving this. From everything you are saying I would not move if I was you. But commiserations on dealing with the Yorkshire-obsessed DH with rose tinted spectacles.

SpamFritterSandwich · 18/04/2024 22:37

Can his mum move to you?

SpamFritterSandwich · 18/04/2024 22:36

You have so many reasons to stay. Definitely don't move. The resentment if DC don't settle/ get good medical support/ you have to cope without friends will be overwhelming.

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2024 22:30

YANBU. I have two children with ASD and we made the decision a while back not to move as their support is all in place.

Flintthecat · 18/04/2024 22:26

I would consider very carefully what the education options would be for your children if you move. You may not even get places for them at the same mainstream school as one another, let alone be given a specialist place without months/ years of waiting. How would that impact on the support his mum could provide? Also, if you move to a new authority during the assessment process, they may not accept the previous reports etc and make you start from scratch.
SEN provision varies wildly from authority to authority- it would be wise to contact the authority you would come under and ask what provision they would have and if there are any places at your preferred schools. Surely your DH isn’t suggesting that you move without have some idea of where you can realistically send them to school and it doesn’t sound like you’ve got much information in this yet? It might be a deal breaker if he realises how much the kids have to lose.

MrsPCR · 18/04/2024 22:23

Before I had children, for some unknown reason, I thought my mum would be a really hand on and helpful Nan, who wanted to look after her grandchildren and help me. Reality is she's literally no help, and when she comes to visit, it's like having a 4th child. Even on my birthday, I still had to wait on her hand and foot, make the drinks whilst consoling an upset toddler. Literally nothing. She would not be a reason to hold me back from relocating. My in-laws are better, but we only really feel we can ask for help when one has an appointment and it's not possible to take a toddler along. But their looking after for an hour comes with me entertaining and looking after them for a few hours, so I really have to need the childcare.

My point being, people can appear to have the best intentions to help, but often the help is not as helpful as you would hope.

Original poster
Supermomma17 · 16/04/2024 20:41

RandomMess · 16/04/2024 20:11

The money spent money could be spent of paid for babysitting.

yes if only a rent a granny existed lol

yeah we could and o think we need to consider paid help

OP posts:
Original poster
Supermomma17 · 16/04/2024 20:40

remembe · 16/04/2024 20:31

You say you have special base placements. These rarely exist in England; you'd probably need a special school. To get a place at a special school, you need an EHCP and then the energy to argue and argue til you get one because virtually every single one is full with many parents clamouring to get their children in. I really don't think you should be under any illusions about how difficult the move could be just in terms of sorting out schooling alone. Your husband probably needs to read up on this.

Yes it’s a specialist school he attended 2 afternoons a week just now but looks like that may increase to 4. We are through educational psychology with the other one now and he will be at the sen forum in a few weeks to make decisions on the recommendations.. it’s a process of let’s try this let’s try that and when all interventions are done I’d still no improvements the placement is offered. We have been with camhs waiting list for 3 years now I don’t even know I’d wed skip the queue if we moved or go to back if their list there again.

OP posts:
remembe · 16/04/2024 20:31

You say you have special base placements. These rarely exist in England; you'd probably need a special school. To get a place at a special school, you need an EHCP and then the energy to argue and argue til you get one because virtually every single one is full with many parents clamouring to get their children in. I really don't think you should be under any illusions about how difficult the move could be just in terms of sorting out schooling alone. Your husband probably needs to read up on this.