Feel like a crap mum for struggling and don’t know if this set up is right

@Janetime we have had a massive amount of upheaval/trauma in the recent years as a family so needed time to settle down and have a routine especially for my older child. We can afford a nanny, I'm studying PT/ retraining as well and hope to get back into work when my LO starts nursery/school.

I struggled with Pnd both times and found parenting just not what I thought it would be. I love my dc so very much but just very overwhelmed.

I'm not offended by your question, I do know people are curious about this.

18 months is a terrible age in my experience. The have a bit of autonomy so can say no, enough speech probably to say no, but not enough communication to be able to express themselves properly without just getting frustrated. They probably still need a nap and probably aren't good enough walkers to not need a pram and are probably not toilet trained.

It gets better. I've got three kids and didn't much enjoy my days with any of them at that age. I work three days a week and definitely found my work days easier than being at home when they were toddlers. My youngest is 4 now and I like being at home with her, she's good company and good fun. It will get better in time.

BUT don't feel guilty for how you feel, or for needing/wanting to work more. Most kids love nursery and lots of them go there full time.

I just loved this post so much. Yes to the biscuits!

only to add my experience OP, I felt the same as you do. I was on a 4day week because I felt I should have the extra time at home with my daughter. I didnt enjoy it, and have gone back to 5 days 🤷‍♀️ so much happier on evenings and weekends and I believe what others have said - your happiness does matter to your children and they can tell. You are not a crap mum. It’s hard!! And it’s a long game xx

I used to dread my days off with DS

Like you I felt so bad but it’s the constant finding things to do and timings … we could go to the park but have to drive there: will there be a danger nap? Constant needing to entertain them but actually needing to get stuff done too.

He’s 3 now and it’s so much easier. Except I have a 9 month old too 😅

Perfectly normal and ok to want a break
I put m daughter in nursery when I have days off for a break
They will be fine
Don't fret do what works for your situation

@Struggling180 you are not a crap mum!! It’s very very hard and especially if you are a single parent. She will be absolutely fine at nursery 4 days. You do what feels best for you and what works for you. My DS is two and goes to nursery 3 days- I literally count down until Monday when I know I will get some type of break!!!!! X

@WithACatLikeTread she enjoys not working but also not spending 100% of her time with her kids. What is so hard to understand?

First thing to do is get some routine, look into general or toddler specific classes at the local swimming pool, tumble tots, signing for babies , play groups and Bounce and Rhyme at the library. Go to those, she'll probably drop off after the activity so take her for a walk and get yourself something to eat and drink at a cafe and have a flask and a coffee in the park. Home for lunch, light and not too messy craft in the pm like putting Cheerios on a piece of uncooked spaghetti, salt dough, mark making with crayons or an aqua draw. Spend some time reading, put some music on so you can have a dance, watch some Barney, then a nap. That'll be most of your day filled.

if you try to wing a day without some sort of plan then you'll feel like you wasted the day.

It is a fair question to be fair. No point staying at home if it something you don't enjoy.

You aren't a bad mum OP. 18 months is a difficult age. I used to feel the same when I worked part time, work was a break and my 2 days at home with my toddler at the time was hard. Friends were all in work and kids at school, so I was bored a lot of time and the days were long and I also felt guilty for feeling like that.

Things got much easier when we got the 30 hours free childcare when he turned 3 , he went to nursery full time which he loved and I went back to full time hours.

You are doing your best OP!! I found 18 months really tough. Each hour seemed to drag and I had no idea what to do with them. Time definitely went more quickly outside to trips to the park, museums, farms, swimming pool etc were great for killing time. I'm the house I used to go from room to room with them looking at different things. We had teddy picnics top. Also watched Cbeebies!
As they get older they become much easier. There are so many more things you can do with a 3 or 4 year old.

Do not fret! At that age it is a break for you to go to work. I was shocked when I returned and could drink a cup of tea in peace! It had been so long………

Your child is happy there, you like working so let her go

Also even take her in and have days off to yourself to get some peace

It really is ok not to love drudgery and toddlers 24:7 no one really does! It’s constant and at this age it’s totally understandable

Because there are bills to pay maybe 🙄

For me it feels a million times worse at home, take your kid out it feels loads better. Playgroup/softplay/playground/woods etc/big field with a ball. Let them be messy elsewhere and eat elsewhere then go home to a nice clean home for nap time. Works for me. Now mine are older I still take them out all the time and let them create food mess outside/in a restaurant (which I do contain and tidy the table etc at the end and they're not too messy now) but it feels so much easier than sitting inside with them.

Your ex needs to have set days and stick to them so you can get a proper break.

Little kids are hard work.

There is a reason many dads make excuses to work late or not try for 50 50 custody. Because its bloody hard. Those men will also be the first to tell you that you should be glad to have "time off" with the baby and pick up loads of domestic duties.

It's hard. Its easier to be at work. Work gives you the opportunity to take annual leave on your days off. Push your ex to either pay for half of nursery or have DD at weekends so you can take time off. He wont want as much custody as you expect and will say he cant do it as he has work. Well so do you. That is your bargaining chip. You both need to pay for childcare when noone is available to do it. He can reduce his hours same as you can. Time with you and time with nursery are not the only options.

It's not you failing. Little people are hard X

When my youngest was 18 months was a very low point for me. I felt very strongly that going back to work saved my sanity. It's not always going to be like this.

I think there's a lot to be said for working more when they are little and dropping your hours a bit once they start school. School plus lots of breakfast club and after school club can be a lot harder on a 4 year old than more nursery days are on a 2 year old, in my view.

I found around 18mo to be really hard work with both my kids - they can do some things, but not others, not big enough for many activities, too big for others, limited/developing language so you feel like you're talking loads with little conversation. Parenting is absolutely bloody relentless and that's before all this social media pressure of making memories, 1000 hours in nature, tuff tray activities etc etc etc. Not every day can be a joy, sometimes it's getting round ASDA and shoving cbeebies on so you can eat biscuits in peace.

She likes nursery, you like work, you'll both be fine with an extra day. All you can do is your best, and it sounds like you are doing s great job. You've got nothing to feel guilty about.

SAHM with a nanny sounds like a dream. 😂

I returned to work on ‘condensed’ hours when mine were 9 months old which meant one day a week with them at home with me. That was enough for me, work felt that a break from the monotony of looking after under 2/3s - and the loved nursery. Don’t feel bad, do what works for you, DD will be fine either way.

@Janetime can I ask ‘gently’ what this has got to do with you? Presumably their finances allow them to make these choices.

Can I ask gently why you don’t work if it is not something you enjoy?

It’s a tricky age, I had 2u2 and it felt like it lasted forever! What helped me was having something to ‘do’ on our days together. So a playgroup, swimming, a class or activity, just something to anchor the day around so you do something in the morning & get outside (always helped me, weather dependent) and then home for lunch (unless I felt brave and went to a cafe!) and then nap, and then usually home playing in the afternoon or out again if the sun was out. I’m not hugely routine driven but a place to be at X time gave the day some structure and I hated it less.

My DD LOVED nursery, she told us that she loved her teacher more than she loved us 🙄. As long as it’s a good quality nursery and she seems happy I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Dd was intense (noted by her nursery teacher as well) toddlers are bloody hard work.

I was a better mum when I got a break from the constant demands tbh, parents are often much more isolated than previous generations, we weren’t meant to raise kids like this and we don’t acknowledge enough how difficult it can be without the extra pair of hands around. We felt flat out exhausted and there were two of us.

OP, I echo everything that has already been said… it is HARD, and especially so if you are doing it all alone. Could your daughter start her 4 days a little bit sooner, while you are still working 3 days. That day could be for you to catch your breath and take a bit of time for yourself. Remember being a parent is a long-term project. You are going to need strength and energy. That means resting at times too, to help you carry on.

Hi op, I have a Lo same age and I find it such hard work. We are fortunate enough that we have a P/T nanny ... but I'm also a sahm. I do not enjoy this age AT ALL. The constant need to entertain or watch her just drains the soul out of me. I have an older child
and I just cannot wait till my baby gets to that age. I play with her, do breakfast, take her for a walk then hand her over to the nanny for a few hours and I feel like it's only then that I can breathe. I know that sounds extreme but not everyone enjoys it. And I recently had a chat with my older child's friends parents, and they also found it extremely hard. Lots of them roped in grandparents, nanny, or did extra days at nursery. Some of them were sahm too. So it really isn't that uncommon even though you feel like it. Those that worked said going to work is the much easier option.
I would honestly increase her to four days, keep the one day to yourself until you increase the work days and enjoy your 1 day to yourself. You're a single parent too, so the load is a lot on you. Take the time if you need it and don't feel bad.