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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect host to let her party guests know that she has a no shoes policy?

691 replies

JustABitOfUncertainty · 15/04/2024 14:31

I went to a posh party with DH on Saturday. It was a fundraising event for a wheelchair and a hospital bed, hosted by a school mum who has a child in the same year as one of mine. (The fundraised wasn't for her child btw). We NEVER go to parties, certainly not posh ones. We are both shy introverts, but we definitely wanted to show our support for this one.

Anyway, I have this beautiful halter neck top and matching trousers from Reiss from about 20 years ago, still looks brand new, as I very rarely wear it. I am only 5.2", and the trousers drag on the floor until I put my Esska platforms on, and then voila, the whole outfit comes together and I feel a million dollars.

Upon arrival to the party I saw there was a huge pile of shoes and saw the people before us removing their shoes. The host stood there almost blocking the entrance until the guests were barefoot. I am not exaggerating when I say that I really wanted to turn around and leave. Instead, I had to remove my platforms and feel like a 5 year old in her mummy's clothes, constantly pinching my trousers upwards so I wouldn't walk on them.

I know that there was an episode in sex and the city about something similar and I detest the Carrie character, but I empathise with her on this one.

It could have been worse, as I contemplated wearing a cocktail dress which would have meant putting on my toeless tights, how embarrassing would that have been!!

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 15/04/2024 14:55

I'd rather guests take their shoes off and for that reason, I'd have assumed there was a possibility of no shoes.

Thinkbiglittleone · 15/04/2024 14:54

Who has a "formal event" in socks or barefoot.

It should have been stated before hand,so someone shorter than you OP if I had got all dressed up, I need my heels to feel finished off. My outfit would be different if I knew I couldn't wear heels.

violetlozenge · 15/04/2024 14:53

A tinea festival.

cuckyplunt · 15/04/2024 14:52

Unless your guests are wearing wellies or hobnails, or you are Japanese, you do not expect guests to remove shoes in your house.

waftabout · 15/04/2024 14:52

I think I'd always assume shoes off at a house party but then most parties I go to are pretty casual.

I wouldn't base an outfit around shoes for a house party for that reason.

NeverEnoughPants · 15/04/2024 14:51

BobnLen · 15/04/2024 14:50

Nor do I, it's not a regional thing, it's a MN thing

Show quote history

It's not a MN thing.

I'm in Scotland. I don't ask people to take their shoes off at the door (I take mine off), but most people do as a matter of course. I've even had workmen take their shoes off without me saying a word.

Wolfpa · 15/04/2024 14:51

Was there any dress code on the invite? If I were in someone’s house I would take my shoes off unless they said differently

CoalTit · 15/04/2024 14:51

AIBU that there should have been a note on the invitation so that guests could have chosen their outfit accordingly?

YANBU. That's the very least the host could have done. But the sort of people who invite you over and then stop you at the door and make you take your shoes off are not naturally good, considerate hosts.

GrumpyPanda · 15/04/2024 14:50

YABU to not have had your trouser hems raised to a proper height in twenty years.

BobnLen · 15/04/2024 14:50

helpfulperson · 15/04/2024 14:43

But party shoes aren't outdoor shoes generally. They are 'worn indoors elsewhere' shoes. Even if the guest has walked to the party they won't have come far. I would have turned round and left.

I don't know if it's a regional thing but I don't anyone who has a shoes off house. That's in Scotland

Show quote history

Nor do I, it's not a regional thing, it's a MN thing

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/04/2024 14:49

I'd expect that if I was going to someones house that I'd be expected to take my shoes off, so I probably wouldn't even think to mention it if inviting people to mine!

I can't think of anyone I know who wears shoes in the house, seems a really alien concept to me!

TeeBee · 15/04/2024 14:48

TheFlis · 15/04/2024 14:45

Shoes off inside is one of those things people claim is the norm on Mumsnet but in real life I only know one person who has that rule. They have OCD (diagnosed) and anyone who knows them well enough to be invited to their house would know that and be able to plan accordingly. I think making people do it at a formal event is very rude.

I only know two people who don't have this as a norm in their house (and both have carpets). Every one of the teenagers that come to my house remove their shoes without thinking; their households remove their shoes too. I've never even mentioned it to 90% of them. I always say I will miss the mountain of shoes when my boys move out :-D

Notreat · 15/04/2024 14:48

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/04/2024 14:33

If the party was at her home I would assume shoes would be off. Was it?

But surely it's very odd to host a formal party that's was shoes off?
If people were expected to dress in formal wear as it sounds in this case up making them take off their shoes at the door is very strange.
I wouldn't have expected it . I think the host should have told people to take indoor shoes if she was so precious about her carpets. Formal wear and no no shows is a strange look!

LlynTegid · 15/04/2024 14:46

I'd expect to be warned. Would choose different shoes perhaps.

Blahblah34 · 15/04/2024 14:45

I'd put some kind of floor protection down if I were hosting a big party.

Janetime · 15/04/2024 14:45

Icanseethebeach · 15/04/2024 14:37

It wouldn’t occur to me to wear outdoor shoes in someone’s house.

It’s not like they’d have been traipsing through shite though. They would have been wearing shoes only worn for special occasion.

TheFlis · 15/04/2024 14:45

Shoes off inside is one of those things people claim is the norm on Mumsnet but in real life I only know one person who has that rule. They have OCD (diagnosed) and anyone who knows them well enough to be invited to their house would know that and be able to plan accordingly. I think making people do it at a formal event is very rude.

TeeBee · 15/04/2024 14:45

I'd also expect to take my shoes off in someone's house; I'd say this is the norm.
I don't think it would raise more than an 'oh, sure' with me if I was asked to remove my shoes; everyone else was in the same position. The appearance of your outfit isn't more important than the host's carpet. She would have looked very petty if she had included it in the invitation.

badwolf82 · 15/04/2024 14:44

Shoes off without warning is incredibly rude. Hopefully everyone was freshly showered and changed and nobody had come straight from work or another activity with sweaty end of day feet. Imagine how embarrassing that would be.

Lavender14 · 15/04/2024 14:43

I think if it's been hosted at someone's home then I'd anticipate three possibility that it might be shoes off even though we don't do no shoes at home. I've been caught by this before and had odd socks on or bare feet which imo is almost worse. But I wouldn't be upset by my trousers being too long no.

helpfulperson · 15/04/2024 14:43

Icanseethebeach · 15/04/2024 14:37

It wouldn’t occur to me to wear outdoor shoes in someone’s house.

But party shoes aren't outdoor shoes generally. They are 'worn indoors elsewhere' shoes. Even if the guest has walked to the party they won't have come far. I would have turned round and left.

I don't know if it's a regional thing but I don't anyone who has a shoes off house. That's in Scotland

Psychoticbreak · 15/04/2024 14:42

I would have left. I dress from the shoe up.

Octavia64 · 15/04/2024 14:41

Formal parties are often an exception to the shoes off rule.

It doesn't always occur to people to warn though.

Oneofthesurvivors · 15/04/2024 14:39

I'd be annoyed about it but not enough to make a mumsnet post.

Hopingtobe4 · 15/04/2024 14:39

I think at a party the host should have let shoes stay on and just hoovered and mopped the next day. I wouldn't be impressed getting dressed up then having to take my shoes off.