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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
user6890one · 14/04/2024 19:15

I'm old fashioned and have never paid on a date, but your line of happy to pay because you've had a good time worried me. It's almost like, and I agree I'm ultra conservative on this topic, you're monetarily rewarding him for his company, IYSWIM?

user6890one · 14/04/2024 19:13

I'm with you re him paying because of the travel. If it were a friend, I'd have paid too.

Performative charity aspect is rank. I'd have been annoyed waiting for all that to play out too.

Dodged a bullet. At least you know early doors.

vdbfamily · 14/04/2024 18:56

I think it is quite hard these days for a date to know the correct approach. He may have hesitated because he had wanted to offer but not wanted to offend as some women see the man offering to pay as outdated.
I would not judge him for the homeless thing as that may be something he does consistently and not performative at all, in which case, it would be a plus point to me.

IlesFlottante · 14/04/2024 18:51

You're being really unreasonable to think he should have considered paying for you because you travelled further - this would never have crossed my mind and I'd have fully expected to pay my half. So I'd take that out of the equation altogether.

I'd have no issue with a date giving money or getting a quick coffee for a homeless person but agree that whole rigmarole he went through seems performative. It's not something that would stop me going on a second date though if things were otherwise good.

Heliss · 14/04/2024 18:48

I had something similar (without the homeless man) on a first date - travelled an hour or so, about £25 train fare. Had just been made redundant so not rolling in cash.

Wasn't impressed by my date splitting cost of drinks in a pub and only paying for his own cheap lunch in a cafe (queue so he just paid at counter) then I paid mine. I'd have paid his lunch if the situation was reversed and he had travelled.

EveryoneJapan · 14/04/2024 18:47

The performative charity would put me right off, to be honest. Would he have done the same if you’d not been there? Seems doubtful.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 14/04/2024 18:41

Were you left hanging around while he was impressing you with the homeless man? I'd find that quite annoying.

Revelatio · 14/04/2024 18:40

I think you are attaching too much emotion on financial rewards. You say you would have paid it all because you had a great time, would you have not wanted to pay if you had a rubbish time?

It wouldn’t cross my mind to pay more if my date or friend had travelled further? Unless they travelled from another country!

I think the homeless person is irrelevant really and him giving to a person in need has no bearing on your worth.

Relationships don’t need to be so transactional. It’s common to pay half on a first date, if you like him then don’t less this ruin it, but if it’s upset you then it’s kinder to call it a day now as you both obviously have different values.