To feel pissed off at DH comment

You sent him a helpful reminder and he reacted like that? No more reminders then!! What a prick!!

Really don’t bother trying to fix things. He’ll only go on treating you like his social secretary while having a shitty manner. Imagine what a peaceful, happy life you can have without him.

that is why i refuse to find a therapist because he will blame me if she/he says something he disagrees with.

There's no point in counselling if he won't accept a challenge from the therapist. If he's going to blame you for something the therapist says, the whole thing is pointless.

It is really sad, OP. You will grieve for what's lost and grieve for the relationship you'd hoped for. It's a massive change and I'm sure it will be hard in many ways. But life sounds very hard now, and very sad. So maybe it's just a matter of stepping forward, at your own pace, to make this change.

Of course it’s sad, and you’re absolutely not an idiot. My friend went through a similar sort of split, there was no big drama of cheating or violence etc but it was just over time an erosion of respect and kindness. Basically they just fell out of love. She said something that stuck which was that she was in love with the idea of loving him, but not really anymore more. She missed the person he used to be but not actually who he was when they split.

It’s going to be hard but to be honest if you’re sad everyday now then a couple more months of hard days splitting up to make an overall happier life is worth it I think for you and your kids.

Oh OP, it IS sad. Of course it is. And it's perfectly okay to feel sad. There's always someone who will tell you that you're crazy for feeling sad because he's such a user etc etc, but you've invested a lot of time and effort and love and shared a home and a family. Leaving isn't supposed to be easy.

I wish that you COULD sort it out. But it just sounds like nothing will ever change because he doesn't really understand why you're upset in the first place. Which actually is another challenge with a possible narcissist - it's so frustrating because you never feel like you get any closure. Yuo don't get that sense that you both agree that there were problems . You don't get that mutual sense of sadness.

I'm afraid I must warn you that if you do split I'd say there's a good chance he'll turn pretty nasty. so be prepared for that.

OP I could not be more on your side. I don’t think he will ever change. Sorry. I would love you to leave him if you can.

Haha what a cheeky fucker. How rude and ungrateful. I hope you told jim you aren't his secretary

What does he do every day to make your life easier? You do absolutely everything child and housework wise yes? So what does he bring?
Do not bring up children in a home where they see dad living his best life on the back of an overworked mule/mum.
This is him. No amount of counselling or come to Jesus talks will make a jot of difference. He was sobbing weeks ago because you rightly had had enough, now he's telling you you aren't even doing his thinking properly for him. Come on now OP.

That is good advice from @Newestname002 . Knowing where you stand will give you some much needed inner strength @Claphamandeggs .

Please be careful what you share with him now, knowledge is power for him too. And, as you have learned, he just manipulates any situation back to suit him.

I would be putting the money you've earmarked for counselling towards a divorce.

You might be trying hard to not be pass agg etc but he certainly isn't! The fact that you're seemingly afraid to speak up about his behaviour says it all to me.

As a PP said, ducks in a row. He will never change.

Pointless American website. What a fool.

He said yesterday "I've sorted counselling" (he could sense me being pissed off) and then turned out he'd just found some website in america. Hadn't emailed or called anyone. Just found a website.

what did he say when you pointed out it was just a website?

@Claphamandeggs

Context is DH and I are on the rocks and have been on/off for just under a year. About to start marriage counselling - so my perspective may be off.

To be honest, given this first sentence of your OP, followed the narky, hurtful way he says things to you, I would start discreetly researching how you'd cope, financially, without this carbuncle in your daily life, AKA get your ducks in a row.

You don't have to instantly act on getting separated/divorced but getting your facts together may make you feel less hopeless, more in control than you are currently feeling. Having that knowledge of

• what equity you have in the home,
• cash in the bank and long term investments (both your pensions, not just yours),
• what accommodation you could afford to buy/mortgage
• whether or not you'd be entitled to benefits (check www.entitled to.co.uk), rebate from your council tax (25% single occupier discount).
• what child maintenance you'd be entitled to (check calculator online CMS or gov.uk websites)

Also speak to Citizens Advice or have a session with a family law solicitor so you have the facts.

He's really not serious, as you've seen, in sorting out the disconnect between how your relationship is and what it should be. He barely pays lip service, only half heartedly going through the motions if he sees you getting upset or withdrawn so he can maintain the status quo.

You deserve better than you've got. 🌹

Would you consider a trial separation, whilst you go through counselling? Will show him how serious you are / or make you realise there is more to life than being this mans PA / skivvy etc,.

This man fucks me right off, and I don't even know him. Imagine the selfishness of keeping your wife up because you're a grown man fucking around on YT. Ugh.

I'll stop commenting. But I hope you decide you deserve more.

Simple truth is that he doesn't want to change anything, he just wants you to change and put up with him. The sobbing is textbook emotional manipulation, he does it because it works. You need to state your demands and stick to your guns. Empty threats to leave won't work if you're not willing to go through with it - he'll see right through it.

Even supposing it was your* responsibility to remind him, the fact he doesn't buy gifts or cards mean he only needs to know on the day sometime before bed on the day so he can text or call. So he just used this as a way of taking out his nasty mood out on you. There's absolutely no reason for him to behave this way and as I say to my kids it's only a joke or only messing about if the person who's the subject joke/messing about finds it funny/is fine with it. Otherwise its just a BS excuse for bullies and people behaving inappropriately.

*its not of course

Hes starting to sound like a narcissist now. No responsibility or accountability, permanent victim mentality, total lack of.empathy in respect of how you feel/what you need.

I am sorry . This is really reminding me of those , "what was the straw that broke the camels back" threads. If and when you end it he's going to be totally bemused that you "over reacted massively" to him forgetting his father's birthday.... but its not. That's just the final straw.

He isn't being a team. I messaged dh he forgot his dad birthday and he was like oh crap I will grab something after work and nip over then messaged again asking if I could pick up x and he would pick up z.

He shouldn't be apportioning blame for his own failings

That is so pathetic of him. I think it’s time to call it. ‘You know how we talked about calling it a day since I don’t feel respected or valued? I don’t think I have it in me to wait for you to make any kind of effort, it’s been weeks already. I am never going to remind you about your parents birthdays again to be told I didn’t try hard enough, i am never going to take you out to dinner again so you can shit all over my efforts, I am going to see a solicitor and dream about being free of the endless criticism.’

I'm not trying to say you have to end your marriage if you don't want to, OP. Just that your needs and boundaries are very basic and not things you can compromise on. Being respected, being treated as an equal partner etc - those are non-negotiables in any relationship. So you need to be 100% clear on that. If he hears that and wants to make some big changes in his behaviour then it's up to you how willing you are to let him try. If you decide to stay with him when nothing changes, it might keep you married, but again, that depends on what you are willing to tolerate.

^^this

God he sounds unbearable. Just tell the selfish arsehole to leave.