To think parents of only children are selfish

You know what else is selfish?

Having children that you can't afford

My niece is an only child, after miscarriages and years of failed attempts my sister decided to give up trying for another baby as she couldn’t handle the heartbreak… would that make her selfish? There’s so many reasons people have only 1 child, hard to conceive, financial reasons, widowed, divorce and tbh anyone saying their parents were selfish for not giving them a sibling come across selfish and entitled themselves!

I have a 18 month old and really want another but I am already in my 30s and would either want another in the next couple of years or not at all. Unfortunately my DH is chronically ill and so it's looking like that wont happen. I always imagined I'd have either no or several children and I've had similar thoughts to you. However...

People often speak as if there are two options:

a) people are close to their siblings and being an only child would have been terrible

b) people don't get along with their siblings and don't speak or argue and being an only would be better

I'd like to mention a third option:

c) I'm close with my siblings but, thinking coldly and logically, still think id have perhaps been happier an only child

I have two older brothers and we got along surprisingly well growing up. We didn't randomly kick each other like my friends siblings and we didn't argue much. We did spend a lot of time playing together. However my brothers were always very close to each other and I always felt like a spare part on the outside.

In hindsight, especially since I was the youngest, they were very patient and spent a lot of time with me but I was still desperately lonely. They were "the boys". They were best friends. They weren't twins but they were treated like people often treat twins. I so badly wanted to be part of that.

I have memories of being left out in games or not being allowed to go out with them when they went off exploring on their own (because I was too young). They were part of one big friendship group - a load of boys from our street - and there weren't many kids my age.

I'd cling on to any bone they threw me and I just wanted nothing more than to be "one of them". From an early age I was acutely aware of my role of "annoying younger sister". Not that they were horrible to me. Just that hanging out with me was more like babysitting than hanging out with a friend.

And no, we did not have a massive age gap (I'm 7 years younger than the oldest and 4 years younger than the middle). Which means they are 3 years apart. There's no reason in another sibling group with the same age gaps that the youngest and middle wouldn't be tighter knit growing up.

We had so many lovely memories and we did still spend a lot of time together but I've kept those feelings of feeling an outsider with me my whole life.

I don't think "three is a crowd and four is a party" is the answer either as lots of dynamics of three siblings would be different to ours. I don't think any of us did anything wrong and I am ND so would likely have felt different to others anyway but I do think it affected me.

Most people who dabble in psychotherapy or similar therapies find links to their childhood and their current patterns in relationships, work, friendships especially with regards to their early relationships with their parents.

However I do not think enough attention is paid to sibling relationships. They are such important relationships and we are with them all the time.

I'm reading a book that speaks about upbringing and it basically argues that you and your siblings did not have the same upbringing. There were the labels that were put on you growing up as well as expectations about birth order, gender etc.

I have to agree that I think I would be a completely different person if I'd been born the oldest for example. I also expect that if I'd been a boy things would have been different too.

Now I reflect on my various issues as an adult, I do see myself repeating patterns that come from my relationship with my parents but I also massively see similarities in my early relationship with my siblings.

For example, I'm constantly pursuing quite cliquey but tight knit friendship groups that I aim to fight my way into in a hope to feel "part" of something and to belong there and be wanted but once successful I feel uncomfortable and struggle to maintain the friendship.

It's a subtle thing and something I didn't notice about myself for years but now I see myself doing things and have these flashes of childhood memories of feeling alone and trying to be good enough and grown up enough.

Now maybe I'd have been more unhappy an only. I don't know. It's hard to truly divorce myself from it. I know and love my brothers and now we are adults we are all equally close to each other (although drifted a bit in recent years for various reasons). I would never wish for them not to exist and I do still look back mostly fondly on our years growing up together.

But if I try to be objective and logical, I do think that it's likely that without always feeling left out and having more time/attention from my parents I'd have probably turned out a bit happier.

When we introduce another sibling it's so massive and adds so many more dynamics to the mix. I do think it's probably the safer option not to do so. It's hard because you don't want them to miss out on siblings but I wouldn't assume that the default option is "siblings are better" except for extreme cases where they hate each other.

No social skills with all those cousins??
I had 2 girls 3 years apart. They never ever played with each other. Then DS is 9 years younger than DD2 so effectively grew up as an only. So siblings are no guarantee you'd have had a playmate

I had 0 cousins, 1 sibling and I don’t have shit social skills so not really sure your excuse is valid. Maybe you would have always had shit social skills. Maybe you’ve got a chip on your shoulder

Why do you think it’s selfish though? There’s no law that says parents need to have more than one child. Your experience is unfortunate and completely understandable, I just wonder how you think they’re selfish?

Around the age of 7 when I started to notice that all my cousins had siblings to play with and I went home to play by myself

I think it’s selfish. I hated being an only child. I had 16 cousins and all had brothers or sisters, I was the only one that didn’t have a sibling and I always felt like an outsider. I never had anyone to play with and grew up with shit social skills as a result

Just to echo others, there is really no way to tell how it'll go. I have three siblings and we're all very close. DH has one brother just two years younger. They HATED each other as kids and now as adults have a perfunctory phone call on each others birthday. That's it.

My sisters both have only kids and both are extremely happy with a wide circle of friends (they're 15 years apart so no playing with cousins either 😅). DB has two but they're 10 years apart (different mums) so while there's love and affection the 16 year old is certainly not playing with her 6 year old sister!

The grass is always greener on the other side. People aren't happy in life just because they have siblings 😂 Jesus

A child grew up lonely, because those SELFISH PARENTS didnt give them a sibling? Boo fucking hoo. I'm sure some people have much bigger issues than this in their lives.

I'm sorry the little girl was lonely and all but reality check...!

My only child told me she feels quite enough by herself, so I needn’t worry about her being lonely.

She also closer to her cousin than he is to his sibling, who’s 10 years younger, so sibling is no guarantee of a close relationship.

Not as selfish as having more children than you can afford/have time for.
You see so many threads on here where a poster isn't coping with 2+ or 1 child is making life hell for other kids in the house etc, as my brother did.
Even if it was selfish I don't actually think there's anything wrong being selfish.
I am a good mum because I have one. If I had more I wouldn't be the patient calm mum I am.

This is definitely what you are doing. You don't knopw who else is going to come into your life. She will make new friends and fall in love one day. She may have a massive family of in-laws too. Every one is different and you don't know she is going to be like crying lady. In fact, crying lady really needs to stop putting so much blame on her parents and expand her circle a little bit.

Everything about having or not having children is fundamentally selfish anyway. People generally make these decisions based on what they want 🤷‍♀️

You do not produce siblings to order
Sibling could be disabled or other issues
They may or may not get on

"Growing up lonely"
May not have been solved with a sibling
They should see a therapist work out why they feel that way

This is the reason I was adament from the start that I only wanted two. My mum had five, with my step-sister there was six kids in the house at one point. It was too much for her and we all knew it and felt it.
I have more to give just two and not just financnailly, more of myself. And with one I had even more.

While now I wish we'd had another the fact we didn't wasn't for selfish reasons. It just worked out that way.

My DD is an only. It's not what I would have chosen but it is what it is.

I both am and am not an only - only child of my birth parents but had much older siblings within the family who brought me up, but they left home when I was still very young so I grew up kind of as an 'only', though also almost alongside nieces/nephews once the oldest sibling had children of their own.

Either way, I definitely remember being lonely at times and not necessarily wanting that for any children I had of my own. But we are where we are. I also think it served me well in some ways, and am sure it will my DD. She's also a completely different kettle of fish to me as a child (or indeed now)- so outgoing and confident and always manages to find friends to play with wherever we go.

There are advantages for her too in terms of how much time, energy and money we can devote to her. I've found parenting harder than I anticipated and whilst I do believe I'm a good mum to DD, I don't think I could be AS good to two. With just the one I can also afford to stay part time at work, working around school (well school nursery at the moment) hours mostly so I'm really present for her the rest of the time.

There's apparently research out there that shows that the stereotypes about only children being more introverted or unable to share or whatever else just don't hold up, and I remember reading somewhere that only children actually tend to better in terms of academic success. No idea how robust that research was and to be honest I've not looked much further into it because whatever it says this is how our family is, and how it's staying so we just have to make the best of it.

I went for NBU because you’re not being unreasonable to not want another child. I had five sons, they are aged 32 - 44 and only one of them has had kids of their own. So yes four of them are uncles but it doesn’t look like any of those four will be having kids now. So the one who has kids will never be an uncle. His kids won’t have cousins (their mum is an only child). Also I have two brothers but I had to deal with everything for our parents, both before and after they died. They were happy to take their share of the money though. So I wish I had been an only child because my brothers were no help at all and I would have got everything. So don’t feel guilty you might be doing your child a favour.

Don't assume that because a child has siblings that they'll get on. I have a sister 8 years older. We've never been close. She has a chip on her shoulder about something - no idea what. She has lied continually and has not added anything to my life.

There are many reasons why people have only one child.

YABVU to condemn a whole set of families for their choices.

For every one person moaning they weren't a sibling and all that entails, you'll find another moaning that they were! Stop overthinking what your dd may or may not want in their future and concentrate on your own life.