To expect DH to carry out very basic DIY?

You don't. They have to be really interested in doing something to care about it.

Do you care about things you don't enjoy or have any interest in?

I really don't know how to do much in the way of DIY, so in our house my husband does most of that stuff. He doesn't have much interest in cooking, so I do most of that. Its nothing to do with our genders. It's because we have our own individual strengths and interests.

Not sure what shaving your hair off has to do with anything though!

If you've let it go on for two months while just nagging him it's not that important. I do all the repairs and diy as DH just isn't good with those things. He does other things I don't like to do as a trade-off(trash, mowing, car washes). Try something like that. If he's interested in doing nothing AT ALL to help out as a unit, well that's another kettle all together

My XH enjoyed doing DIY. Unfortunately he wouldn't lift a finger to do anything else whatsoever, and thought that putting up a set of shelves, painting a wall and building a bookcase over five years equated to looking after the kids 24/7, cooking, cleaning, gardening, washing, and shopping for the duration.

He's an ex and I now do my own DIY even though I hate it and am very bad at it. It's still easier than putting up with a tosser.

I do everything myself and all my diy painting fittings etc.
I learned myself with books and youtube.

I thought that ideas of oh this is my responsibility, this is my home, my own place - that would kick in and give a sense of urgency or basic motivation about a home's upkeep

If he's not interested at this early stage then it's never going to happen. I've been married to someone for thirty years with this cba attitude and it's soul destroying (and yes, itwas him who wanted a fixer upper, not me). Time to put your cards on the table, find out what each of you want from the future esp if you are planning in children and do a proper division of labour.

I can see you posting in a few years because he's expecting you to do everything after maternity leave including holding down a full time job.

That's a very common situation I think, when our daughter had just started school her teacher daddy wouldn't listen to her read because he'd being doing that all day!

Many years ago when plumbing in a washing machine was a complicated job, before plastic fittings and so on, our neighbour was a plumber. His wife invited me round for coffee and when I got there and we'd got our coffee she switched off the water, got out a hacksaw and cut through the pipes under the sink! 'Now maybe he'll get round to plumbing in our washing machine'. I forget the outcome.
My brother is an electrician, it wasn't uncommon to see bare wires poked into sockets because he hadn't got round to putting a plug on the end.

Did you sit down prior to buying the fixer-upper and discuss the work that needed doing: what tasks, what order, how they’d be shared, timeframes etc? Was he enthused at the time and has just gone off the idea as reality hits home, or - as your last post maybe suggests - you just assumed he’d want to do all the work once you owned the place? Could it be that you were really enthusiastic about the idea and he just went along with it? If he’d said upfront he wasn’t that keen on the work involved, would you still have gone ahead and bought it?

My DP hates DIY. And I am rubbish at it...
We pay a handy man.

What is he doing when you are doing the DIY?

Your friend's husbands do things that are important to them. DIY is not important to your husband and you cannot make it so. Now, be honest, when you were planning to buy a fixer-upper, was it mostly your idea?

I had the opposite problem: my ex thought he was fantastic at DIY. It was truly awful, I used to come home from work to find a wall knocked down, or all the skirting boards removed. He damaged our house structurally so much that I had to reduce the selling price after I'd kicked him out.

Get someone in to do the things you can't do, OP. And consider how much of a dead weight your DH is.

Does he pull his weight in other ways?

If I posted what you did about DP, I'd probably get a kicking, because in my case the sexes are reversed.

But it would be a justified kicking, because she more than makes up for her lack of DIY in other ways. Is your husband the same, or is he equally lazy with everything?

My husband is the same. Some people have zero interest in diy / taking things apart / fixing things etc. There’s nothing internally motivating them to do it. It’s hard for them to care enough to find the energy or inclination. You’re expecting him to want to proactively do these things (or be nagged into it) but he simply doesn’t want to. So you need to accept that if you want it done, you’ll need to do it or hire someone.

@NikkiMartin i have done all the diy in our houses for over 40 years!! i can paper and paint, lay wooden floors, fully tile bathroom walls and floors and I can even repair washing machines!!! it is fulfilling and think how much you save! my hubby was banned from even painting after he went to a cottage we were moving into and painted an internal door with white emulsion!!!

My DH does zero DIY, I do it all. He hates it and has a psychological block against it. He will claim he thinks things don't need doing, everything is perfect as it is, etc. When we were first married I tried to get him to help but it just led to misery for everyone so I stopped.

However he does a lot of other things. He does almost all the driving, the bins, the dishwasher every single time, cooks, cleans, walks the dog, mows the lawn, makes my bed every day, etc. He's definitely not lazy.

I think for a lot more men than we realise DIY is caught up with complicated feelings about inadequacy, masculinity, childhood memories which may not be good ones, etc. Being good at DIY can be a toxic masculinity thing in a way that women just don't tend to be exposed to.

What does he do? If he’s doing his fair share but cooking, cleaning etc etc then it’s about playing to strengths.

if he’s a lazy fucker…that’s a different issue.

OP said there is an unequal division of labour. I assumed this meant in all household tasks, not just DIY.

Sounds to me like he doesn't like DIY.

Why is it that people seem unable to read the OP’s responses on thread? She has already clarified that he does things around the house, but that he doesn’t seem to want to get involved with the DIY work.
There is a weird and unhealthy obsession with advising posters to leave their spouses on this site.

my friends seem to have partners that will happily try to do things that are important to them.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this. What you are really asking is "how do I find out what's important to him?" Or "how do I make things important to him that aren't now?"

Have you tried asking him why he doesn't want to divide tasks more equitably, and / or if there are other things he'd rather do? Maybe he'd prefer to go shopping and do the cooking than go to B&Q?

I know a few men who are useless at DIY, but great cooks.

I have one of these and if it gets to the point of nagging I’d rather not and just say rather sweetly that I can find a tradesperson to come and fix it/do the work if he is too busy and 🫰 just like that, suddenly he wants to do the job 😆

You can’t make someone care.

I asked DH months ago to put some shelves up in our room. I bought everything. It’s ready to go. Yesterday i was wfh so on my lunch break I just did it myself. Followed instructions. Watched a couple of YouTube videos. Did it. Learned a new skill.

OP you should delete this thread and start a new one that explains your actual problem. All you'll get is pages of people telling you you're being sexist and that everyone has different strengths which is not actually what your post is about. You're not even asking him to do the task, just get the materials. The only thing I can suggest in terms of improvement is that you sit down with with him and tell him seriously that you feel he doesn't care that it's all on you, that it feels like he is putting his own comfort and leisure above your efforts to create a home for you both.

He doesn't want to do the shopping. So he isn't doing it

He knows that ultimately you'll do everything and anything so he simply waits

He doesn't care, he doesn't need to care because you buckle down and sort everything

Hes a selfish waste of space who doesn't care about you

You can't make someone into who you want them to be