A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

He's liable for CMS payments regardless of whether his name is on the birth certificate, or not. Fortunately. He acknowledges in all other ways that he is the child's father, the only thing that will happen if the CMS are told that he thinks he might not be, is order him to pay for them to do a paternity test. Birth certificates do not fall under their remit.

Also, yes; they are a legal certificate. Which is precisely why an unmarried mother requires the child's father sat with her, to have his name on it. If he can't be arsed... or is unable to do so, then nope. They're not added. Case in point? Friend of mine's daughter had a baby by a man who, tragically, died during the pregnancy. They weren't married. She was told, that had they been (she was 16 at the time she gave birth), the dad's name could have been added, but because they weren't, and he was deceased and therefore unable to rock up to the registrar's office... her son has those spaces left blank. She and the baby's paternal grandparents petitioned the court to have his name added, and... gave up in the end because of the costs.

In America, yes; it is a legal requirement - but look at all the men going to prison for refusing to pay for a child that they know isn't theirs. Checks are seemingly not so stringent over the pond. They are here.

I hope that the OP manages to talk her ex into putting his name on their child's certificate. I really do - but it isn't the be-all and end-all of things and actually, if he does another flit, him not being on it is likely to stand in her/her child's favour. Court is costly. My son's father and I were still together and he got shirty about him being expected, by the courts, to pay to prove something that he has never doubted.

A married man can rock up and register a baby born to his wife, because of the fact that a wife and children still legally belong to the husband/father. Also, it is assumed that a bloke doesn't want to raise another man's progeny. However, when it comes to adding a father's name, the courts like to make sure that its not some stepfather, or who knows what, who will then cause chaos in wanting their name removed - for the child's sake - further down their line. That is why paternity tests and going before a judge happen.

His reluctance was probably due to the fact he isn't sure how long he will remain in her life. I mean if he meets someone, he can deny all knowledge of having a child if he thinks it best to pretend he doesn't have one. and he knows you'd just let it drop if it ended up him demanding dna tests and going to court and whatnot, so he'd be home free.
Hopefully he has no intention of doing another disappearing act out of her life, but I can't see many other reasons why he wouldn't want it down in black and white that he is her father. Other than the option to 'pretend' he isn't if her official existence became inconvenient for him.

YOU know he's her father. HE knows he is her father. SHE knows he's her father. Why do you need a piece of paper stating the same thing? What is the advantage? He is paying child maintenance. A DNA test would prove it, if necessary to get maintenance.

So what is driving this need to have the piece of paper?

@wooldryxptto I’m sorry but that’s fucking awful with regards to the fact that you don’t know whether he actually had a mental breakdown or basically just panicked when he suddenly realized he might have to be responsible. There’s no blame on you! I just mean it’s terrible that you don’t know because he refuses to tell you; this is one of those situations where his “I’m sorry” doesn’t come close to cutting it. Maybe if you knew what happened, you’d know how to feel about putting him on the birth certificate.

There is a huge difference between sharing a child with someone who has genuine mental health difficulties and someone who will continue to go AWOL whenever they can’t handle the amount of responsibility required by a situation. And you DEFINITELY don’t want him on the birth certificate if the latter is the case, because it indicates that if your daughter gets sick (God forbid), he’ll just decide it’s too much and disappear again, which means he’s about the last person you want to share parental responsibility with and give partial control over health decisions for her.

I was under the impression that, unless there was some doubt as to who the father is, it is a legal obligation to put the father's name on the birth certificate. Am I wrong?

He presumably is reluctant for his name to be on the certificate because he would then be liable for child maintenance, should you wish to claim it. As he is the father, that is irresponsible and horrible. However, if you think you will be able to manage without child support payments then perhaps it is better to leave it as it is. I don't know what legal rights over your child he would acquire as the named father but I would imagine there are some - eg access. Do you think you would be happy with that, given that his actions have been unpredictable and unreliable in the past - and he shows little real commitment at the moment?

You'll have all the explaining to do with her as she's growing up - trust me - she will want to know who her dad is if he's not around in the future and his name on her birth certificate might mean the world to her - you only get one dad. No-one knows what's in the future, whether he'll be around or not but if he ever goes to court for access you'll be expected to co-operate and facilitate their relationship no matter how you feel about it - unless there's genuine reasons why not to.

The birth certificate isn't about him it's about who your daughter's father is and whether he's happy to be her father in whatever sense of the word it means to him. Just my thoughts x

I wouldn't change your DD's name. She can make that decision when she's older, if she chooses to.

Please please look at all of the legal ramifications before doing anything

After reading this thread though I have become nervous! I know it’s right my child has a full birth certificate filled in bit would you hyphenate the surname so it’s each of ours? He’s not mentioned it but I wonder if that’s best for dd? I suppose it could have my name on the certificate and then be hyphenated in school etc if she wants?

I wouldn’t change her name just because he’s finally agreed to go on the birth certificate. He’s on there. She has a full record of her birth and parentage. Better for her to have the same surname as the constant in her life (you) than one that highlights someone she can’t necessarily rely on.

Honestly, the amount of people who assume that unmarried mothers can just turn up at the registry office and go "yep, Baby Mother's Last Name, born in X hospital on Y date... yep, that's right? No, no, the dad and I aren't married. No, he's not here - he's busy/working/ill/done a flit/was a one night stand... His name, yep that's Fred Bloggs. Yeah, just put him down...". When actually? Joe Bloggs is the biological other parent.

We can't.

It's very often not that we don't want our children to have full birth certificates, more so that we need the father actually physically sat next to us at the time for this to happen. Legally, if the parents are married, either one can register the baby. In the UK, if the parents aren't married, then, legally, only the mother can do so.

This is why, when a bloke's name is added to the birth certificate at a later date, courts are involved, along with paternity testing, because, again, the onus is on the father to prove that he actually is. It is to protect men and the children alike.

My son is 19 now. Doesn't have his father on his birth certificate. Not because I didn't want him there - because he didn't want to pay the court's fees in order to have himself added. We're (obviously) not married at the time DS was born. At 3 days old, the midwives flagged up an urgent medical issue, our GP stubbornly stuck to the rules of not being able to check it out without a birth certificate (I forget why now), I had to get an urgent/emergency appointment to register DS' birth... and his dad? Was not picking up his phone (we didn't live together, were nearly 30 by this point, and I had a anxious 8 year old to deal with, too. Whilst 3 days post-partum.). The registrar (who was lovely) said, when I double checked, that yes; you and dad just fill this form in, the judge will sign off on it, DS gets a new birth certificate with no blank spaces...

Told his dad this. Repeatedly. Dad looked into it and discovered that he would be responsible for the courts costs. He said he'd think about it. Every time I asked after that, he'd change the subject, until we split when DS was almost 5 (he'd been cheating)... and his father tried to say that I had deliberately not put his name down when I registered DS' birth. Ex-FIL got a sharp shock that day, because I told him the truth - and ex couldn't deny any of it, when his father checked... and discovered that I was right.

Having his father's space blank on his birth certificate hasn't impacted DS' life in any way (neither has it my older child, but her biological 'father' was abusive and keeping him off it, 28 years ago, was done to protect her from abduction to the Middle East by him). Yes, it's frustrating when people think our system works like it seems to in America, where apparently a mother, married or not, seems to be able to have a baby with Joe Bloggs, but name his wealthier brother, Fred Bloggs, and no one checks.

@wooldryxptto - as long as your DD knows who her father is, and he maintains his half of her... and they build a strong relationship, that really is all that matters. It isn't like schools or employers are going to shun her, or people sneer at her like they would have 40 or 50 years ago. I suspect that his reluctance (because it said on the form 20 years ago, and common sense dictates, that a court needs a hard copy and both parents present... otherwise you could have filled it in with some random bloke who isn't biologically anything to do with your DD. Not saying that you would, but some do) is more to do with whatever caused him to abandon you when you were pregnant and needed his support.

and lots of good wishes.

Prepare yourself for him disappearing again when she is old enough to remember. You will have to pick up the pieces and help her through the trauma.

I see he has now signed it. How are things sitting with you now?

All he said was he would like to think about it. this is to my mind being responsible. He may want to find out what it means, I would wait and see what his response is.

@wooldryxptto

So now that you have his 'admission of paternity' in writing, maybe just put it with the BC and file them both away. You'll be able to show it to DD at a later date if she has a need to see 'proof' in writing and yet it won't be part of the legal document that would give him parental rights.

That was my first thought too.
OP you need to review this too. Is it worth giving this absolute flame any rights over yiyr daughter? You may come to regret it if you want emigrate or something similar
What if your new partner wants to adopt your daughter etc?

If you still want to go ahead with adding him to the certificate, I would suggest not doing anything about changing DD’s surname to include his. The reality is that you are most likely going to be doing all the heavy parenting over the next 18 years and he will continue to swan in and out of her life as he chooses. What purpose does it serve to include his surname in her name? It’s not going to make him a better dad. Who does it help? Not your DD.

She’s free to use his surname when she’s older if she wants, but it doesn’t do anything to help her now. And if he does go AWOL again in the future, she might resent having his name at all.

You say you can't believe he's the same man. He isn't. A nervous breakdown can be a sign of serious mental health issues. It changes people. He can't help being difficult and different. Probably it has taken a year for his mental health to improve sufficiently for him to approach you. My DP had a severe breakdown from work pressure. He became unreliable, indecisive, very easily panicked and desperate to be himself again. Even now he literally runs away from any uncomfortable or new situation and despises himself for that. He can't use the phone or public transport because of the potential unknown consequences. It's hard work coping with a partner's poor mental health. The real question is, do you want that work and responsibility.

My thoughts are with your little girl who will one day realise that her father did not want to be on her birth certificate.
You are doing a great job.

Exactly

I agree. @wooldryxptto really doesn't want escalations like this

I really feel for you & you sound like a great mum just wanting your daughter to have two parents and for her not be asking questions later in life. I’m sorry he wasn’t there for you and things didn’t happen as you planned.

I personally would try and accept the situation for as it is. You’re right that any decent father would jump at the chance to make amends and be legally listed as his daughter’s father after how he acted. He is THAT terrified of responsibility and that’s really sad….

I really hope that he carries on being a good dad and doesn’t have any more wobbles, but based on what you’ve said & my experience with my own dad, I’d be a little worried that he might let you / your daughter down again.

My best advice would be to leave things as they are, hope he is there as a dad to your daughter and that they have a great relationship, regardless of the birth certificate. You carry on being a great mum & be civil with him. Keep being positive about them building a relationship and just remember that you’re doing a good job & what’s best for your daughter.
She will grow up and appreciate that you were good at co-parenting and maybe one day even know what’s happened with her biological dad and probably respect you even more 🩷🩷 sending love!

He'd get parental rights.

He's he able to collect her from school and not give her back.

He'd be able to block you leaving the country for holidays etc.

He'd have a say in medical care, vaccinations etc.

I wouldn't put him on, not with his background.

Im disgusted by him, how pathetic. I wouldn't have him on the birth certificate, at this stage he's barely a step above sperm doner. He only pays what he has to because he legally has to in his current employment contract. He will always be a disappointment, first to you and soon enough to your daughter. Move on and build a life he has no part in, protect her from this.

but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this?

Yes, very.