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Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
2boyzNosleep · 16/04/2024 23:29

His name being on the birth certificate is a big deal.

For a start, he may be wary that you have anterior motives for it, such as the possibility of taking him to court and trying to get more out of him. Not saying that you would but there are people like that.

Another, if he is on the birth certificate and has another episode/breakdown, he will be able to legally challenge you for full custody of your child. Again, not saying he would but considering he did a disappearing act due to his mental health, it may resurface in the above form. In this instance it makes sense that he would avoid being put on the birth certificate to protect his child and you.

Both are extremes but just because he's the biological father doesn't mean putting him on the birth certificate is the right thing to do. Legally, he will have a huge amount of power. If there was any future disputes then it could boil down to him having to give you permission to go abroad, etc.

Honestly, it's sad to have children without their fathers on the birth certificate but I think for now it's probably best that he isn't. Reconsider in the future when he's been in her life for longer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2024 23:10

Muddlingalongsomehow · 16/04/2024 17:51

Re: "you could have put him on anyway at the time" comments - no, you can't, if you're not married to him. The father has to attend the registration in that case. Otherwise you could have any mum just putting down Prince Harry or David Beckham or Nigel Farage or whoever. If you're married, there's a presumption of legitimacy, ie the husband is the dad, end of.

At least, that's how it was when I used to answer queries on this at the relevant govt department long ago.

You can certainly add him later but again he has to be part of the process.

(I recently read a novel set in WWII where the mum put some soldier boyfriend on the birth certificate in his absence... Er, no. And the plot hinged on it, so...)

In WWII you probably could.

The law changed (relatively) recently. When Ihad my son in 1990 I wasnt married and was asked if I wanted the fathers details on the certificate, he didnt have to be there and I didnt have to prove anything, so I really could have put anyone if I so chose. The law changed because men didnt like that being allowed to happen without their consent. The reasoning was that it could be someone elses kid or she could pin it on some poor innocent bloke, but personally I think it was the dead beats who didnt want to be forced to step up if they were named.

As usual a change in law to benefit irresponsible men and disadvantage women and children.

justasking111 · 16/04/2024 22:35

I wouldn't put him on the certificate now he's too ambivalent about it.

Will simplify your life legally if he has issues in the future.

Diddlyumptious · 16/04/2024 22:28

He didn't go AWOL he had a breakdown, not like he went abroad for a year so that's a tad unfair. Why does he need to be on the cert, clearly didn't think necessary at time of registration

CameltoeParkerBowles · 16/04/2024 22:25

TheSnakeCharmer · 15/04/2024 21:04

If it makes you feel any better, my friend's husband developed pnd after she gave birth. He has to go and stay with his mother for weeks at a time for a break from his baby because the crying disrupted his sleep (not that he got up in the night or anything). He stays with his mother most weekends to get a break. He has never been on holiday with his wife or child because to do so wouldn't be relaxing. His daughter is 6 now! I don't think that he's ever changed a nappy. He doesn't work. His wife has a stressful job, but she's not allowed to discuss it with him as he finds the talk of anything stressful triggering. He doesn't cook or clean either. Naturally she's not allowed to being this up, lest it upset him. He's just an over indulged man child. I mean, it's one thing having mental health issues, but to not try and do anything productive to help yourself and simply avoid anything that causes you stress or annoyance is not facing up to things. Women don't tend to have the same luxury.

That is staggering.
What is even more astonishing is that your friend hasn't long since kicked his twatful, useless arse out of her life.
Who are these women?

stephfennell · 16/04/2024 22:17

Sounds like he's leaving his options open if he decides not the pay child support in the future? I bet when he's saying he's looking into it, he's looking into his financial responsbilities.

Beautiful3 · 16/04/2024 21:30

Great update, I'm glad he's signed it now. As for the child's surname, I'd only give them mine.

Gemma2003 · 16/04/2024 21:19

OldPerson · 16/04/2024 21:08

I am first of all shocked thar you thought it was your decision whether or not dad was included.

I am second of all shocked that he wanted to think about it?

Just what is going around in both your tiny minds???

If the child is biologically the product of both of you - SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE BOTH HER PARENTS LISTED as the unfortunate pair who copulated and produced her.

Just what power or ego trip is either parent on? It's either a fact you both produced her or you're both seriously disturbed people.

I'm not sure what has happened in your past to cause this outburst. But your past trauma or guilt is not a reason to post this kind of response. If it is not a reflection of past trauma, you must just be a mean and insensitive person.

Gemma2003 · 16/04/2024 21:17

Please proceed with caution. The ABSOLUTE priority is the relationship your child has with him. This seems to be going well and he is playing his part. He clearly has vulnerabilities. Don't risk rocking the boat or putting him into a position that he feels he then needs to exit for the sake of a name on a birth certificate. I would keep quiet on the subject unless he brings it up from now on.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 21:14

OldPerson · 16/04/2024 21:08

I am first of all shocked thar you thought it was your decision whether or not dad was included.

I am second of all shocked that he wanted to think about it?

Just what is going around in both your tiny minds???

If the child is biologically the product of both of you - SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE BOTH HER PARENTS LISTED as the unfortunate pair who copulated and produced her.

Just what power or ego trip is either parent on? It's either a fact you both produced her or you're both seriously disturbed people.

@OldPerson i’m clear what’s going on in my ‘tiny mind,’ but it seems your own tiny mind struggles with comprehension of short text. Feel free to re-read my OP.

OP posts:
OldPerson · 16/04/2024 21:08

I am first of all shocked thar you thought it was your decision whether or not dad was included.

I am second of all shocked that he wanted to think about it?

Just what is going around in both your tiny minds???

If the child is biologically the product of both of you - SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE BOTH HER PARENTS LISTED as the unfortunate pair who copulated and produced her.

Just what power or ego trip is either parent on? It's either a fact you both produced her or you're both seriously disturbed people.

Nextdoor55 · 16/04/2024 20:48

What are his reasons for thinking about it? Did he say?
I mean honestly it's not his fault if he had mental health issues, this happens &: he's fortunate that he is now in his dd's life. With that in mind it does seem odd that he is now needing time to think about this. I'd ask the question, to him directly why.
I also would keep him in your dd's life if you can it can be hugely damaging to children to permanently lose these relationships. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just sounds like he's struggling

2024NameChange098765 · 16/04/2024 20:38

wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 19:24

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

Hyphenated names could be a whole other thread! I think they're a bit naff personally, unless both of you happen to be landed gentry.

Specifically for your situation, I really wouldn't think it's a good idea, as you're already pushing for more commitment / responsibility from him, despite almost everyone on the thread saying not to. It will likely freak him out, and cause another upset.

Also, in the event he disappears again - which let's be honest, is a possibility - what then? Your daughter will be stuck with his name, as a constant reminder. Or you marry? A triple barrelled name?

Sounds like you're trying to force things to make the situation somehow more "legitimate" or something, which you don't need to do.

Adding him to the BC is questionable. Changing her name seems pointless, sorry.

Redfin17 · 16/04/2024 20:23

Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do here that you aren't already doing, OP, apart from create the mental distance you need to not be driven to distraction by it!

It’s shitty that men get this choice, but that’s systemic misogyny that you can't change by yourself. You’ve expressed yourself assertively - "When you behave like this, I feel X (and in the future I expect our daughter may feel X). I'd like you to Y."

Beyond this, its unfortunately his decision and it shouldn't be down to you to expend any more mental energy on it - you are already doing the heavy lifting raising her and he needs to make the call on what kind of person/parent he wants to be. Your daughter will eventually work out for herself how far she can rely on him as she grows up. And you'll be there to love her unconditionally so that she understands this is all about him, and nothing to do with her.

For now, I think maybe I would consider putting the ball/responsibility back in his court by calmly saying that if he decides against going on the bc, you'll need him to write down an explanation for his decision to be shared with your daughter when she is older, so that you don't have to take on the additional mental load of deciding how to explain this later if he goes AWOL again, as his response suggests he might.

Obviously there is a risk his explanation will be completely insufficient and you'll still need to work out your own plan for this later, but there is also a chance that requiring him to take on the parental task of figuring this out now may focus his mind.

I am so sorry this is happening and that he has let you down in this way (and previously). You deserve much better. Xx

Palaver1 · 16/04/2024 20:17

Pleased this has been sorted
Its for your daughters future and identity.
Do make sure you get everything that you can that she entitled too be it money ,time etc .
Whilst you can
Some men are just unpredictable and his one of them .

Sheerdetermination · 16/04/2024 20:17

Is he called Antony, by any chance? He’s sounding rather like someone I know.

Aishah231 · 16/04/2024 19:57

Don't hyphenate the surname OP. You might regret that if he goes AWOL again.

Rosestulips · 16/04/2024 19:47

It is sad that he doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate 🙁

has he sought help from mental health services? Could it be his mental state making him behave this way?

edit: sorry just read your update, hope all goes well in future for you all

BlueFlowers5 · 16/04/2024 19:47

Sorry to ask this, but he's not married, is he? That might be a situation where having your name on a child's birth certificate would be a problem? And disappearing around the time she was born?

Pomvit · 16/04/2024 19:41

If he is her father he should go on it - it’s her record of who here parents are not a record of how good they are

PurplePenguin2468 · 16/04/2024 19:40

wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 19:24

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

A great idea to use both names!

I did this but didn't use a hyphen. They have Mother's surname space Father's surname.

I did extensive research at the time of registering the birth. We were unmarried and the father was being a cocky git assuming he didn't need to be there so didn't take time off work. When I returned home without his name on the certificate, he was very embarrassed and had to admit defeat. His name wasn't added to the certificate until we updated it after marriage as legally required.

Only you know in your heart if you truly WANT him on the certificate, especially considering all of the advice you have been given regarding parental responsibility. Some will argue that he should be on as he IS the father.... but you decide... wait a bit longer, give yourself to think and reassess before going ahead. x

therealduchess · 16/04/2024 19:32

Reading above, many have already said what I was going to add! If he has to pause for consideration then he doesn't deserve to be on the birth certificate AND he's bloody lucky that you've been kind enough to be so civil.
I'd continue as you have been ie being polite and allowing access but I'd definitely have it at the back of my mind that he could easily disappear again and you'll be the one dealing with the fallout.
Is there any chance that he is unsure whether he really is the father? I'm guessing not but it did cross my mind as a reason why he'd evade the birth cert.

Mumof3confused · 16/04/2024 19:32

I’d get legal advice tbh and go through all of the what ifs.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 16/04/2024 19:24

Thanks everyone for the helpful replies.

He has actually signed the form and scanned it in to me (he obviously doesn’t realise I need the hard copy).

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

OP posts:
PurplePenguin2468 · 16/04/2024 19:07

I have read through the entire thread and something that came to my mind is:

Was he married before he met you? (I appreciate you may think not but it's possible!)

Do you know/have met his parents/siblings?

Him stalling to add his name to the birth certificate could be because he doesn't want his other family to find out (either now or in the future via ancestry etc). Yes he pays child maintenance but he could hide that from them if they don't see his mail and tax info.

Another thing is the real reason he lost his job. Him simply saying sorry isn't enough....what did he do? It could all be relevant.

I know someone who was sacked for having an affair with a member of staff and it was actually his wife that informed Head office!!

I believe there is more to this story that we're yet to discover and the "mental health breakdown" is being used as a get out clause to feel sorry for him.

I am in no way undermining GENUINE mental breakdowns.