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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

160 replies

Confusedwedding · 15/04/2024 14:01

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

OP posts:
Icehockeyflowers · 16/04/2024 12:55

Just cancel.

It’s too much effort for an evening appt. It doesn’t matter if she’d accept it herself if it was your wedding. Some people enjoy going to everything and don’t mind travelling. It’s a lot of effort for you, not to mention expense and time.

My guess is she didn’t really expect you to go.

Why not meet her half way either before the wedding or after it to catch up for lunch? Or if you don’t see her regularly, just send a card.

easylikeasundaymorn · 16/04/2024 12:43

Usually I'm quite hot on going to something if you've committed to it but I'd cancel in these circs. 1 evening guest cancelling isn't going to significantly going to affect her plans or cost a fortune either way and in the nicest way possible it won't make or break her day if you can't come. I'd either say "I'm so sorry I've just looked at the logistics and realised it won't be do-able" or white lie and say you've got something in work that's come up/completely forgot you've booked a holiday that week/ etc."

Apologise, maybe send a card/bottle of something on the day or offer to treat her to a meal next time you catch up. Do it asap though so she can invite someone else if she wants.

Thulpelly · 16/04/2024 12:38

An evening guest invite with no plus-one, if you don’t know anyone else going, then paying for a hotel/travel … it doesn’t seem worth it.

Ideally you should have not rsvp’d before talking about the above. If it would make a difference to you, I think you should immediately ask around your mutual friends. Even if they’re not invited, it will hardly be a secret she’s getting married.

If it truly is the case you’ll be there on your own, you should cancel. Just do it asap.

RoseAndRose · 16/04/2024 12:37

user1492757084 · 16/04/2024 10:59

It is not too late to back out due to the train strike.
I would speak in person though.
Sometimes guests are catered for with a private bus to nearest town and accommodation. Your friend might offer a solution.

Go if you want to attend; the night celebration is always the most fun. It's a chance to meet trusted strangers who become special friends.
Whatever you decide, do so promptly and remember to send your friend a gift.

Edited

OP mentions tube strikes, not train strikes.

The tube strikes have been called off so are not a factor.

endofthecorridoor · 16/04/2024 12:32

I would cancel. I don't agree with second tier guests at weddings and have you even factored in a gift, new outfit, extra meals out that day ?? you could have a weeks holiday for the cost , and she has not even invited you to see her get married.

user1492757084 · 16/04/2024 10:59

It is not too late to back out due to the train strike.
I would speak in person though.
Sometimes guests are catered for with a private bus to nearest town and accommodation. Your friend might offer a solution.

Go if you want to attend; the night celebration is always the most fun. It's a chance to meet trusted strangers who become special friends.
Whatever you decide, do so promptly and remember to send your friend a gift.

SparkyBlue · 16/04/2024 10:57

That's far too much hassle for an evening guest. I'd absolutely cancel. In my own experience evening guests are usually younger cousins who come for the dancing or work colleagues who come as a group. It's only on MN that I've heard of people actually travelling a distance to attend the afters of a wedding.

SquirmOfEels · 16/04/2024 10:55

viques · 16/04/2024 10:18

Don’t mention the tube strike! They have form for changing their minds at the last minute. Say that you regret having to pull out at this late date but circumstances have changed. Wish her and her fiancé a fabulous day and say you can’t wait to see the photos.

Show quote history

If she means the strikes in April/May (as she must, because they didn't announce further ahead than that) then they have already been called off

Tube Strikes Cancelled | Londonist

FamBae · 16/04/2024 10:42

I don't think you've left it too late to decline, your only a couple of weeks over and I would be surprised if she has had all of her rsvp's back even for the full day. I included ssae's with mine and still had to chase.

Penguinmouse · 16/04/2024 10:40

You’re an evening guest, there’s very little additional cost to the couple but a huge amount to you for a few hours of dancing. The logistics are making it difficult, it’s better to tell them now rather than wait.

mindutopia · 16/04/2024 10:37

It's fine, just let her know asap that you realised it won't be possible to travel now that you've fully looked into the logistics and cost, and then send a card/small gift.

It's only rude if you can't be bother responding or showing up after you've rsvped. We had one guest who just didn't turn up on the day (he is a bit of an arse who has form for such things), but we had two other guests who came only for the ceremony and drinks after but had to leave before the meal to return home to care for a family member who was on end of life care. Completely understandable and no big deal. It was kind of them to even turn up. A normal sensible person will understand.

Megifer · 16/04/2024 10:26

Absolutely fine to cancel its only a couple of weeks after the deadline and its a night do so they wouldn't have gone to a huge amount of expense. Anyone planning a wedding usually assumes a few drop outs because things crop up etc.

MyspecialMug · 16/04/2024 10:23

I wouldn't attend either.
I'd let her know now asap, just say work/appointment on the same day. I won't be able to make it.
Thank her, apologise and wish her the best of luck on her big day and you'll be thinking of them.
Closer to the day post a nice card maybe a small gift voucher.

You'll save, stress, time and money.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 16/04/2024 10:21

I'd go. I love the opportunity to catch up with people and a wedding is fun.

viques · 16/04/2024 10:18

shams05 · 15/04/2024 16:16

You knew all the other factors when you accepted so don't mention those but the tube strike is a new obstacle so message her as soon as possible and let her know the tube strike means you can't get there.

Don’t mention the tube strike! They have form for changing their minds at the last minute. Say that you regret having to pull out at this late date but circumstances have changed. Wish her and her fiancé a fabulous day and say you can’t wait to see the photos.

Didimum · 16/04/2024 10:14

It's not a wedding, it's a wedding reception. Kindly, I don't think she'll care that much if you come or not!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 16/04/2024 10:12

It's an awful lot of investment emotionally in terms of time, energy and cost for someone who's just an acquaintance now. I would cancel 'due to the strikes' but say you'd like to catch up afterwards sometime.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 16/04/2024 10:04

Fine to cancel, but don’t prevaricate further, give as much notice as possible.

Maddy70 · 16/04/2024 09:59

Its ok but do it now ...they had a deadline for catering

godmum56 · 16/04/2024 09:57

DanceMove · 15/04/2024 14:17

Honestly, I don't think anyone ever expects someone to travel a long distance and pay for overnight accommodation for an evening invitation. I think it's a nice way of saying 'I still value your friendship and would love, if you're able to do it without endless faff or expense, you to be there, but don't worry if not'.

this

nononocontact · 16/04/2024 09:20

From the title I was ready to say don’t cancel, but an evening do is a different ballgame! As you say, it’s not like she’s providing food for you. I would just contact her and say you were sorting travel arrangements to come and realised it will be more difficult and expensive than you initially realised and you’re really sorry but you won’t be able to come.
I don’t think she will be annoyed as it was only an evening invitation. If you want to stay friends I would send a card and a small gift.

TomeTome · 16/04/2024 09:10

You’ve been invited to a party to celebrate your friends wedding. She told you when and where if you didn’t want to go why didn’t you just refuse? Yes it’s shitty to say you’re coming and then cancel. Your travel expenses and inconvenience are yours, not a favour to your host.

RoseAndRose · 16/04/2024 09:05

GRex · 15/04/2024 17:39

It's best to cancel early. Hopefully she won't be too fussed as it's just an evening guest invite and you're still within cancellation timing if there is extra evening catering for you.

The Tube strikes planned for April and May were called off on 4 April.

The remaining transport issues were known to OP at the time she accepted.

She can't cancel "early" as even if the strikes were going ahead, the only date is less than 3 weeks away now.

I think OP should honour her original choice. But if she's really not going to, then don't blame a cancelled strike as that will all too easily be taken badly

toni6994 · 16/04/2024 08:41

6 hours travel for 4 hours of event would be an absolute no no for my ND brain 😂

just say you’ve been checking costs and it’s too expensive for you to warrant for 4 hours. It’s not in any way unreasonable to not want to spend that amount of money on it x

CecilyP · 16/04/2024 08:16

You’re overthinking it! The evening do is really just a party. It doesn’t affect the numbers that they have to cater for the main reception. While she’d like you there, and thought you might like to attend, I’m sure she won’t be too put out if you apologise and say you can’t come after all.