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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to carry out very basic DIY?

63 replies

NikkiMartin · 15/04/2024 23:44

How on earth do you get your respective OHs to pull their weight?

Presently want to shave my hair off, sell up and move to France - alone!

OP posts:
duende · 16/04/2024 06:53

NikkiMartin · 16/04/2024 00:02

My question is - how do you make someone care? :(

I couldn’t so I left. in January, after almost 20 years.

I became exhausted being the brain, the heart, the muscles, behind everything that had to happen in our family and our home.

CadyEastman · 16/04/2024 06:53

Does he always have problems executing things that he needs to do?

BMW6 · 16/04/2024 06:50

You can't make someone care about a particular thing OP.

You accept the person as they are - or not if the issue is crucial to you.

I'm sure there's issues that your dh cares about but you don't.

fieldsofbutterflies · 16/04/2024 06:50

NikkiMartin · 16/04/2024 00:02

My question is - how do you make someone care? :(

You can't.

ElleLeopine · 16/04/2024 06:49

NikkiMartin · 16/04/2024 00:02

My question is - how do you make someone care? :(

You can't. He either does or he doesn't.

Was he committed when you started this project, or was it all your idea?

What are your work situations?

DoreenonTill8 · 16/04/2024 06:46

NikkiMartin · 15/04/2024 23:50

I can and do lots of DIY. I've done 80% of it since we bought a fixer upper together. I do 100% of the planning, procurement etc.

Current situation: he has not been asked to do anything in about 6 months. NOTHING. During that time I've done an insane amount. There's an incredibly basic project I've asked him if he could get the materials for, and we'll do it together.

I've been asking for two months: have you got that list yet. I ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED! four bits of wood and a metal grate, all from B&Q! He keeps saying he'll do it and never does it. It's became a ridiculous situation!

Do I cave and never ask him to do anything again? How do I make him care?!

What's he been doing in this time? Are you both working full time and the.diy needs to be done in 'down time'? Is he sitting doing nothing while you work around him?

Coshei · 16/04/2024 06:46

Apart from the ridiculously vague opening post…why do people hope and expect that their partners will naturally develop an interest or affinity to something when they have clearly no passion for it. Tell him what he needs to do, and when. And maybe have a think if your DIY skills are good enough for the job as well. You don’t seem to be communicating well.

VestibuleVirgin · 16/04/2024 06:42

NikkiMartin · 15/04/2024 23:44

How on earth do you get your respective OHs to pull their weight?

Presently want to shave my hair off, sell up and move to France - alone!

I am going to South of France for a week in May. I will have a large glass of rose, a chunk of Roquefort and a baguette on your behalf!
😊

VestibuleVirgin · 16/04/2024 06:40

NikkiMartin · 16/04/2024 00:02

My question is - how do you make someone care? :(

Sadly, you cannot!

susiedaisy1912 · 16/04/2024 06:40

What does he do around the home op ?

travailtotravel · 16/04/2024 06:33

NikkiMartin · 15/04/2024 23:44

How on earth do you get your respective OHs to pull their weight?

Presently want to shave my hair off, sell up and move to France - alone!

I'm exactly the same. Planned to move South for a tiny bit more warmth.

fridaynightdinner12346 · 16/04/2024 06:31

Op I completely understand!! I'd love my bf to do some diy... I do 100% of cooking laundry cleaning dog walking etc. I'd just like some shelves put up or the heavy lifting in garden doing!

theGooHasGone · 16/04/2024 02:55

He clearly doesn't want to do DIY - in fact he's actively avoiding it.

I think the actual issue at play here is that you want him to do it because it means something to you, rather than because he wants to. You're probably setting yourself up for failure there, so you need to decide how important this really is to you.

Are you happy with other things he does? It sounds a lot like you just think he's lazy and idle which isn't great.

Guavafish1 · 16/04/2024 02:49

my partner is rubbish at DIY, so I don't ask him but pay someone else to do it

RawBloomers · 16/04/2024 02:43

You can’t make someone care, OP. If he isn’t into DIY you probably need to either suck it up and do it yourself or start pouring joint money into it and getting in professional help.

Does he pull his weight in other ways or is does he leave everything up to you?

caringcarer · 16/04/2024 01:39

Get him to cook, do laundry and clean whilst you do DIY if you can do it.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 16/04/2024 00:24

Yep, it's really bloody annoying. My husband is a builder and can turn his hand to most jobs. He does really fantastic work for his clients and is really in demand, just off customer recommendations. Can I get him to finish off the billion 'little jobs ' he's started around the house. No, I bloody can't !

HeddaGarbled · 16/04/2024 00:19

I know lots of people, male and female, who employ professionals rather than attempt jobs they know they won’t be able to do well, or don’t have time to do, or just don’t want to do.

It’s fairly clear he isn’t going to do DIY. Irritating if you didn’t know that before you bought the doer-upper, but you know now, so time for plan B.

AutumnFroglets · 16/04/2024 00:15

You can't make someone care. You can ask them to do something but if they don't then there is nothing you can do. Well, except for counselling to work out why, or accepting that you have a lazy/selfish/uncaring partner or you leave.

Does he do equal share of everything else?

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2024 00:15

NikkiMartin · 15/04/2024 23:50

I can and do lots of DIY. I've done 80% of it since we bought a fixer upper together. I do 100% of the planning, procurement etc.

Current situation: he has not been asked to do anything in about 6 months. NOTHING. During that time I've done an insane amount. There's an incredibly basic project I've asked him if he could get the materials for, and we'll do it together.

I've been asking for two months: have you got that list yet. I ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED! four bits of wood and a metal grate, all from B&Q! He keeps saying he'll do it and never does it. It's became a ridiculous situation!

Do I cave and never ask him to do anything again? How do I make him care?!

I am just reposting this from the op to help all the posters warming up their fingers to say don’t you know women can do diy too and you should learn.

crumblingschools · 16/04/2024 00:15

@SwordToFlamethrower have you actually read OP’s posts she has pretty much done all the projects so far

Codlingmoths · 16/04/2024 00:14

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/04/2024 00:12

Erm why can't you do some basic DIY? I do all the DIY in our house. My husband absolutely cannot handle it.

Very sexist to assume all men can or should do it, in the same way women and cooking/cleaning?

Erm she does just about all the DIY. She wants him to chip in.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/04/2024 00:12

Erm why can't you do some basic DIY? I do all the DIY in our house. My husband absolutely cannot handle it.

Very sexist to assume all men can or should do it, in the same way women and cooking/cleaning?

R41nb0wR0se · 16/04/2024 00:02

My DP is utterly hopeless at DIY, gardening and general cleaning. Luckily he's great at washing pots, doing bins and cat litter, plus really boring repetitive tasks, all of which I hate. I don't bemoan his shortcomings as, overall our division of labour seems fair. Plus I adore DIY and gardening.

Original poster
NikkiMartin · 16/04/2024 00:02

My question is - how do you make someone care? :(

OP posts: