To feel pissed off at DH comment

It sounds like you need to be 100% clear. As in, "DH, we are breaking up, because your lack of kindness and respect has worn me down. I no longer see you as a husband, but as a child who I have to look after. This is not attractive to me and it does not feel like a partnership. When I raised this before, you said you would like to try counselling to see if we can resolve things, and I agreed to this. However, weeks have passed and you've done nothing towards this. Therefore, I can only conclude that it is not important to you. So we're done."

Don't back down. If he wanted to try to save the marriage, he would have organised counselling and made an effort to show you he cares. Instead he just cried and decided that would be just enough to keep you ticking over.

It's possible that he will suddenly decide to step up and do what you've asked. Then it's up to you whether you're willing to try again.

I promise I'm not laughing at you OP but this really made me laugh.

And I completely agree. Time to start getting things in order x

Wtf?

Shall she call? Is she his secretary?

The poster who said that he sounds like a nightmare, is spot on.

I've only read the OP.

I would've chosen violence.

Urgh he sounds awful. Time to call it a day. Actions speak louder than words and he's failed to book a restaurant for your anniversary, failed to sort out counselling and his answer to you helpfully pointing out his dads birthday is to berate you. No thanks!

Sorry actually commenting again because he has wound me right the fuck up. Babe you’re asking a man to change his personality. yes he understaaaands when you threaten to leave - of course he does! If you walk away from him what does that say about him? He’s not going to let that happen so he appeases you. Temporarily. Because nobody can change their personality.

can I hazard a guess? During the first bit of your relationship he was great. Then over the years he’s become lazy and complacent. But if you actually think about it and allow yourself to admit it he’s manipulative. He does something wrong, and when you react you’re the one starting the argument? He says something rude and when you get upset he tells you you’re always too sensitive. When he lets you down, somehow it always gets turned back to how you’re making him feel bad. he’s gaslighting you and you’re going to waste your time hoping therapy is going to somehow make him see the light and make him stop gaslighting you because it should and could be so easy! But he won’t. It’s a personality. Honestly just go do better. Being by yourself is better than being lonely while youre walking on eggshells in your own home.

I'm so sorry.

You sound run ragged trying to do the right thing, second guessing every move and he sounds like whatever you du is not good enough.

He reminds me of my ex husband who was "just joking" - but actually gas lighting, who accused me of being "transactional" when I was just trying to be fair, and then always saw the bad in what I was trying to do instead of the good.

I remember watching a YouTube video about Love and the psychologist said that love was always assuming the best about the other person (including their intentions).

What you say about your husband makes me think he is always blaming others (you) and being the victim and never assuming the best of you.

Good luck... And hugs... It's exhausting...

Yanbu to feel annoyed but yabu to be his personal assistant unless you like doing that. He's an adult he can sort out presents and cards for his family. They don't get them? Not your problem.

He’s a prick. Maybe instead of relying on you to be the ‘helpful wife’ he could be the ‘helpful son’ and remember his own dad’s birthday. He sounds completely useless

Not just for making him look like a bad son because she didn’t inform him early enough for him to contact his dad, but also for being horrible enough to point out it was his father’s birthday AT ALL when she realised it was already 3pm because obviously that would just make him feel bad. Poor sod having such an inconsiderate wife. Honestly I think I’d advise him to take a pass on the marriage counselling and spend the money on a secretary who actually does her job properly.

It’s his dad’s birthday

he should be ashamed of himself

@Claphamandeggs dont you dare “help” him again.

stupid prick that he is.

Oh gosh, this hit home for me:

'But he sobs and clings to me...I love you I love you, you're my whole life and so on every time we get close to calling it a day.'

My ex was the same, when I tried to break up with him the first time. He never wanted to spend any time with me, resented any effort he had to put into the relationship, but seemed genuinely heartbroken when I tried to call it off. I let it drag on for another couple of months, them finally split with him, got the same response again. I asked him 'what do you love about me' and got a confused face with 'I just love you'. When I pressed him, his answers were all about him, or other people. 'I love how well you get on with my mum' 'I love how you look after me and encourage me' - he couldn't give me one thing that was about just me - my ambition, my humour, nothing like that.

He went round for months telling everyone how heartbroken he was. I later discovered he'd texted an ex 3 days after we broke up and they'd started shagging, while he was still crying to his friends about me.

I honestly think he was only upset because society has trained us that breakups are upsetting. I really don't understand how he could be upset to lose me - he didn't want to spend any time with me! He wasn't nice to me!

Sorry, your story has just hit a chord. If he can't even take half an hour to sort out therapy, you clearly aren't, even though you've been clear it's at crisis point, even on his priority list. You deserve better.

Helpful wife? Motivation coming from being a commiserating Daughter-In-Law, instead. This reaction looks like he's centring himself even when it should be about his Dad.

"Well I could flip it around..."

Oh fuck off, DH. What a poor response. In the time it took him to be defensive and pass agg and unhelpful, he could have gone on OpenTable.

He wants to blame, not fix.

This is what I thought of, too.

Sorry, OP. He sounds like a twat. No one wants to be married to someone who acts like an entitled child.

“and that dear reader, was the last time anyone in my husband’s family every received a card, message or gift for any occasion.”

No more reminders. It’s not your job to maintain his relationships because he can’t be bothered to keep a diary.

What @BirthdayRainbow said. It's not that he doesn't do the dishes, the "little thing"; it's the constant disregard for her request for him to do something.

It's like when men say "urgh stop nagging me"

Well, I wouldn't have to fucking nag if you just copped the fuck on and did it the first time, would I?!

So, passive-aggressive, making digs that he can then deny were digs.

"he doesnt want us to split. He was sobbing and sobbing a few weeks back when I said it felt like only option"
And manipulative to boot. If he genuinely doesn't want you to split, he'd have booked the counselling session by now.

I'd be giving him a time-limit. If he still hasn't booked counselling in two weeks time, you will accept that actually he is not interested in saving your marriage at all and you will start divorce proceedings.

In the meantime, every claim of "only messing about" would be responded to with "No. You weren't. Have you booked the counselling yet?"

He sounds exhausting. And a twat. In fact, I'd be scouting for a good divorce lawyer ASAP - it looks inevitable.

@Claphamandeggs "Dh I am giving you 3 days notice that I am going to consult with a lawyer. I see I am wasting my life trying to be in a partnership."

Causing issues isn’t a thing. The issues are there because he makes them. Noticing them isn’t causing them.

A man wrote a piece called She left me over the washing up. I suggest he reads that. Then you leave him anyway.

He’s absolutely pathetic and blaming you simply because it deflects attention from him being a really shitty son who can’t even remember his father’s birthday. Not your job. Next time, let him forget.