AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

I was in this exact situation a few years back now. Although I had seen the bride in the run up to the wedding.

The wedding was about 1.5 hours drive away or about 3.5 hrs on public transport. The area itself too is expensive and popular so no cheap hotels etc.

I had initially said I would go but then logistics of travel + hotel stay + taxis to and from the venue it was turning into an expensive night away. My DH was invited too and we thought about making a weekend of it but decided against it due to costs (we were saving for our own wedding). We also had to factor in dog care then with a gift and possible outfits the money was building up.

I just called her up and explained that due to distance and costs we couldn't make it work. She was very understanding about the whole thing, also said that a couple of other mutual friends had pulled out for the same reasons. We actually did end up going as we managed to car share and then got an air b&b with another couple.

I was glad I had explained why I wasn't going as it actually helped and allowed us to go.

Maybe worth mentioning in brief why you can't make it. Tube strikes etc and ask if anyone else is travelling the same direction and or other uni mates are going to share costs with

Oops. I live a long way from London so believe any rumours of tube strikes! Still a good idea to rescind the acceptance ASAP.

As a recent bride even I say cancel. It’s just too much & you’re not booked in for the main meal.

It's the worst possible response.

Tube strikes were called off a fortnight ago.

Also OP did not say her route was affected by train strikes.

So blaming strikes which don't affect the journey or don't exist at all carries a high risk of looking really shitty (in an "any old excuse, even when blatantly not true" sort of way)

Can you take a plus 1 who does drive?
Can you afford the added expense?

If you’re not going, let them know as soon as possible so they can make adjustments .

She's laid back so early April will be fine. It's hardly the dame as simply not turning up or giving 5 mins notice.

It may be worth ringing her but otherwise judt day you won't be able to make it.

It might be good manners to attend, but it’s also good manners to recognise the spend/reward aspect for guests.
Expecting someone to travel for hours for only a night do, and possibly spend hundreds of pounds on a hotel, AND probably bringing a gift, is rude in itself.

I agree re the “ perceived courtesy “ ( as to why they are issued) and also that they are not that courteous.

We don’t get married all that often- even if it runs to several times - and if the guest doesn’t “warrant” the per head outlay at the venue you have chosen you either need to to rethink your guest list or your venue. It isn’t really fair to expect guests to travel and offer a wedding gift for a glass of bubbly and a half a dozen salmon blini, as well as about four minutes tops with the host. If at a proper reception/ wedding breakfast seating arrangements etc allow for easier integration with the other guests.

I'd speak to her and ask her who else is coming you would know as you're now looking at pricing up accomodation and travel. If no one, and it's too expensive, be honest and cancel.

When is the wedding?

Cancel ASAP. Better she knows now. I think it's fine to cancel - things happen. But it's a dick move to cancel short notice or just not show up.

It's my feeling also that it's good manners to attend once you've accepted an invitation. Were this an all-day event that would still be my view.

But this is simply too large an outlay of inconvenience, time and expenditure to justify for an evening-only event, not least one OP is expected to attend on her own. This common expectation re. 'evening only' isn't particularly reasonable, which is why I suspect a good few such invitations are issued on a perceived courtesy basis.

I say perceived, because in those circumstances they're really not all that courteous.

Ideally OP should have declined in the first place, but the reality is life sometimes gets in the way of things. Hurray for the transport unions!-she can hardly be blamed for not having the hindsight to know when they would ballot for strike action.

Common sense should tell the bride why this clearly isn't a practical option and in your shoes, OP, I'd simply tell her the truth about my reasons. They are sound reasons: it's not as though you've flaked on her because a better offer came up.

Weddings are only weddings. They really don't merit this amount of angst, lost friendships or family rifts. I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid for my oldest friend and couldn't have cared less - not my 'thing', I don't even like weddings although of course I went, and I don't need a grand, public gesture to know how we feel about each other. As for me, we eloped. Friend and I are still very much in each other's lives to this day and every bit as close.

The whole level of expectation surrounding weddings these days is ridiculous and disproportionate.

Depends of course on the time frame.

If there hasn't been so long since the invitation and some time before the event, shouldn't be problem.

But if days, weeks before, then perhaps unreasonable, as may be dif to fill yr place.

Just bow out gracefully. The earlier the better. You have several good reasons for not going.

Oof. Very surprised by the general consensus here.

I'd completely understand your reasons for declining from the get-go, but you've already accepted and the RSVP date has passed. Where was all this sensible thinking before you said yes?

My opinion is that it is basic good manners to abide by your word once you've RSVP'd, particularly after the deadline. See also "a better offer has come up after I accepted the first invitation: what should I do?"

I detest this modern trend towards flakiness and disregard of the host's (bride's!) feelings.

If you back out now, don't count on your friendship surviving - weddings can be very emotionally sensitive, even for the most laid-back people, and the fact you're having to ask says, to me, that you're aware of this.

I wouldn't say it's rude.
It's a way of having a big celebration without a wild price tag.
15 years ago we were £70 a head for food and drink. Not everyone can afford to wine and dine 100 people but still want a party to celebrate.

I've been at a few weddings where its been immediate family only for the full day - big party in the evening.

But I will say Evening Invites only really work where the guests are reasonably local, I wouldn't travel much more than an hour to an evening Invite.

Not unreasonable at all, I didn’t expect all my evening invite guests to come, and people did let me down on the day but I over invited for the evening knowing this would happen, I honestly didn’t even notice who wasn’t there until the next day, too busy enjoying the happiest day of my life

send a card with a gift voucher and your apologies

It's an evening invitation, feel free to cancel it for whatever reason. Better that than just not turning up.

For some reason, some posters think that evening invitations have the same gravitas as a wedding invitation, they don't.

It is a thing, but it’s a rude thing nonetheless .

Brides need to learn to cut their cloth. It’s a faff to dress up etc for a wedding if you don’t even “count “ as ranking in the first tranche of guests.

I’d only go to an afterthought invitation event if it suited me. I certainly wouldn’t bother if it were going to cost me dearly - after all you’re on the overflow list because she was trying to avoid you costing her.

Pretty shitty of you to cancel because you failed to plan the first time!

i think there is even a meme about this.

if this friend isn’t even worth GETTING to their wedding then you shouldn’t have said yes in the first place. And if you don’t go, don’t anticipate keeping this person as a friend.

giant heartfelt gifts can make a difference for some people.

and please cancel sooner than later.

Its ruder not to cancel and then not show. It's only an evening invite but it still has costs involved.

Just cancel, they won't be that put out for an evening do. It doesn't sound like you are busting to go. I flew from Ireland to England for a friend's wedding in a village in the middle of Cheshire and wasn't given a plus one (this was explicitly stated). I had to fly, train then taxi. I felt like a bit of a spare part and tried to last for a few hours after the meal then quietly departed (in a taxi). It cost me a fortune back when I didn't really have much money to spare, and honestly wish I had just declined and sent a gift. And that is not a reflection on the couple getting married who were lovely.

You often don’t need to confirm evening guests until close to the wedding so it might not matter anyway. You could ask in conversation whether any other friends will be attending then you can work out if you can car share/taxi share with people
if you were wanting to go.

I would cancel. Point at the train strikes and the logistical nightmare it will be for you to go to just the C list evening portion.

Send them a card wishing them well and a token gift. They certainly didn't think of your side of things when they invited you to just the evening, tbh.

That's a great response. Also, if you do decide not to go let her know ASAP.

A lot of my evening guests didn't turn up (which was actually a bit hurtful) but it doesn't really matter because there's normally no catering required or place on a seating plan. Do let her know though because we had factored the numbers (and paid) for an open bar and evening snacks, so for every evening guest that didn't show it cost us about £30 (not loads in the scheme but enough to annoy me!) I think an evening invite is more of a "join us for a drink" invite than a formal wedding invite, so people will be less bothered. Why not arrange a meet up after her wedding to see her for lunch somewhere more convenient and she can tell you how it went