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AIBU?

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Original poster

Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

208 replies

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

OP posts:
PattyDuckface · 14/04/2024 21:48

Urgh everything about this would put me off him.

Balking at paying- yuck.
Fannying around buying a homeless man a dinner.

I'd bin him.

trekking1 · 14/04/2024 21:43

Traveling over an hour to see him and going dutch? AND thinking of treating him for his amazing company? You need more self esteem. He's not that into you. No man who doesn't offer to pay is.

Comedycook · 14/04/2024 21:42

He sounds severely lacking in manners. You travelled and are a student and wanted to pay the whole lot. Very rude of him and on top of that he decided to virtue signal so he looks generous...but he doesn't want to actually be generous. He just wants to look good. Bin

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/04/2024 21:38

Shadeelane · 14/04/2024 21:30

I agree with ImCamembertTheBigCheese. What a performance. Just give the homeless guy some cash if you want to. You don't need to make a show of it. Surprised he didn't take a photo to put on his socials 🙄. That would put me off him completely.

The other issue wouldn't bother me. Splitting the bill is appropriate I think.

But most people who aren't old don't actually carry cash.

Comedycook · 14/04/2024 21:37

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd be seeing him again.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 21:36

I think it's a bot mean assuming that him wanting to help the homeless person is automatically just for show, because he's on a date.

A lot of people are keen to help homeless folk, but are cautious handing over money because of concerns that a lot of them are addicted to drugs or alcohol or are just fakes who commute in each morning to pose as a homeless beggar, before going home at the end of the day.

If a homeless person asks you for money for food, they may indeed spend whatever you give them on food; but there's no guarantee that you aren't just helping them to feed an addiction or to rake in cash if pretending to be homeless is their 'job'.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/04/2024 21:31

Poor bloke. .
Choices...offer to pay could be wrong, exist
Offer to split. Seemingly also wrong to you
Expect other person to pay. Wrong too
Homeless person
Ignore him, probably wrong look uncaring
Give him some money also could be wrong
Offer to take and buy food seems a winner but no that is also wrong.

Shadeelane · 14/04/2024 21:30

I agree with ImCamembertTheBigCheese. What a performance. Just give the homeless guy some cash if you want to. You don't need to make a show of it. Surprised he didn't take a photo to put on his socials 🙄. That would put me off him completely.

The other issue wouldn't bother me. Splitting the bill is appropriate I think.

user6890one · 14/04/2024 21:09

I'm alright with that

BIossomtoes · 14/04/2024 20:51

I would never ask a man on a date so I don't consider being paid for my good company.

Yet you think OP would be paying for the bloke’s company. Feminism has somehow passed you by.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/04/2024 20:15

I would find the queuing for food an ick. Just give the guy money and he can buy what he likes.

I don't like tight men. That's what this guy sounds like.

user6890one · 14/04/2024 20:14

@blossomtoes - no, I see that differently. I would never ask a man on a date so I don't consider being paid for my good company. Whoever asks, pays. If I invited a friend to the theatre, I would pay for their ticket...because I am the host. If a man asked me on a date, it's HIS invitation. I don't invite someone somewhere and expect them to pay.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2024 19:43

How far had he travelled?

TheOccupier · 14/04/2024 19:42

UnPCprinciple · 14/04/2024 18:33

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine.

On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared…

All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂

My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same?

YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date.
YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

This would give me the ick. I can't bear people who performatively "help" the homeless - especially by buying them food they don't actually want.

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

easylikeasundaymorn · 14/04/2024 19:33

what do you mean you'd paid 'about the same' to get there?
Is it, about the same as he had to get there (i.e. your travel expenses would have been the same) or about the same as the whole cost for the meal was, as in the meal cost you £60 and your train ticket cost £60?

tbf because I worked quite a lot, had a maintenance loan, and lived at home for 4 months of the year, didn't have to pay council tax or run a car and bills were split between the 6 people I lived with, I had a lot more money as a student than I did in my first few jobs, plus all the student discounts so wouldn't take that into too much consideration unless he's got a good job.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/04/2024 19:32

You sound all about the money...

And sorry to state the obvious, but the fact that your date was happy to buy a homeless person a meal but not you speaks volumes about what they thought of the date...

BIossomtoes · 14/04/2024 19:32

user6890one · 14/04/2024 19:15

I'm old fashioned and have never paid on a date, but your line of happy to pay because you've had a good time worried me. It's almost like, and I agree I'm ultra conservative on this topic, you're monetarily rewarding him for his company, IYSWIM?

And you’re not being rewarded for your company when you don’t pay?

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2024 19:30

How far had he travelled? I would have suggested somewhere half way between you!

It wouldn’t occur to me to expect a man to pay more for dinner, because I had to pay more to travel.

bellezarara · 14/04/2024 19:27

YABU to resent paying, going dutch is more than fair, as long as for the next date he makes the trouble to travel to you and doesn’t expect you to pay his meal or whatever because he travelled to you.

Keep things balanced and even, don’t do all the travelling or paying because he will quickly take you for granted assume you want to do it.

MoodyMargaret11 · 14/04/2024 19:27

YANBU, I did this on a first date once - bloke had travelled a couple of hours to see me in my city (his suggestion entirely). When we went out to dinner I paid for both of us as I appreciated his effort and the fact he'd already spent a good amount of ££ to come and see me (also saving me the inconvenience and expense on travelling to meet half way).
As PP said performative charity is very off putting, also him "hesitating" over the bill spells out cheapskate to me. Perhaps if you'd gone to eat at McDonalds it wouldn't have been such a dilemma to him 😄

HelloMiss · 14/04/2024 19:26

Yabu

And weird

So what if you are a student?

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 14/04/2024 19:24

You do realise that people usually help homeless people because of the assumption that they are in a much better financial position than somebody who is sleeping rough?

Are you actually upset that he viewed you as an equal and not as (to be blunt) a charity case?

gannett · 14/04/2024 19:21

I wouldn't pay for a friend who had travelled a greater distance, what a weird thing to think. Never encountered that before.

Buying the homeless man a burger is nicer than ignoring him but it's a completely separate thing to splitting the bill on a date and frankly it's weird to put yourself in competition with a homeless person.

Geebray · 14/04/2024 19:18

I think you sound horrible.