To feel pissed off at DH comment

You are both snapping at each other, overreacting, over-sensitively reading more than is there. Hopefully the upcoming counselling will help you both communicate with each other better

@HoHoHoliday you are completely wrong. you do realise that sometimes things are just one persons fault? He's completely in the wrong here. Unequivocally. She is not overreacting, or being over sensitive. So far she hasn't reacted at all. What's your agenda to make this her fault too? And this

Your message to him could have said something like "Just FYI I've just seen on facebook it's your dad's birthday today, have you got time to call him or shall I call from both of us?

While she is working, looking after children, doing drop offs, haircuts, life admin, are you for real? Maybe she should have offered to wipe his arse as well?

He's sobbing about splitting up the family, but in three weeks hasn't bothered to make an appointment with a marriage counsellor to try and fix it?

What HAS he done to fix the marriage?

Entitled Twat Syndrome sums it up nicely.

What a dickhead.

Sorry OP but I think it's a lost cause!

I’m really sorry to hear this - it must be so frustrating and heartbreaking for you. To be honest for me in your position it would be cards on the table and I’d be saying I’m calling one of two people in the morning: a therapist or a solicitor.

If you both have something to fight for; for each other, not just the kids or house, actually because you love each other then maybe short term therapy can break through. But if you know deep down this isn’t going to get better then I’d tend to agree with the other posters and say you deserve to be happy and not second guessing yourself and how your mood is taken and frazzling out over petty stuff everyday. You’re allowed to be sensitive about your own life and you’re allowed to be upset about thing without shouldering all the blame.

he doesnt want us to split. He was sobbing and sobbing a few weeks back when I said it felt like only option

He sounds very manipulative.

My ex used to do all the ‘just messing’ or ‘it was a joke, can’t you take a joke?’ comments if I ever pulled him up on his unreasonable behaviour. It left my confidence in tatters and I constantly doubted myself.

In the end he slept with someone else so I didn’t have to make the decision to walk away but I often wonder why I put up with it for so long. Looking back it’s because of the subtle way he kept making the comments. It was definitely gaslighting (before that word was around).

Now married to a man who is quite straight forward! Says what he thinks and isn’t afraid to apologise if he gets it wrong. You don’t have to put up with this.

as he says he finds it upsetting

He's conditioning you to do what he wants.

But he says I need to try to be "less sensitive"

As above. He's training you in what you can and cannot say and do.

Does he ever take responsibility for anything?

Please be careful about the couples counselling. Hopefully, if you do go, your counsellor will be experienced enough to recognise this kind of relationship and help you

Put your counselling money towards a solicitor instead OP.

Don't waste another minute of your life dealing with this shit.

All the energy you're spending on feeling enraged by him, trying to "make it work", wondering if you're right/wrong - it's all wasted.

Use your energy instead to move towards freedom and light. When that burden lifts, your life will start anew.

We haven't booked counselling actually as I said he needs to organise it because I do so much but also because he will be skeptical about the therapist if I find them! And guess what....Still nothing booked despite us agreeing 3 weeks ago we needed to if we were to stand a chance!

That would tell me hhow little he cares. Sorry he's like this.

Going to play devils advocate and say that if this is just a snapshot of you both at the end of your tethers and falling into sniping (which we all do from time to time; life happens). IF he’s actually a decent guy (maybe careless with his words and clearly forgetful) and you actually do love him and this is a case of a good relationship going through the wringer of life with kids and jobs etc etc.

Then maybe just try a clean slate tonight. When the kids are in bed just sit down and don’t talk about this tiny throwaway clash today but instead talk about why you want to keep going. For one night focus on what you like about each other instead of all the tiny things you can’t stand. Try and find that common ground again. It might give you both a new page to start fresh and do the therapy or it might make you realise you’ve grown too far apart. But either way you’ll know where you stand and you can cut through all the BS of who said what/ how they said it. This isn’t about his dads birthday, it’s about how you see one another and that’s what you need to discuss.

DH got home and said "no much use doing the helpful wife thing on 3pm on the day". He said it a little light-heartend but also not so much. I said "well i thought you could at least send him a message" - he said "well, it's a bit rubbish isn't it, just made me feel bad, if you're going totry to be helpful like that try a couple of days before next time". I said "come on" and he pulled the "only messing about chill out" line.

Fuuuuuuucking hell. "Only messing about" me fucking hole. Do you want to salvage a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

This. And if he's like this a lot, perhaps don't waste money on marriage counselling tbh. He sounds like a dick.

Never ever give him the heads up on anyone's birthday or special occasion ever again, let him look like the bad guy.

You're not causing as many issues as I would!

Just don’t ever bother again.

Tell him to fuck off. And grow up.

Thing is. You've probably being doing this for as long as you've been together. Judging from his words. I wouldn't put up with this and don't. If my partner forgets birthdays, that's it. A few occasions where he's forgotten, he's felt like shit, bought a calendar and so remembers in future.
Just like I do. Like normal grown adults.
Put him in the bin op.

What an entitled arse. Who does he think you are - his PA?

Couldn’t agree more with this.

Life is too short for this draining crap. From the short exchange in your OP, it doesn’t sound like he’s making much effort to improve your relationship.

Are you his Personal Assistant or something?

YANBU - he is a man child

I'm afraid this would bring out the passive aggressive in me.

I'm so sorry, DH. Really didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just thought you could have sent a message or something, it really didn't occur to me that it would make you feel guilty for being such a shit son. I should have realised, but don't worry, from now on, I will definitely ensure that I don't interfere in any of your family events, as I do recognise that they really have nothing to do with me.