It’s always me-am I the scapegoat of the family?

So after the experience I was just explaining above I’ve thought that a lot too. It’s hard when you genuinely feel like you are just being yourself, trying to get along with everyone and still you seem to be some kind of scapegoat. If it’s friends I guess you can move on but it’s harder to give up on family.

Well it really started with them talking about my Ds saying that he is too much of a joker and doesn’t know when to stop sometimes and they were getting irritated, not that he had said anything rude or inappropriate, just silly kid things. My DH’s family are big jokers so I’m guessing that’s how he expects to interact with grandparents and even actually connect with them. I can see if you’re not used to it it might be irritating and I always talk to him if if I feel like it’s a bit much but you would think grandparents who see their grandchildren very infrequently would be fairly tolerant of a bit of silly banter.

Obviously hearing your kid criticized is not going to bring out the best in any mother, especially when I didn’t feel he’d done anything truly wrong. Plus even if your grandkid is the most irritating kid in the world it’s not exactly appropriate for his grandparents, aunts, and uncles to be sitting slagging him off in a pub within his hearing. Meanwhile, my sister’s kids can do no wrong. Part of the reason he’s such a joker is he’s very sensitive underneath and I could see he was devastated. I was so angry I didn't say much but did make it very clear how I felt and we left. No apology the next day just that pretending nothing happened thing. I do speak to them on the phone in a fairly normal way but honestly can’t face going back to visit again. I am just not sure what I could really have done differently.

This is really helpful, thanks.

OP, it's the same for me. I've always been quiet and I've never been a "problem", but I'm always the scapegoat, treated badly, etc. I often wonder 'why me?' because I really don't understand it. I don't go out of my way to treat others badly. But they do it to me and they go about life as if nothing has happened. They get everything they want too. I just don't get it.

I'm not sure I can put my finger on the root of the problem in your case, but I would say from experience try to address it in a calm way because there is a chance it will end up exploding on you. It's the same in my family for me but I have a good idea why, mainly because I am the most "successful" one of the siblings, in that I'm the one with the good qualifications and who moved somewhere nice and am very financially secure, so out of some kind of reverse snobbery I get picked on. I usually just ignore it because I don't see my family that often and I want it to be nice.

It all went wrong last time I went to see them though, mainly because we'd been there a while and just spent too much time together and also a big drinks promotion at the local pub. I was driving but everyone else had too much to drink and the little digs just ended up going far too far, mainly because some of it ended up being directed at my kids, I got so upset that I finally said something, there was a big argument, which wasn't helped by everyone else being drunk, and now I haven't been back to see them in almost a year. I just think maybe if I'd said something before maybe things wouldn't have blown up like that, I know it's hard to know how to bring it up though.

No idea re psychology but next time suggest you just make puzzled face and say "what was that?" as if you didn't hear, or "Really?" like wtf that's a juvenile/weird/ridiculous thing to say. Raise your eye brows continue to look puzzled and then go silent. Suspect a gentle calling out rather than an emotional response might be more powerful as a way to try and stop the behaviour. Good luck, don't let him get you down & you take back the power - it's only worth picking on someone (which is what it sounds like is happening) if it gets a response

No advice really but lots of sympathy. I’m in a similar position, middle girl and also the most rebellious as a teenager and also not really conventional now in that my sisters are both married with children. I’m separated with one with ADHD and even his cousins notice how different grandparents are with him, blaming him for everything etc.

The worst part for me is that my dad is generally difficult but my mum is lovely to my sisters and awful to me. My theory is that I remind her of him and they have a terrible relationship. Weirdly he favoured me as a young child and I think she now tries to compensate even though now he’s harshest to me.

sorry turned into a rant but I do really feel for you as it’s tough and I know it’s hard to explain without people seeing the dynamics.

He makes you self conscious and vaguely guilty for ordinary things. Why he does it isn’t as important as THAT he does it. He centers himself as a victim to n tuny ways. Look up covert narcissism—see if that resonates. The important thing is that you can’t get a reasonable, historical, explanation for this behavior. So accept that. Look at understanding THAT it happens and WHEN it happens so you can orotect yourself and your dd.

You aren’t me so strategies I would use might not be available to you but I would

1. watch his behavior like you are an anthropologist from mars.

2. Pick your battles.

3. Create an all purpose demeaning humerous comment (and follow it with “just kidding” and a wide smile.)

Possibilities: sorry you are confused Dad.

Sorry you felt left out Dad.

Sorry I didn’t ask permissionDad

etc…

In any uncomfortable silence jump up and restore the group’s function by saying “Oh Dad don’t be ridiculous! Or “don’t be awkward.”

My goal would be to be quite subtly rude in some way they can barely tolerate or describe.

were you a "problem child" when you were younger? did you rebel more than the others?

Was he saying he was unhappy you moved closer to him? If so that’s definitely horrible.

Have recently come across this chap on Instagram and he speaks sense. He takes situations such as you describe and gives 3 ways of tackling the issue.

https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher/

Could be any number of reasons really, we don’t know your family or you so it’s hard to tell you.

Jealousy maybe of you, is intimidated by you maybe. Whatever the reason is, it won’t be logical or nice.

Family dynamics are weird.

Anyway, if people are making you feel bad and you don’t like it. Either tell them directly or choose not to be around them.

It does sound horrible though and I’m glad you stuck up for your daughter.