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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh - his annoying habit .

193 replies

Notanana · 16/04/2024 08:14

He leaves his chair out most of the time after a meal .
… drive s me mad .
I have asked and asked that he put it back - remind him
most days- or many days -sometimes call to him upstairs to come and put it under.
it infuriates me beyond measure !
it feels inconsiderate to me .

Its silly but it really stresses me out now - i have developed a learnt reaction and i get angry.

does it really matter?!!

dh says he tries but forgets daily.
he is semi retired so this can happen 3 times a day at meal times ultimately.

he has suggested that i “ work on my reaction” ( it is ott)
and
that he does not use the table - which will affect out life !!

my thought is you are a grown man and you can put a chair under a table !!!

he also moves the coffee table daily and does not put that back either. Every day or many days i move it back.that bothers me less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:47

I suspect you have a problem with letting minor inconveniences control you to the point of madness

not usually - i fall over the shoes he leave s out, ignore the loo seat - its just this .

OP posts:
thehappytable · 16/04/2024 09:45

You sound bored OP

Maybe occupy your time/headspace with something else.

This is a non issue and if my partner nagged like this constantly I'd be out the door. What a life

It's his house too. Maybe he wants to leave the chair out, who is to say your way is the right way?

I suspect you have a problem with letting minor inconveniences control you to the point of madness

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2024 09:44

Ah, I see!

Be interested to hear what he thinks of the article.

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:44

He takes the hair from the shower and leaves it on the sink .
its gross but the chair still bothers me not that. Its me isnt it ? !

OP posts:
Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:42

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas sorry ! Meant to say if I dont cook .

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2024 09:41

Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:30

Nori10 he does loads right
he has other habits that annoy me - just like I do him- leaves loo seat up, doesn't unpack shopping just puts it on counter, moves the coffee table daily for exercise space and does not put back, if i dont complains and whikst he sometimes cooks will often just get a bowl of cereal instead of food, leaves his shoes where i trip over them.. normal stuff - but the chair freaks me out .

What does "if I don't complains" mean after the coffee table thing then?

Janetime · 16/04/2024 09:41

My view is it’s a two second job. It doesn’t bother him. It does you. So you put it back. If you left something out, that bothered him and took two seconds id say the same to him.

FYED · 16/04/2024 09:38

If my partner called me to put a chair back, I’d think wtf. Its my house too.

Mothership4two · 16/04/2024 09:38

Akamai · 16/04/2024 09:28

Stop cooking for him (if you are).

If he can’t show you basic respect then he doesn’t get even a basic meal from you.

Cook and eat your meal, with his chair neatly under the table.

From someone who has had a long and happy relationship/marriage, don't do this, especially over just leaving a chair out, especially as you say he does loads right. Tit for tat doesn't belong in a relationship IMO unless it's an act of intervention if you are with a lazy b*gger who does nothing and expects you to do everything. Acting like that tends to go one way that's not a good thing for a partnership.

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:37

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas
no - he moves the coffee table every am to make space to exercise. He does not pu t it back but leaves it were he left it .
i move it back .
i t was an example of normal behaviours that couples do and bear with annoying habits - i was pointing out I accept his habits and he accepts mine- but that the chair thing drives me mad !

OP posts:
Berlinlover · 16/04/2024 09:34

Sometimes in life you just have to let things go.

betterangels · 16/04/2024 09:33

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2024 09:32

Hang on, he complains if you don't put the coffee table back which he moved?!

That's what I would hate.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2024 09:32

Hang on, he complains if you don't put the coffee table back which he moved?!

Akamai · 16/04/2024 09:32

Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:30

Nori10 he does loads right
he has other habits that annoy me - just like I do him- leaves loo seat up, doesn't unpack shopping just puts it on counter, moves the coffee table daily for exercise space and does not put back, if i dont complains and whikst he sometimes cooks will often just get a bowl of cereal instead of food, leaves his shoes where i trip over them.. normal stuff - but the chair freaks me out .

Let him eat cereal every night.

Put his shoes in a bin liner and put it on his pillow.

Somethingsnappy · 16/04/2024 09:31

My 8 year old, autistic son used to do this. I asked him to remember to push it back in after he gets up, and mostly he remembers! If he can do it, I feel your husband could probably remember. Annoying!

Akamai · 16/04/2024 09:31

Womblingmerrily · 16/04/2024 09:30

This is clearly something that bothers you in a particular way, more than I would suggest most people.

He doesn't see it as an issue and even with you getting annoyed with him, it isn't changing his behaviour.

I think this is one of those situations where if you cannot change the behaviour the only power you have is to change your reaction to the behaviour.

There are many things that members of my family do that irritate me, but don't cause them any difficulty and it is not for me to insist on my own way on them. I will sometimes clear up things (like pulling up duvets) because I like the look of it better - I can't force them to care about it, and I don't think it reflects how they feel about me.

Yes, and OP can change her reaction by no longer cooking for the inconsiderate twat.

Original poster
Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:30

Nori10 he does loads right
he has other habits that annoy me - just like I do him- leaves loo seat up, doesn't unpack shopping just puts it on counter, moves the coffee table daily for exercise space and does not put back, if i dont complains and whikst he sometimes cooks will often just get a bowl of cereal instead of food, leaves his shoes where i trip over them.. normal stuff - but the chair freaks me out .

OP posts:
Womblingmerrily · 16/04/2024 09:30

This is clearly something that bothers you in a particular way, more than I would suggest most people.

He doesn't see it as an issue and even with you getting annoyed with him, it isn't changing his behaviour.

I think this is one of those situations where if you cannot change the behaviour the only power you have is to change your reaction to the behaviour.

There are many things that members of my family do that irritate me, but don't cause them any difficulty and it is not for me to insist on my own way on them. I will sometimes clear up things (like pulling up duvets) because I like the look of it better - I can't force them to care about it, and I don't think it reflects how they feel about me.

Akamai · 16/04/2024 09:29

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/04/2024 09:28

If you’re ND and need order then isn’t that up to you to sort out? I mean your Dh can support, but ultimately you want extreme neatness and he doesn’t.

My Dd is ASD. Her desire for order can be very difficult to live with. Sometimes l just want to rebel.

Show quote history

Tucking chairs into table isn’t necessarily about neatness, it’s about safety and not wasting space.

betterangels · 16/04/2024 09:29

Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow i do it to make a point really . In the hope that it’s easier for him to just do it .

This would just make me annoyed and not do it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/04/2024 09:29

Is it the straw which broke the camel's back? Is it one small thing symptomatic of a host of other things? Or does he generally contribute 50:50?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/04/2024 09:29

Nori10 · 16/04/2024 09:25

This sounds like a symptom of a bigger problem tbh. My DH does little annoying things (like leaving his worn socks on the bedroom floor!) but although it may illicit an eye roll from me, I don't let it bother me. If I look at the big picture of him as a dh, he does enough things ‘right’ to overlook the odd ‘wrong’.

This.

Mine leaves his like cast off little shrouds on the front room floor.

Akamai · 16/04/2024 09:28

Stop cooking for him (if you are).

If he can’t show you basic respect then he doesn’t get even a basic meal from you.

Cook and eat your meal, with his chair neatly under the table.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/04/2024 09:28

Notanana · 16/04/2024 09:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow i do it to make a point really . In the hope that it’s easier for him to just do it .

If you’re ND and need order then isn’t that up to you to sort out? I mean your Dh can support, but ultimately you want extreme neatness and he doesn’t.

My Dd is ASD. Her desire for order can be very difficult to live with. Sometimes l just want to rebel.

DrJoanAllenby · 16/04/2024 09:28

Once the trivial petty stuff creeps in and annoys you it's the beginning of the end.

You could dispose of your dining table and chairs and replace with a low Japanese dining table and floor cushions. Unless of course the mere sight of a cushion not placed under the table gives you the vapours.