To think a family member is being awful, although we’re living under their roof?

The points are fair enough.

How old is she OP?
If she is elderly some of this may just be down to an increasing lack of flexibility, tolerence and adaptability that old age brings.
BUT, it could also be an early indicator of cognitive decline. Impulse control is one of the development of the brain that happens last (as late as early 20s they’ve now found) and one of first bits of executive thinking skills to go in cognitive decline . Impulse control is also about not having a filter, and loosing inhibition.

im also concerned your own mental health is suffering and getting worse. Please do go to GP or health visitor and get an assessment for PND. this sometimes doesn’t develop until months after birth, and can be triggered by stress (like living in difficult circumstances) or someone constantly undermining your self esteeem.

Either way, it does sound like you need to leave asap. It’s worth one last effort to tell her how you feel though …don’t say “you make me feel” use “I”statements, such as “when you said/did this I felt this”. Start but discussing what you both wanted to get form the house sharing bit, ask her why she offered, find some common objectives first …she offered so they’ll be a motivation for it, ground the conversation in that motivation

Indeed.

She should just tell them that it's not working & they need to leave.

Just because you love someone dearly, it doesn’t mean you can live with them. Whilst it sounds like she made a very generous offer allowing you to stay, the reality of that isn’t quite the ‘freebie’ it was sold. Do not undervalue your mental health & wellbeing or risk further damaging the relationship with your grandparent by staying. I’d look for somewhere else because you can’t get these early days with your LO back.

A lot of people giving this woman the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds nasty! There's stress and then there's busy a horrible person. She shouldn't have called you fat, for example.

Honestly, I would move out asap. You sound a lovely couple and you have tried your very best, but she's upsetting you during those precious first moments with a baby... You'll never get that time back.

Don't ask her either about moving out, it's not her decision to make. Just say you're going and be on your way.

Is this helpful in any way

Well she must of known what she letting herself in for. If she’s someone’s grandmother she must be familiar with what having a baby around entails

That doesn't mean that she's not finding it hard though does it?

It's obviously also different when it's your house & your baby!

Well obviously!

I realise I've left off the bit that GM said no.

It's unlikely that she would say otherwise isn't it?

I voted YABU, only because it's clear this is an unworkable situation, and given what you know about your grandmother and her behaviour, you have no option but to leave and in fact, that's what you must to - she isn't nice, but she has no requirement to have you stay, and while it would be lovely if she was able to help you out in this way, she isn't willing to be reasonable, and therefore you need to leave.

It's also a poor time to make a significant career move resulting in less pay.

Your DP needs to pause the training and resume work so you can rent yourselves, and you can revisit when you return to work.

Yes, in the OP’s head she’s supposed to feel bad, apologise, and be extra-nice for months to come.

I’ve asked her if she’d like us to speak to my partners family to see if we can move out ASAP

Don’t force the decision into her-that’s mean. It’s not working and you know that. It won’t work at your in laws either if they are selling. Just move out and rent somewhere till September.

My guess is to guilt trip her grandmother.

I'd second this. Something has to give, and it can't be both incomes at the same time unless you love living with Gran. You don't, so you need a re think.

Well she must of known what she letting herself in for. If she’s someone’s grandmother she must be familiar with what having a baby around entails 🤷‍♀️ And I’m struggling to see why she would call someone fat unless she’s a bit mean spirited. How would she like it if someone called her a bad tempered old cow.

That said it is her house so I agree the only thing OP can do is move out.

This sounds very tough.

I do think moving out earlier than planned whatever it takes is the best route.

In the meantime, I'd spend as much time out of the house as you can op. Keep meals that you cook really really simple. Spend lots of time out during the day. Go for a walk, library, playgroups, children's centres, community warm spaces, etc. On an evening put baby to bed then get comfy upstairs too. Either watching something with headphones on or reading a book. This way you're having much less time and interaction with her.

If you move in with your in-laws you may find it a similar strain and if they are moving it sounds like it's not a good time to do that. I think even living in a tiny one bed rental temporarily somewhere you'd feel better mentally than your current situation!

Can you not stay with your partner's family for a bit? Summer's coming and you can hang out in the garden.

She may be old and she may well be finding it stressful but a grandmother has seen two generation rise and she is now on her third. There is no excuse for bitchiness and that is what her behaviour boils down to.

The baby is being a baby and it wouldn't kill her to remember what they're like. Or that they don't come with volume controls. My former neighbours had one and I got no sleep for months. Yet I didn't complain and pretend that all was rosy as there was no point. It was just a baby going what babies do. Now it's a teenager and playing it's music loudly but elsewhere

Your grandmother is not being kind. It's possible she just wanted one up on another family member or prime access to the baby.

Move.

Like everyone else on this thread OP , I think it’s time for you and your little family to move out. I feel sorry for all of you but I think you’ll be much happier living independently and just visiting your GM as opposed to lodging with her.

Why on earth did your partner decide that now was the time to retrain? He needs to be secure financially when you’re on mat leave, not moving in with family members when you’ve got a new baby.

My nan started saying very nasty things about weight to loved ones when she started to decline with dementia. Might be worth keeping an eye on things to see if you think that is a contributing factor (particularly if she wouldn't have made comments like that previously).

That is true. Also if it was possible to have a break, stay with other family or friends even for a weekend to take the pressure off. Even invest in a week away somewhere, with what is being saved on rent for months a week in a caravan or B&B could be a pressure release.

I’ve asked her if she’d like us to speak to my partners family to see if we can move out ASAP

Why would you do this?

You are adults, the situation isn't working for you, make your own decisions!

Honestly-what did you expect her to say?

I had this happening to me sometime ago- offered family members to move into mine while they sorted finances out. Oh it drove both parties up the wall in spite of both parties trying hard to be respectful. I felt a huge sense of relief when they moved out.

You need to try to move out as soon as possible. Not easy, I know, but I wonder why on earth she invited you to live there in the first place if she's that petty and easily upset.

It could be that she's struggling mentally and is unaware of how 'difficult' she is - what is she like with other people, with her day-to-day living or is this aggression and pettiness just aimed at your little family?

I'd be inclined to give her a very wide berth once you've moved out. Unless she has a mental health problem there's no excuse for her behaving like this. If she now realises she made a bad call inviting you to stay, then it should be discussed in a civilised way.

More than cover rent? It costs £1200 to rent a 2 bed flat down where I live (south). 3 bed house you’d be looking at £1500-1700. So no way does shopping food that they are presumably eating the most of compare! Of course they should clean, this isn’t a “cost”.