Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

160 replies

Confusedwedding · 15/04/2024 14:01

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/04/2024 08:15

Honestly, it’s only an evening invitation so just drop her a line and say that due to the rail strike it’s no longer feasible to come

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/04/2024 08:09

id personally just say “hi friend, so sorry there have been train strikes announced on the day and I have no means of getting there. Have a lovely day and catch up soon” and send a nice card.

Justus6 · 16/04/2024 08:00

I think your overthinking everything. Ask the friend if others you know will attend and make arrangements with them to split cost.. who knows someone may even drive and you could pay for a lift etc. You could also explain your situation to her and see of you could bring a friend.

Though if you really don't want to go it's a really good reason not to, I'm sure you won't be the only guest affected by the strike.

ZenNudist · 16/04/2024 07:00

Nonentitynumpty · 15/04/2024 14:04

You have your excuse reason right there - it's in a difficult to get to village, you don't drive, and there's going to be a train strike on the day you travel ...

This. Cancel.

pictoosh · 16/04/2024 06:45

I probably wouldn't travel three hours for an evening reception.
Let her know asap, then rest on your laurels.

MariaVT65 · 16/04/2024 06:42

Yanbu. This is what happens when you have your wedding in a stupid location and only invite people to night dos.

susiedaisy1912 · 16/04/2024 06:37

Just cancel op. It's miles away, the accommodation is difficult, it's going to cost you a lot of money to say hi to the bride and then spend the rest of the evening sat making small talk with strangers. Cancel now and she will probably have other people to invite. You can still send a card and gift.

neverendingcold · 16/04/2024 06:34

raspberryberet7 · 15/04/2024 16:40

Why didn't you check all this before accepting?

Exactly

neverendingcold · 16/04/2024 06:33

I had people pull out after the date for mine. I wasn't upset they weren't there but I was annoyed they'd left it too late so that I still had to pay for them and couldn't see if anyone else wanted their place. I didn't mind for those who genuinely could no longer make it but some of the excuses I got were flimsy

lap90 · 16/04/2024 06:16

It's not worth it for an evening invite.

Send regrets ASAP. Ideally you would have done so at the start.

PenguinLord · 15/04/2024 20:09

Elephantswillnever · 15/04/2024 14:19

In an ideal world you’d of considered those things earlier and politely declined. Now you have to apologise and, or at least I would, send a gift.

But often oyu dont have all the details at hand. I was once invited to a wedding abroad, no problem, I was prepared to pay for flights etc. but then it turned out the weding was in place A, and then the reception over 1 hour drive away in a middle of nowhere on a farm from where Id need to go back to the city to spend the night, I didnt know anyone, I would not be able to rent a car if I wanted to have some alcohol, and then it turned out the accomodation was r e a l l y expensive whe I looked as places that would be convenient.

OP, if your friend is not that close and its evening reception only Im sure she will not mind.

dapsnotplimsolls · 15/04/2024 19:27

Cancel. Blame the Tube strike. Send a nice gift.

hopscotcher · 15/04/2024 18:23

Several hundred pounds, basically to go to a disco where you might not know anyone and probably won't get chance to talk to your friend. I definitely wouldn't bother, and doubt they'll mind very much. No need to overthink the excuses either. I agree with sending a nice card & gift to acknowledge their special day and the fact that they've thought of you in the planning.

Gbishywoo · 15/04/2024 18:14

my cousin got married this year and we are relitively close ( we used to be really close but haven’t seen each other for 4 years and speak 2/3 times a year) he lives 3 hours away and was getting married on a tuesday on a school day, the invite i got was for the evening and children weren’t invited so i declined. he told me a week before i could bring my children and i said i would try my best but it worked out at newrly £500 when you added a hotel, petrol, day off work then outfits on top of that! it genuinely wasn’t feasible. He hasn’t spoken to me since 🤷🏼‍♀️

ICanFixHim · 15/04/2024 17:48

If you want to go OP, I would ask the bride who else from the friend group is going so you can maybe make travel plans together. Explain there's transport issues.

There might be someone driving or who you could share cabs etc with.

GRex · 15/04/2024 17:39

It's best to cancel early. Hopefully she won't be too fussed as it's just an evening guest invite and you're still within cancellation timing if there is extra evening catering for you.

everythinglooksbetterpaintedblack · 15/04/2024 17:39

Evening invitations that are needing lots of travel and a hotel are not worth the hassle.
Just tell them you can't make it

Windysquall · 15/04/2024 17:36

quizzys · 15/04/2024 14:37

" Hi Jane, just to let you know that due to unforeseen circumstances I now can't make it to the evening part of your wedding. I hope you all have a fabulous day, and looking forward to meeting up with you at a later date to hear all about it. Love xx"

Send this with a gift. I wouldn't go either, and as others have said the evening part is not as guest critical as the full reception.

I would also say this. You don’t have to give a reason, just let her know you can’t go.

goingtotown · 15/04/2024 17:08

Cancel, too much hassle for an evening invitation.

Alwaysalwayscold · 15/04/2024 16:58

I don't generally attend anything that requires me to spend longer travelling than I am spending at the actual event.

CallMikeBanning · 15/04/2024 16:55

PicaK · 15/04/2024 16:45

Fine to cancel but send a present.
Don't ever accept anything again without checking properly that you can make it not just that you'd like to.

Get off your high horse!

CallMikeBanning · 15/04/2024 16:53

You are an evening guest so it won't cause any hassle at all to cancel. She won't have to cancel your meal or lose money if you don't turn up. I think an evening invitation is a 'we'd love to see you at our party for celebrations if you can easily make it' type of an offer. 3 hours train travel, a hotel, a return taxi, then 3 hours on the train again is it was too much for four hours.

LlynTegid · 15/04/2024 16:53

Fine to cancel, reasonable to assume that for a small village a taxi may not be available without a long wait.

Tube strikes have been called off, so don't mention that, may look as if you are making a fictitious excuse.

PrincessTeaSet · 15/04/2024 16:51

Fine to cancel imo. Evening only invitations are pretty rude. All the expenses and you don't get any food or drink. Only permissible for people living very near the venue who you don't know well such as work colleagues

Jk987 · 15/04/2024 16:46

PicaK · 15/04/2024 16:45

Fine to cancel but send a present.
Don't ever accept anything again without checking properly that you can make it not just that you'd like to.

You're not her Mum!