Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like a crap mum for struggling and don’t know if this set up is right

31 replies

Struggling180 · 16/04/2024 08:09

Dd is 18 months. I went back to work when she was one and used my accrued annual leave to take two days off a week. I thought this was best so she was only in nursery three days a week at first and so I had more time with her. Ex left when she was 10 months but sees her most weeks.

Today is a day off with her and I just don’t want to do another day of it. My work is full on but not like this. I don’t even know what to do with her, I genuinely think she enjoys nursery just as much or the same

i will go up to four days a week soon and feel awful about that too as worry she will want to be at home. I also think I should have done it sooner so I had a bit of a break as well. I just feel so conflicted and sad and like I have failed because if I am honest work feels like a day off more than a day with her feels. I count the hours sometimes, I am embarrassed to admit. Of course it’s great watching her grow but the nappies, food prep, mess and constant attention is so hard.

OP posts:
Sparklybanana · 16/04/2024 09:41

For context, my dd went to nursery for 2 days a week then went to full time, my ds1 went to nursery full time and ds2 has been going 4 days a week. They all enjoyed nursery but also didn't want to go sometimes. I felt like they went to little and then went to much, but now they are out the other side.... they are all very similar. My dd went to school most prepared but I'm not sure it's anything I did, she's just like that. Ds1 wasn't really prepared but he's caught up and naturally good with numbers even though he didn't really know anything past 20 when he started school.

You're going to feel guilty whatever you you do but in the end it doesn't seem to make a massive difference to the kids. They might complain on the door but they just accept nursery quickly once you've left. Going to nursery now does make a difference to how they transition to school so just do what's right for you. If it makes a difference, I have Fridays off with my 4 Yr old and we just do the food shop, clean up and he has probably way too much tv. But we spend the time together and make the adult stuff more fun. Like he's trained me to go to the tesco cafe for the kids lunch but he's happy to go around as long as we do that. Compromise.

User543211 · 16/04/2024 09:24

OP please don't feel bad. I feel/ felt exactly the same, and many of my friends do too. And many didn't, and that's fine. I personally found the 1-3 age so so hard (and had 2 under 2) and preferred to work more. I work 4 days a week and until recently still found the Fri/Sat/sun such a slog.
Of course I love my kids and want to spend time with them, but the constant meals, nappies, bottles, snacks, changing of clothes, mess, in and out the car, in and out the buggy etc I found exhausting.
My little girl is 3 now and honestly I would find a day off work with just her so easy compared to what it was. I feel like I'm coming into my own as a mum whereas when they were babies I was just a stressed mess most of the time and work was respite. I don't care how that sounds, that's how I felt.

WineIsAFruitRight · 16/04/2024 09:18

Meadowfinch · 16/04/2024 08:36

OP, first thing to realise is there is no right or wrong, only what works for you and for your financial situation. Some people are better at the toddler stage than others, it doesn't make anyone a bad mum. And being a lone mum is hard, don't underestimate that.

I'm also a lone mum and I went back full time. My ds is fine, now 15, happy, secure, doing well.

If your dd is happy going to nursery 3 days a week, she'll be fine moving to four. She'll be well socialised and learning fast. Also bear in mind, as spring arrives, days at home get easier - picnics, more time in the park, exploring woods and beaches, playing in the garden.

Children do best with happy mums. Your happiness is important to her because she relies on you. So stop feeling guilty and do whatever you need to do to regain your 'balance'. xx

What @Meadowfinch said is spot on. I was exactly the same and ended up going from 4 to 5 days and was a much happier mum and I then appreciated the time I got at weekends and mornings / evenings so much more. There's no right or wrong. Don't beat yourself up. You're going an amazing job x

Octavia64 · 16/04/2024 09:14

Toddlers ARE hard work. You aren't a crap mum for feeling that at all.

Goldx2 · 16/04/2024 09:13

Don’t beat yourself up so much. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you are finding it hard. She will be fine in nursery for a longer time then the days you have with her will be more special

Meadowfinch · 16/04/2024 08:36

OP, first thing to realise is there is no right or wrong, only what works for you and for your financial situation. Some people are better at the toddler stage than others, it doesn't make anyone a bad mum. And being a lone mum is hard, don't underestimate that.

I'm also a lone mum and I went back full time. My ds is fine, now 15, happy, secure, doing well.

If your dd is happy going to nursery 3 days a week, she'll be fine moving to four. She'll be well socialised and learning fast. Also bear in mind, as spring arrives, days at home get easier - picnics, more time in the park, exploring woods and beaches, playing in the garden.

Children do best with happy mums. Your happiness is important to her because she relies on you. So stop feeling guilty and do whatever you need to do to regain your 'balance'. xx