To think parents of only children are selfish

I was surprised when my adult son told me he didn’t mind not having any siblings. He said it’s not something he misses because he’s never had it.
However, because I wasn’t able to have any more children I brought him up to be as independent as possible and know the benefit of having a small group of close friends all his life. He has no other close family alive except me now.
It prepares him for life when I am gone and I think he has been appreciative of my parenting style. Siblings aren’t always close and often choose to be childless.

My sibling is a disgusting low life. Would’ve quite happily been an only child.

YABU. DH is his DM only as she was widowed when he was seven months old. When DH was six his DM met the man who would become DH DF. DF had two DC from his first marriage who were then aged 15 & 14. They refused to have anything to with my DH or his DM as they were still angry over the divorce. It is only now they are 49 and 50 they have started talking to my DH and consider him a step sibling. DH never felt lonely as an only child and is now a wonderful uncle to my nieces. My two siblings and I meet up a few times a year for family get togethers but we are not close.

Absolutely! This is what I think all the time too.

I think it's a very sweeping statement to say that having an only child is selfish.
I have a friend who suffered severe blood loss having her daughter so decided she couldn't go through the trauma again, so only had the one child - Yes, she's very selfish not to want to risk her life so her daughter won't be lonely.

My daughter's 18mo is a very poor sleeper. He has never slept an entire night and is up, on average, between 2 and 4 times every night, sometimes for an hour. She has to get up to start work as a nurse at 7 for a 12 hour shift, so yes, she's very selfish in deciding she can't go through this again.

The problem with only children who say they hate being an only child, is that they don't actually know whether they would enjoy having a sibling because they have never experienced it. They often have a rosey, romanticised view of what it is like: e.g. a constant playmate growing up and a source of support in adulthood. The reality can often be a lot of fighting and bickering growing up and indifference once you are adults.

I have a sibling who is very different to me, now lives abroad, and is pretty crap at staying in touch with me. My sibling also has no plans for kids of their own.

I am jealous of friends who have siblings that they are close to. As an adult, I may as well be an only child, so my parents didn't guarantee me wider family support simply by having another kid.

It sounds like she’s got issues nothing to do with being an only.
Mine is a young adult only. Not through choice but as life has progressed it honestly was best fit for us all.
Shes not lonely. She did a wide range of activities as a child. I’d also willingly have friends over or take a friend with us on trips. Holidays were child friendly. She is best friends with two girls who are only in all but name (adult siblings or half siblings)
Materially she knows she’s better off - our required loan top up at uni is £5500 a year, peers with siblings close in age are being told live at home for uni or northern only.
She may well be an aunt as her partner will probably have siblings.
Myself and dh have siblings but rely on each other and good friends for most things.
Mine positively expresses how happy she is to be an only.

I have four siblings and am the only one that had any kids.

So they might not be an aunt anyway.

I had a sibling but I was painfully shy and had shit social skills. My brother was the same to a lesser degree. Having a sibling doesn't magic away problems or give you a better personality.
I think my parents just went along with having 2 kids as it was the done thing in the 80s.

My brother, as I've already said, is a drug addict and gives them so much heartache at 37 years old. Every phone call that comes it's asking for money or telling them he's been beaten up or something.
I'm sure they occasionally wish they had had 1 - or no- children.
And my brother will be obviously be no help once my parents die. He will probably fight and guilt trip me for drug money!
I would have been fine as an only child. For sure.

One size does not fit all. Many people only have one child for many reasons.

Not all onlys are bereft, not all kids with siblings are necessarily better off.

Onlys do need the parents to make maybe mire effort for play mates. Holidays can be harder work for parents of onlys but there are no rules IMO.

Sorry to hear what you and your family went through ❤️

I think it’s much more selfish to have lots of children if can’t actually afford them or have the time to look after properly.

100% bob on!!

I'm an only child, I don't wish I had siblings and never have.

In fact, I'm glad I don't have any !!

I don’t think it’s selfish to have one child.
I think it’s much more selfish to have lots of children if can’t actually afford them or have the time to look after properly.

I have an only child. Not through choice though as I couldnt have any more.

DS is quite happy being an only child. He is very sociable - always found making friends easy.(I think because he went to nursery from a baby).

We can have an idealised view of siblings, but the reality is siblings don’t always get along. My sibling has issues which causes stress in the family and my partners sibling no longer speaks to any of their family.

Often great friendships have closer bonds.

Sounds like my nephews. They are 10 years apart, so the older one is here with my daughter every chance he gets, because he feels closer to her than his brother. Nothing is guaranteed.

@ExitSandyman there's no way of knowing whether you having shit social skills was because you were an online child. Perhaps it's just your personality, or a multitude of other factors.

Research has shown that only children often have better social and communication skills because they get more 1:1 time with adults, but also they seek out more interactions/ friends/ hobbies outside of the home.

Yes parents of only children are selfish. Especially if they can't actually have more children because of secondary infertility, or because they lost a baby in utero, or at birth. Or indeed a child might die during childhood or early adulthood, leaving them with one child who has lost their sibling

That doesn't apply to me, I just had one child by choice. I wasn't going through pregnancy again, putting myself through the risks a pregnancy posed. Neither did I, given my son had all ten fingers and toes and all the bits he was meant to have, risk having a disabled child next time round.

Selfish, maybe. I don't actually care what you or any other MNers think.

Side note: given there are too many people in the world and we are destroying the planet, maybe the selfish decision is to have children at all.

My brother was ten years older than me so in many respects, it felt like I was an only child when I was a little bit older. I had lots of cousins, who lived at the other end of the country to me and so I can only remember seeing most of them once or twice as a child. But I was perfectly happy having a very small family and never felt that I'd missed out. I got engaged on Christmas Day when I had just turned 17 and was paraded round his enormous family over the Christmas period. I was so horrified by the thought of such a large family thst it was a major contributory factor to me breaking off the engagement a few months later.

Now that both of my parents and my brother have died, my family has shrunk even more to just my husband, daughter, son in law, and my sister in law and her two sons is Australia.

But if I try to be objective and logical, I do think that it's likely that without always feeling left out and having more time/attention from my parents I'd have probably turned out a bit happier. @toothypeggys

I enjoyed reading a lot of the posts on these thread (as the one quoted above). Everyone has also been quite nice to the OP which just shows to me how used to this stereotype and judgment only child parents are, and how tolerant with this nonsense.

I know OP is also a parent of an only child but I'm annoyed by the wording in the title, I'm annoyed she hadn't realised her child may be lonely and not be an aunt until this 'discussion' she had, I'm annoyed she has zero conviction in her child rearing that she'd be so influenced by this one conversation, and the fact it just occurred to her that her child might have a half sibling through her father.

If you don't want your child to feel lonely may be don't leave them alone? Most parents now actively and meaningfully engage with their children much more compared to previous generations.
Do you not play with your child, read, do crafts, take to places, model friendships..?! If you don't, that would make you a selfish parent regardless of the number of humans you produced.

I still had an open episiotomy scar 6 years after having DD.

Exactly. My sister tried for ten years with her DH with multiple losses. Finally got pregnant via IVF and her DH died mid pregnancy. My DN is such a happy, confident, sociable boy and very much loved, I know my sister would have liked another but it wasn't to be for obvious reasons.

I don't think my sister is selfish. Or yours!

We couldn't concieve a second time.

Equally, plenty of kids with siblings might say they'd rather have been an only child. Just because one adult you spoke to was lonely, that doesn't mean everyone is.

My brother has a large family and at least one of the kids doesn't enjoy having siblings around him all the time at all.

Yeah... the age gap between me and my siblings was big - closest was my brother who was 7 years older then 10 years, then 14.

I spent a lot of time with my cousins who were far closer in age. And school friends. As adults I'm closer to my siblings but I don't feel I missed out on social skills and playmates as a kid. Maybe they live far away?

Indeed! My older brother is a complete twat.