AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

If the tube strikes are really swinging it for you fair enough to cancel. Everything else you've mentioned hasn't changed from when you decided to accept, so if it was ok to have accepted then, it's ok to have accepted now.

If you don't want to risk offending friends by asking if they're going just ask the bride who is going from your friend group? That will also answer your question of if you'll know anyone when you get there. Then you can make your decision

This isn't fair to bride and groom. We kept numbers down to keep the celebration small. Particularly DH didn't want to invite many, so I reduced friends to match. For a few who aren't able to come, I had replacements to invite, so early notice was great.

It's just an evening invite, let them know early and a few more mates might be invited.

I kind of see where you are coming from ; but then another part of me keeps piping up that cancelling with notice says “ I’ve thought on it, weighed it up and it’s not worth it” and cancelling closer to the time says “ something has genuinely come up.” ( or “I’ve got the runs…”)

I think either cancel now, or ask the bride who else is going that you know and see if you could reach out to someone you know to share transport. Don't leave it though. Cancelling with plenty of notice, says "I would have liked to be there, but can't justify the expense/time/hassle." Unless the bride is much more fond of you than you are of her, it's not going to upset her. Cancelling near the time says "you never were important to me and I can't be bothered to plan for you".

If practicalities dictate this, of course it isn't 'churlish'. But if this is how some people interpret a simple wedding regret, it's clear to see how unnecessary family and friendship rifts occur.

In my world, mere weddings don't merit this amount of angst.

Your post is rambling and the middle paragraph makes no sense.
Its entitled to decline a wedding invitation just because you weren’t on the day list -in fact its churlish 🙄

What's 'entitled' about declining an invitation? I'd have thought the reverse to be true.

Evening parties are a large outlay and a lot of hassle, particularly if they are some distance away or there are stipulations such as no children. Various factors may make it difficult for some people to attend for just an evening. Of course some people will deduce that this is not a priority for them. A wedding might be an important day for the bride and groom, but it just doesn't have the same significance to other people.

IMO it's senseless to let simple wedding regrets cause family rifts or destroy friendships, unless a clear message has been sent (ie. all close friends receiving a 'day' invitation but you) signalling your inferior place in the hierarchy. This is going to sting if it's a person to whom you previously thought you were close.

We eloped and were married in a beautiful, romantic European city. No reception, no gifts, no theatrics. If we could go back and have our time over again, we'd do exactly the same thing.

Soooooooo many words have lost impact through overuse on MN I don’t know where to start .

We had a wedding and invited our guests to all of it. No subs-list, just people we cared about, there for the whole thing, fully paid for.

It's not 'entitled' to refuse invitations I don't want to attend. The word 'entitled' is so overused here, it's losing any kind of impact.

I cut back my guest list and took out the soup course from the menu because I wanted to avoid having to deliver an “evening only” invitation to anyone. So while I don’t deny some brides would put thought into it, it was definitely something I worked to find a way of avoiding. I think this thread is evidence enough that some people really do feel like a second rate guest. My mum was asked to evening only for her goddaughter’s wedding; but there were lots of connections from the bride’s father’s new ( and relatively important) post that he had held about 18 months invited to the meal and the message was very clear. My mum was very hurt.

Don’t accept evening invitations? How entitled. Be interested to know if you had a wedding and an evening reception?

Same. I went to an evening do of a very good friend (not anymore) where she ignored us, I never even saw the groom. No drinks and basically no food. Some of the evening guests had travelled half way across the country.
And I’ve been to evening dos where we’ve been greeted by bride and groom at the entrance to welcome us with a drink. Makes such a difference.

You're overlaying your own situation onto OP's and it's not the same, is it?

Evening invitations can be well thought out and a genuine wish to involve friends/colleagues OR they can be a cynical grab event where guests are ignored but expected to attend to provide cards/presents. I've been to both.

I no longer accept evening invitations but do happily attend weddings if I'm free.

I think it’s really sad that some people can’t be arsed to attend weddings anymore.
Having 2 daughters get married in the last 5 yrs I’ve seen ALL the shenanigans regarding invites and I can tell you it doesn’t go unnoticed.
Firstly, being invited to the evening reception is not some sort of downgrade. Weddings are eye wateringly expensive and family will take up the majority of the day spaces, so obviously friends are invited to the evening do. I know both my daughters were really excited to see their evening guests and looked forward to their arrival.
Secondly, many weddings have an evening buffet and in our case a free bar so a lot of thought goes into the evening. And both brides created a What’s App group for anyone wanting to share travel and accomodation costs and ideas.
What’s happened here is you thought it might be nice to go then after totting up the cost you felt it wasn’t worth your time and effort.
I think it is an honour to be invited to someone’s wedding and am utterly dismayed at the current trend on MN to make up all sorts of excuses why you can’t go and then bleat about it to garner sympathy.
Please let the bride know you’re not attending as soon as possible so she can give the invite to someone more appreciative as there will be many more waiting in line!

Don't go, I'm sure the couple will understand your reason (not in my mind an excuse).

🙄 at posters berating op for wanting to cancel after confirming. It's the evening doo. I'm sure the bride wouldn't actually want her to go if it's a massive stress for her

This thread prompted me to look up Tube strikes and it still has one listed for 26 April, argh.

OP I wouldn't go either but I'd have said no initially. Better to say some change in circumstance rather than blame the journey.

The opening post only mentions the Tube strike, and as that was called off a fortnight ago, then referring to it at all is going to look a bit shitty.

OP knew the journey would be difficult at time of acceptance, but there has been no change to that. It would have been much better if she'd declined the invitation in the first place, rather than pulling out a smidge over 2 weeks beforehand. But if that's what she really wants to do, then non-specific personal circumstances would surely be preferable to blaming a cancelled strike?

Could you message the bride saying "I'm having a nightmare trying to sort out travel etc for your wedding as I don't drive and there's strikes that day. Is anyone else I know coming from this direction who I could ask for a lift from?"

If there's really no accommodation in the village you should certainly be able to share transport to and from the nearest town with other guests too - you just need to be put in touch with appropriate people.

If you don't get any help in making such arrangements then withdrawing your acceptance because the logistical challenges of actually getting there have proved overwhelming is a just-about-acceptable reason to not show up but it will damage the friendship a bit.

Except that's not the reality

The tube strikes have been called off - something that was announced a fortnight ago. The April one did not happen and nor will the one in May. And it can't be reinstated as it was cancelled following resolution of the dispute (not suspended) so further action would need a new ballot and 14 days notice, which cannot happen in time for the date in question.

I think it's fine to say you are unable to get there and just say the truth that it's down to the tube strike and wish her a lovely day

@Needanewname42
Thank you for explaining, I have never heard of this type of wedding.
Does seem a bit rude, don't think I would be wanting to go as an afterthought really!
A friend of mine got married recently, but I wasn't invited she was only having a very small wedding, I still went to the wedding ceremony to see her be married and congratulate the couple.

Yabu 7pm to 12pm is 5 hours

This