To scrap ‘evening’ invitations to weddings

And also you still have potential to cause offence (and instigate a thread on MN) if you just don’t invite people.

I don't think they should be 'banned' - and I say this as someone who had a small wedding with no evening do.

People do need to have sensible expectations, though - they shouldn't expect guests to travel/stay overnight for an evening do, or provide a gift - a card should be enough for evening guests.

There is nothing wrong with having 'tier two' attendees - no one is equally close to all their friends and family - but the B&G may need to exercise diplomacy by applying the same approach to each category of person - e.g. work colleagues and neighbours = evening do; family = whole thing.

Its not really a thing in Australia - you have a wedding, one meal, one event. Frankly, this inviting of some and not others and different events is batshit. Designed for sad people who think in Instagram not real life

Yes, fine. Go for it.
I'm just looking at the issue of the levels of friendship and offence as pp have said.

Agree

Because it would be fun and I have a limited budget?

That's fine. Like I said, invite who you want, when you want. It just seems that people have significant disposable incomes to spend on these huge weddings and I wonder why they don't invite everyone they want to, but it's a personal choice.

I'm wondering why people are inviting work colleagues or neighbours? Invite those dear yo you to your wedding.

People often book weddings years in advance and it’s a huge topic of conversation for them. So if you’re having a “big do” and want a party that continues into the evening, then it can be nice to say to people locally “come and see us/have a drink with us to celebrate). As I said upthread, where it’s done well, it can be a really nice atmosphere; all your work colleagues come, they all know each other, it’s a party that you can all talk about at work for years to come. It’s where it gets to the level of “my friend Sarah is invited all day, but her husband can only come in the evening” or “I was at university with Katy, Beth and Lucy, but I’ve only invited Lucy in the evening as she lives miles away and I don’t see her that much” that it gets to the point where it causes irritation or offence.

Well, people must do what suits them. I don't judge. If you can't afford a big wedding, that's no shame - have a small one.
If you want 100 people, invite them! I just don't understand a two parter, but hey. Whatever suits.

Why invite her for a drink, a partial participation?
I'm just trying to understand why people feel that there are two tiers, that's all.

@Merrymouse agree 💯

You can’t invite everyone to your wedding! And of course there are degrees of friendship /acquaintanceship — your close friend of 30 years is going to be on a different level to ‘neighbour from your last house of whom you are mildly fond and who had you as an evening guest at their wedding’ or ‘school friends you stay in touch with and like but aren’t that close to any more’..

I mean, I don’t see how any of this is controversial. Many Mners are terribly insecure about friendships.

A traditional French wedding is the other way round. Everyone to the church. Fewer for the champagne reception. Then just close friends and family to the sit down meal. So the party gets bigger not smaller. (A big like a royal wedding!) Always causes a lot of confusion when non-French people don’t understand. I think this is dying out though. And the civil ceremony is usually low-key and the day before.

But there is a difference between being designated ‘friend in circle 2b’ and understanding that your neighbour wants you to come along and share a drink but can’t pay for a sit down meal.

No, surely if you value people, you invite them to your wedding? I'm just looking at pp comments about tiers of friendship, and that's what it looks like. I had a colleague get married last year
She told all of us it was close friends and family only. Fine. No-one was offended, we understood.
She didn't create a second level for us.
I'm just understanding why some get offended.

Just a nice way of including people not in your close circle, but whom you still value. I don’t think evening guests give more than a token present, if that, so it’s not going to swell the coffers.

Because they want to have a big party?

Legally a wedding is just the couple, the officiant and 2 witnesses.

Everything else is personal choice.

People have different sized families, different sized groups of friends and different expectations of what a wedding should be. Why should they conform to a particular expectation?

The normal social rules should apply and there will obviously be situations where people will be offended, but there is no one size fits all way to avoid that.

I had a small wedding, 30 guests, and a bigger evening do. It was fun. People got dressed up it was in the centre of town where we all lived. Our friends were the band, the food was good. I don’t think people were offended.

I wouldn’t travel or put myself out for an evening do but I’ve been to a few that were fun colleagues, old uni friends. I like them.

I'm wondering why people are inviting work colleagues or neighbours? Invite those dear yo you to your wedding. Others will understand. I do suspect it's for the extra gifts and money (for some).

The real question should be 'why are we continuing this outdated, expensive, competitive, practice?'
Given the threads on wedding trauma regarding who to invite, where to sit them, not upsetting aunty mags by sitting her within 4 miles of cousin janet's ex-husband's uncle's ex-wife..., why???!!!!

Had exactly the same conversation years ago when planning our own wedding.

We invited everyone all day! No evening guests, didn’t want to put anyone on the ‘b’ list, hated the idea we’d cause offense.

FWIW I’ve declined evening invites as I just couldn’t be bothered with it all. Not offended but just realised I hadn’t made the ‘cut’ so decided I’d rather spend money elsewhere!

A party which usually costs a lot to attend once you've factored in travel, possible overnight accomodation, a gift, possibly a babysitter. And most of the other guests will have been there all day once you arrive. Just sounds like more hassle than it's worth.

I said YANBU because I misread the question and thought the OP was talking about her wedding, not weddings in general.

Of course other people can decide what to do at their own wedding.

my and my bf, now dh were invited to an evening reception, we went to the church, booked a hotel, and disappeared for the afternoon after the church, and then appeared in the evening.
we had no idea that we should have been insulted.
another friend invited us to his wedding and then said do you want to come to the wedding or just the evening! and we said wedding. completely oblivious.
life was easier.

I think its fine when they are used appropriately- eg your neighbours or work colleagues