To feel pissed off at DH comment

Yeah just don't remind him next time

As demonstrated, it's not worth it

Well you definitely need counselling because this relationship has soured for sure.

Is it possible for you to try to not get dragged into the small things like this and keep the pressure on to get a therapist.

This all sounds horrible and a deeply unpleasant way to live. I hope counselling shows you a way through either together or by agreeing to separate.

I can relate though. Myself and DH were like this years ago. We got a lot of help and came through it and have a strong happy marriage. I look back now though and know that if we had split I would have been happier than I was with him when we were so unhappy together.

Good luck, I hope things get better.

I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even buy his parents a birthday card. They sound so lovely too.
He’s a selfish, thoughtless miserly tightwad.

@Octomama Yes, to answer your question, I do realise sometimes things are just one person's fault. But I also realise sometimes things are no one's "fault", and in this case, as I explained in my post, I think this is two people not communicating well with each other, and I encouraged the counselling to help with that. I gave an example of how each of them could have phrased their comments differently, though you've chosen to only quote one of them.
The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. You don't need to argue with comments on a thread because you don't agree with them. That's the purpose of these threads - to get different views.

He sounds awful! I would never remind him of anything ever again

No wonder he is annoyed with you - you failed in your marital duty!

I used to remind my OH about his family's birthdays etc. and gently nudge him when he had not contacted them for a long time. Then I thought - fuck it - why am I doing this? So I stopped.

No way I’d be pussy footing round asking a grown man ‘if they have time’ to phone their Dad on his birthday!

He didn't bother remember his own father's birthday and he's pissed off that you've made him feel bad by reminding him of it - but NOT EARLY ENOUGH?

If you ever get to your first session, bring this up, plus all the other life admin stuff which always falls to you because he can’t be arsed, including not getting round to booking counselling!

I'd be so fucked off with "I'm only joking, chill out" I think I'd have lost it at that point..

I had conversations like this with my ex for 3 years. Three extra years of my life wasted trying to save something with someone who was never going to change and ultimately just made all the right noises to prevent me calling it a day.

I am so much happier on my own and he still doesn't think of anyone but himself, but now I don't have to live with it.

I haven’t read all the comments so someone may have posted this already but this blog post sprang to mind…
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

yanbu about his comment. He sounds insufferable. I’d be telling him no more reminding full stop.

Well, then I hope he gets his act together and books some counselling. Because from the outside, it looks like he just can't be bothered. And yes, as PP said: manipulative.

He even has you basically now agreeing that you should be less sensitive.

First step, tell him you don’t know how your relationship can survive when you’re more of a mother than a lover to him because you end up parenting him. Second step make a massive list of all the tasks you do, then a teeny tiny list of the tasks he does, and ask him to take half of your list and add it to his. Maybe then he’ll start realising how much you do and how unsexy this parent child dynamic is.

I like my FIL, he's never been anything but lovely to me, welcoming me into the family, introducing other (obscure) relatives and so on. Been married to his son c30 years.

Haven't a fucking clue when his birthday is, not a scooby. Why would I need to? DH knows it and arranges card/present accordingly. And gives me some warning if he is planning to arrange a lunch/dinner etc.

He's a twat and he only said that because he felt guilty.
But you're not helping yourself by reminding him because you're setting the expectation in him that its "your" job.
Stop reminding him. Not your problem at all.

Yes I'd be annoyed and upset. It's up to him to remember his dads birthday

I hope you're going to cancel the anniversary booking; let him find an alternative. If he doesn't, you'll at least know where you stand.

Tell him you've cancelled the fancy meal and you're going to spend the money on the divorce instead.

You are asking for sooooooo little from this man and he's still not giving anything to your relationship; what's the point?

He’s a knob - but I get it as I always send the cards for both families and buy presents - wish I’d never started as it’s just expected now.

I don't blame you for being completely worn down by it. Lack of respect. Lack of care and concern. I think these are things that cause relationships to fail miserably.

Well, I'd say this is a sign of the much bigger problems. He can say he's "just messing about" all he likes. But even in this short bit of info you've provided, it's clear that the issue here is that he expects you to do everythig from both a practical, mental and emotional level and is pissed off when he is asked to step up. And you are naturally exhuasted by that because let's face it, when we get married we don't expect that to mean we're now a 24/7 mum and PA to a perfectly capable adult.

To give you some context, if DH forgot his dads birthday and I reminded him at 3pm, his response would be, "Oh shit, I forgot. thank you sooo much for the reminder. Calling him right now. Shall i suggest we take him out for dinner next week as a belated celebration?"

Yes I'd be very annoyed. When DH says annoying things like this, I like to just not reply - so that the stupid thing he said are the last words spoken, hanging in the air. Perhaps a sceptical, mildly questioning look on my face as I watch him realise he's been a pratt. Doesn't happen often.

Fuck that!!! Who does he think he is!

Do not remind him of anything. Natural consequences of being a fuck faced douche wagon.