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AIBU?

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Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

StormingNorman · 15/04/2024 19:38

It sounds like he needs to review a contract and understand the obligations and legalities.

A lot of things aren’t what they should be, but it does sound like he’s trying to be a good dad.

Was the pregnancy planned? I’m wondering if the pregnancy was a trigger for the breakdown. He seems to love the child but has MAJOR commitment issues.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:34

Lindalove · 15/04/2024 19:05

He may have had a breakdown because of some childhood trauma or even abuse. People are often reminded of horrible things when they are faced with being a parent. I find it sad he’s not shared what’s gone on.

This happened to me. My childhood made it difficult for me to be a mother. I sought help. I dealt with it.
if he wasn’t ready then to deal with his issues, and seems to be working towards it somehow, then he needs to work on it and work hard at regaining trust. The child is the priority. No blame needs to be apportioned, but the fact is that he’s not the priority in this context. He should make himself and his healing a priority for him so he can be a positive and consistent presence in his daughter’s life. Until that is a solid fact, that he is able, he doesn’t get to pass his trauma on.

I I say this as someone who fought and still fights so hard to break the cycle.

Trulyme · 15/04/2024 19:32

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:25

Above and beyond??
he paid after OP went to CMS and he visits
I’m guessing he sticks to what CMS tells him to pay.

how is that above and beyond?? Are you serious?

Show quote history

It’s incredibly sad how low the bar is for some women.

If OP acted like he acted the child would be seriously ill, dead or in care.

He’s literally doing the bare minimum and he’s got the nerve to need to think about being on the BC or not and whether he wants to ‘officially’ be apart of his own child life.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:31

ABwithAnItch · 15/04/2024 19:29

sounds utterly pathetic, and I would be pissed off too

Edited

Wrong thread Wink

GlitchStitch · 15/04/2024 19:30

Don't give advice when you are clearly uninformed and biased.

Yet you said he has PR, when he doesn't. Then you said he has it in "all but name." Again not true, PR is a legal standard, you either have it or you don't.

11NigelTufnel · 15/04/2024 19:29

There is no evidence that he had a breakdown, just that he ran away. Every child should have a relationship with both parents where possible/safe and she does.

I do find it a bit odd that lost of people are saying it os fine if he had a breakdown, as I have NEVER heard anyone saying that about a mother. Women look after their babies in almost all circumstances. That would put me off adding him to the birth certificate at this stage, as it could be more difficult for you if he then runs off again, or meets someoneelse and wants an instant family. Continue to facilitate his contact with her.

ABwithAnItch · 15/04/2024 19:29

sounds utterly pathetic, and I would be pissed off too

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:28

seekingasimplelife · 15/04/2024 18:03

You have thought of the positives for your daughter of adding him to the birth certificate - this is a good starting point.

Now think of the negatives also. Some are very real possibilities, so give them some serious consideration.

Suppose:
Your ex finds a new girlfriend who is unsuitable as a parent - they decide to play happy families with your daughter.
Perhaps they both have mental health issues, their house is dirty, they keep pets your daughter is scared of, cut her hair, give her piercings etc, disregard your parental values on bedtimes, food, clothing, socialising, religion. Refuse to return her at the agreed dates and times.
Nothing you can do without a lengthy legal process.

Your ex decides he wants to veto any holidays abroad including educational school trips. He hides her passport and refuses to let you have it for anything including verifying her identity.

He decides he doesn’t like your choice of school for her and re registers her elsewhere then refuses permission for you to change his choice.

He won’t give permission for immunisations or other medical treatments. He changes her GP.

He gets into legal trouble and receives a prison sentence. He applies to the court for regular fortnightly visits which you must facilitate.

He moves abroad and applies for part custody - and you must fly to his country of residence every school holiday for weeks at a time to enable it, and pay for accommodation there yourself.

In the worst case scenario you pass away and he is the sole parent. He isolates her from all of your side of the family and refuses permission for them to visit. He moves away and they never see her again.

I know this sounds like scaremongering, but in fact I have known all of these situations occur to people I know (either personally or in a professional capacity) with a difficult ex.

I think it bears thinking about the worst case scenario because once PR is there, it’s there. He can go through the work to get PR but at least it wouldn’t be easy for him to go against the wishes of the RP/OP.

Trulyme · 15/04/2024 19:27

Lindalove · 15/04/2024 19:05

He may have had a breakdown because of some childhood trauma or even abuse. People are often reminded of horrible things when they are faced with being a parent. I find it sad he’s not shared what’s gone on.

It’s one thing to have a break down and not be involved in his child’s life and OP has been incredibly forgiven with this.

But that has no bearing on him being on the BC.

No parent needs to think about being on the BC, I didn’t as a mother.

He should be begging for forgiveness and to be allowed on the BC, not having a think about it.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:25

umberelladay · 15/04/2024 18:00

Well you could make any assumptions, Op stated he had some sort of mental breakdown.

She also said he came back, made promises, stuck to every one, did above and beyond. Has been consistent financially and physically. DD loves him.
Yet people think he wouldn't get PR, access or that OP should remove him from his DD's life....

Above and beyond??
he paid after OP went to CMS and he visits
I’m guessing he sticks to what CMS tells him to pay.

how is that above and beyond?? Are you serious?

Yousay55 · 15/04/2024 19:24

If the father of your dd has to “think about” being put down as the father on her birth certificate, I wouldn’t bother. That’s heartbreaking. I can’t imagine my dad saying something like that.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/04/2024 19:24

I wouldn't pester him about the BC Op, if he's not sure then he's still not really committed to your DD and he could vanish on you again. If only you have PR then you make all the important decisions for your DD which may turn out to be for the best.

Poorlymumma · 15/04/2024 19:23

I can't help but wonder what this man's childhood was like and the relationship with his parents because it seems like he's terrified to be responsible for a child to the extreme.

I'd let him know that you're hurt by his response to this if you haven't already. You've been really selfless to allow him back into your daughter's life for her sake after he hurt you so badly in the first place, and it's selfless of you to want to put him on the birth certificate for your daughter's sake also. He just isn't putting her first like you are and I'd say that to him.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/04/2024 19:22

It smacks of him checking what he'd be 'liable' for if he agreed to this. He sounds selfish - money/ free time is his priority, not his daughter. I'd definitely sack him off.

(Small bit of light in the dark - due to a typo that said for a while: 'Monet is his priority' - don't bother him with Rembrandts, whatever you do 😉).

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:20

I assumed a breakdown as he lost a job he was very very protective of. But it only took him 3 months to find another similar one so he can’t have been horrendously mentally unwell. I have asked him about what happened and why but he just says he’s sorry and won’t actually tell me why. I don’t think he can tell me why, he has always been quite a selfish person and I think that came through more because I needed him when pregnant in a way I never had previously

OP posts:
EdithArtois · 15/04/2024 19:18

Have you ever spoken about his breakdown? I mean there are ‘breakdowns’ ie legging it form responsibility and then genuine severe mental health episodes when it can be very hard for people to function and they do all kinds of things. If it is the latter then the road back can be long. Maybe some joint counselling would help. It sounds like you want him in her life and it sounds like he wants to be in her life too. You are totally justified to be raging about what he did but what are the options going forward?

Chewbacalava · 15/04/2024 19:17

He’s already shown you who he is…..

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:17

@Onceacheetah not mega but a bit. I don’t think it’s that though? He has to pay regardless of being on the certificate

OP posts:
Onceacheetah · 15/04/2024 19:15

He's worried about money. Is he wealthy?

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:13

One thing worth remembering OP, is that - to a large extent - "Dad" will mean to your daughter whatever her experience of Dad is. We aren't really living in Peter & Jane days any more, so different family structures and levels of involvement are "normal".

So as long as she has one calm, reliable, adult parent, she will be okay.

Naptimeagain · 15/04/2024 19:12

I had similar - ex went on birth cert when DS was 3, though he had insisted on a DNA test when DS was born, so I had proof he was the father. My mother took it very hard that there was a gap on the birth cert, I wasn't really that bothered. I think he expected a medal for wanting to go on the birth cert when DS was 3 though, real father of the year stuff.

I know your ex is being a shit, but, he's building a relationship with your DD and that's important for her self-esteem.

It can be in your interest not to have him on the birth cert - no need for him to co-sign passport applications, get communications from school etc. It doesn't make a difference to your DD now, it's a handy reminder to you that he is a shit, so I would let it go for now.

StealthMama · 15/04/2024 19:08

To be fair OP, in time, your dd will fully understand why he's not on the birth certificate, because he's likely to let her down again and again.

Youre not taking anything from her or denying her information. It's a very very important part of her history to understand that dad fucked off.

Having him in the birth certificate actually makes managing him more complex.

I'd be leaving well alone.

Lindalove · 15/04/2024 19:05

He may have had a breakdown because of some childhood trauma or even abuse. People are often reminded of horrible things when they are faced with being a parent. I find it sad he’s not shared what’s gone on.

Quitelikeit · 15/04/2024 19:02

This guy isn’t a monster!

If you want answers look at his upbringing. He pays and he is now trying his best to be in your child’s life.

Everything is relative but trust me there are worse men out there than him.

I actually think you are still angry about what he did to you