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Original poster

To feel pissed off at DH comment

135 replies

Claphamandeggs · 15/04/2024 17:12

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

DH never remembers people's birthdays or dates really. I've been at work all day, while looking after 4 year old (inset day at school) at home (didn't book it off) and had to do a million and one things, (haircut for kid, take older one to after school class) - all while pretending to be on it with work and emails

I spotted on FB that it was FIL birthday. I messaged DH at 3pm today saying "Just FYI it's your dads birthday today".

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Would this wind you something silly? I didn't say anything but feel fuming. We are meant to be trying to fix thigns and things like thist just make me feel like pulling the plug. Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
LittlePudding1 · 15/04/2024 17:42

I would be absolutely fuming about this and would tell him that I would never be reminding him about anything ever again and I would stick to it 100%

You're not his PA!

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:42

@Janetime @ElaineMBenes
No I'm female. But in my family we don't have a "your father - your responsibility - nothing to do with me" set up. My FIL is very much a part of my family and on his birthday I will gladly be the one to wish him a happy birthday from everyone.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/04/2024 17:39

What a fucking dickhead.

TheDayBeforeYouCame · 15/04/2024 17:38

ExH used to do this. Note ex.

Lovely DH sorts out his own side of the family and our joint friends. Apparently I have enough to do. He does always remind me in case I want to send a personal message. And I do because his DM obviously brought him up well and I admire that. He has also trained our DC so hopefully one day I will have DILs who appreciate the same.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/04/2024 17:38

The bit that jumps out at me is

I didn't say anything but feel fuming.

Why wouldn’t you say anything? Is that a pattern or a one-off? If your partner has been out of order and upset/pissed you off you need to say so and explain why.

Sparklfairy · 15/04/2024 17:37

'It's your dad, not mine. If you feel bad that should probably tell you something, because it is in fact shitty you forgot, and then you have the nerve to try and blame me.'

I wouldn't even care if it's sniping or petty. He doesn't get to make jibes at you and call it a joke, and what? He just gets away with it?

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:37

@YeahComeOnThen I wasn't suggesting the OP should need to remember for him, I very clearly wrote "shared", as in, they share it, they both put things on it that they want to remember.

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 17:33

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

Are you having a laugh? 'They are EQUALLY as snippy/as much to blame.' WTAF?! It's 100% the OP's husband's fault. She is in no way to blame for this shit. FGS! Hmm

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/04/2024 17:33

Fuck him. Never remind him of anything again, his problem.

ElaineMBenes · 15/04/2024 17:32

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

Just no.

His dad, his responsibility.

Janetime · 15/04/2024 17:32

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

Wtaf, why should she call him. She’s not a]his secretary. I’m assuming you’re male?

SabreIsMyFave · 15/04/2024 17:31

What an arsehole. No wonder you're having marriage issues. I know many men do love to blame anyone else but themselves for anything that goes wrong/doesn't go their way (and the wife is often blamed the most for things that are NOT her fault...) But there's no WAY it was your fault. It is his dad not yours. Fecking eejit!

Janetime · 15/04/2024 17:30

wow, I can see why you’re off, but not the on. What a dickhead.

londonloves · 15/04/2024 17:30

If you don't leave him for this, and all it represents about how he views you, this should at the very least be the absolute LAST TIME EVER that you remind him about anything to do with his family or do a single piece of life admin for him. Fucker. I'd have been furious. I am furiuos on your behalf. And the "helpful wife thing" comment - what a condescending dick.

YeahComeOnThen · 15/04/2024 17:30

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

@HoHoHoliday
Equally HE could remember his own Dads Birthday or get organised with his own fucking calendar.

JFC

Iloveacurry · 15/04/2024 17:30

He should remember it himself, instead of being passive aggressive with you.

Maray1967 · 15/04/2024 17:29

Mine would seriously regret it if he said that.

I’ve had to train him not to assume I’m dealing with his side of the family. I’ll sort out the kids’ birthdays (only 2) but adults are his responsibility. I hold him that there will be no more reminders of those. He had the last one last year - cue quick dash into town to sort out his DM’s 80th.

I have reminded him that my DB does our side, not my SIL. I’m well impressed by SIL who sorted that out from the start.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/04/2024 17:28

Being a helpful wife, you could point out that he has a magic tool in his hand that lets him set reminders years in advance. After that, you're done - and any comments about future dates 'That's what you've got a phone for' (shrug).

DanceMove · 15/04/2024 17:28

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

The OP was doing her DH a favour by reminding him. She doesn't need to pussyfoot around explaining that she's only just found out about the birthday in case he blames her (as he did!) for not telling him sooner!

YeahComeOnThen · 15/04/2024 17:28

Pull the plug & stick it up his arse!

Foxblue · 15/04/2024 17:25

It's not your job to remind him of his own father's birthday.
I don't care if he's 'crap at dates' he was texting you off a phone he could set a reminder on.
I don't care if you've always done it so he expects you to do it.
I don't care if he's got undiagnosed adhd and struggles with these things, because it's still not okay to be an arsehole to you about you not doing something that HE SHOULD BE IM CHARGE OF HIMSELF!
How dare he, honestly. What a dick.

HoHoHoliday · 15/04/2024 17:25

He has presumed you knew about the birthday but only reminded him late in the day? It sounds like you missed out the key detail to him which was that you only realised when you saw it on facebook.

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?"

Equally, his response to you could have been "thanks for flagging that up, I'd completely forgotten it was dad's birthday, I'd better call him, better late than never."

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better.

And you could get a shared calendar for remembering people's birthdays and other important events!

BettyShagter · 15/04/2024 17:23

You sent your own message to your FIL though, yes?

Ignore your DP, he's being a prick.

Floofydawg · 15/04/2024 17:23

Knittedfairies2 · 15/04/2024 17:15

That's the last time I'd be 'helpful'. Why is it your job to remember his dad's birthday?

Yeah, just don't tell him next time. Not your job to do his thinking for him.

BabySnarkDoDoo · 15/04/2024 17:21

Yeah that's shit of him. Even if he's not the best with dates, technology makes it so easy to set reminders. It's pure laziness on his part and blaming you allows him to avoid taking responsibility.