Page 5 | Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

UnPCprinciple · 2024-04-14T17:33:47+00:00

First date; I travelled an hour by train for a night out with him. Over dinner, we clicked so much, similar sense of humour. We split the bill (he hesitated when it arrived, so in the awkward silence I said “Shall we just split it?”). I actually did want to offer to pay the whole thing because I was having the most amazing time, but since I had paid about the same to get there and I was a student (he wasn’t), I was trying to be careful. But usually if a friend had travelled a fair distance to see me, I would expect to pay for their food and mine. On the way back to the train station, a homeless man asked for money, knowing people on a date want to impress. So my date takes him to a fast food place, queues, gets to the counter, turns around to ask him what he wants and the bloke has disappeared… All I can say is I would have appreciated him buying me food a lot more and it made me giggle all the way home 😂 My AIBU is was it a bit rubbish of me to imagine he might want to get the bill as I had made the effort to get there and already paid about the same? YABU — Stop trying to uphold outdated double standards for men, your travel costs had nothing to do with the date. YANBU — A little appreciation goes a long way.

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 17:16

@Upinthenightagain I think that's really sad. He might be poor because he's supporting a child or elderly parents, or because he can't move from an expensive area due to commitments. Poor doesn't have to equal workshy / thick / layabout.

ohlookimbackagain · 15/04/2024 11:58

BronwenTheBrave · 15/04/2024 09:08

So many red flags here. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

Refusing to pay your bills and offering charity to a homeless person. Red flags for sure 🙄

Ohwellithappens · 15/04/2024 10:16

@CutthroatDruTheViolent I agree, I hadn't expressed it as well as you have but I think that you have nailed it when you say that "he was trying to put you in your place".

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 09:41

So, how do you determine how much a person has "invested" in a date to decide who pays? Train tickets, petrol, outfits, toiletries?
First date, split the cost. Fairer.
You develop a relationship? Take it from there.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 15/04/2024 09:36

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

I agree with this.

And I also agree with @grinandslothit 's post - so what if one person was better off as a student than a working person - that's clearly not the inference here.

He was trying to show off by buying a homeless man food. He was trying to put you in your place by ensuring you paid for your half - and yes, I do think that if one half makes a substantial commitment, in both time and money, to make the date, then the other person should cover the cost of the actual date.

Thecastle1 · 15/04/2024 09:28

Bumblebeeinatree · 15/04/2024 07:43

If the 'homeless' person just wanted money not food, he probably has a good bed to go home to after conning the public into giving him money.

Who suggested the date? If it was him I think he should pay, particularly if you had to travel, if it was a 'lets meet up' type of thing 50:50 probably, although it would have been nice if he'd offered.

Or.... he wasn't hungry at that particular moment

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 09:28

Well, this is an eye opener. Looking for wealth and expecting the man to always pay. Oh, and criticising someone for an act of charity.

Upinthenightagain · 15/04/2024 09:23

BibbleandSqwauk · 15/04/2024 07:19

Jesus..so poor men can't date? Given that a restaurant meal out now is going to struggle to be under £30 for two adults, that's a big statement I think. So we equate being "into someone" with flashing the cash but sneering at this guy as "performative" for helping someone in need? Some odd thinking here.

I wouldn’t date a poor man. It’s not a film where the poor bloke is bound to prosper in the end with the support of a loving, patient woman. No dating ‘fixer uppers’ thanks.

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 09:13

Another thing that would bother me is his total lack of regard for your safety. The homeless man could have been on drugs or potentially aggressive. Instead of focusing on getting the man to leave you both alone he brought him in on your date effectively. Look it's old fashioned but a lot of women like men who can protect them...not potentially put them in harms way.

Upinthenightagain · 15/04/2024 09:12

Dated a lot before I met dh 7 years ago and actually enjoyed the process! Never travelled, never paid, no men complained and always got asked out again. Never felt like I owed them anything either. Showing up, looking nice ( which can cost a lot) and being pleasant company is all that’s required. If men are attracted to you they are NOT thinking about the bill. I don’t give a shiny shit if people think it’s an outdated stance. Worked for me.

Itsokish · 15/04/2024 09:12

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 15/04/2024 07:43

I thought everyone knew to not give money to people on the street as it would go on drink and drugs.

I always thought it was better to buy food, or food for their dogs.

the fact he disappeared shows the he wanted money for drink or drugs

Exactly!

BronwenTheBrave · 15/04/2024 09:08

So many red flags here. Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:50

So a man on a night out has to pay in order to address the economic inequality of women?
Is that it?

ohlookimbackagain · 15/04/2024 07:50

If the 'homeless' person just wanted money not food, he probably has a good bed to go home to after conning the public into giving him money
🙄

Ohwellithappens · 15/04/2024 07:49

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 07:37

Lesson learned is never travel and serve yourself up like a pizza

If he was really interested, he would gladly have traveled to see you.

I really hate this 50/50 thing because it's only 50/50 to the guys advantage. He's working. You're not. You traveled and paid the train fare to go see him, he didn't.

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything? Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up, none of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights.

Why are we starting with women pretending like they're equal, before they get equal? Because it benefits men. It benefits men to say, "Oh yeah, I'm a feminist, I believe in women paying 50/50 on dinner dates." And that is the only time they believe in equality.

When women have full equality in pay, child care, domestic labor, courts, safety, proposing marriage, which surname to have after marriage, work opportunities, then maybe I would pay, but until until then, no.

Absolutely.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:47

Serving yourself up because you want to be independent?
I earn less than a lot of men. I earn more than a lot of men. I'm still an independent woman and would pay my way.

Ohwellithappens · 15/04/2024 07:46

I agree with @FakeMiddleton I would expect not to pay on a first dinner date. I am not sure if OP travelled an hour because that was the only way to get to a place with a decent restaurant, but either way I don't think that had much to do with it. I sometimes offer to pay for friends who have travelled a lot if it's a small bill.
I don't like the gesture of paying for a homeless person on the date and not paying for OP it seems to me he is making a bit of a point about I would rather pay for a stranger than you. I am not sure if he also asked OP if she didn't mind waiting while he queued etc as she had a long journey home.
I am quite old school, I probably have spent more than my date on hair, clothes and polishing myself up than the cost of an average meal...

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 15/04/2024 07:43

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 07:37

Lesson learned is never travel and serve yourself up like a pizza

If he was really interested, he would gladly have traveled to see you.

I really hate this 50/50 thing because it's only 50/50 to the guys advantage. He's working. You're not. You traveled and paid the train fare to go see him, he didn't.

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything? Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up, none of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights.

Why are we starting with women pretending like they're equal, before they get equal? Because it benefits men. It benefits men to say, "Oh yeah, I'm a feminist, I believe in women paying 50/50 on dinner dates." And that is the only time they believe in equality.

When women have full equality in pay, child care, domestic labor, courts, safety, proposing marriage, which surname to have after marriage, work opportunities, then maybe I would pay, but until until then, no.

I earn more than DH, always have and can't stand men being expected to pay.
You're not serving yourself up. I find it more bleugh when a man expects to pay and is insulted when not. They tend to be the ones that expect women to do women's things (cooking, cleaning etc) once the initial impressing has finished.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 15/04/2024 07:43

I thought everyone knew to not give money to people on the street as it would go on drink and drugs.

I always thought it was better to buy food, or food for their dogs.

the fact he disappeared shows the he wanted money for drink or drugs

Bumblebeeinatree · 15/04/2024 07:43

If the 'homeless' person just wanted money not food, he probably has a good bed to go home to after conning the public into giving him money.

Who suggested the date? If it was him I think he should pay, particularly if you had to travel, if it was a 'lets meet up' type of thing 50:50 probably, although it would have been nice if he'd offered.

C1N1C · 15/04/2024 07:43

I think this says more about the people on MN than anything...

Great role models!

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 15/04/2024 07:39

Upinthenightagain · 14/04/2024 19:37

You lost me at travelling an hour for a date. This guy isn’t interested in you in any valuable way whatsoever. Men who want to impress, travel to you and don’t quibble over the bill. You need to raise the bar

What a load of sexist bollocks. My lady legs can get me to a train and my lady brain has let me get a decent job. As long as it's reciprocated, if not they can fuck off.

HeraSyndulla · 15/04/2024 07:39

Never happened.

grinandslothit · 15/04/2024 07:37

Lesson learned is never travel and serve yourself up like a pizza

If he was really interested, he would gladly have traveled to see you.

I really hate this 50/50 thing because it's only 50/50 to the guys advantage. He's working. You're not. You traveled and paid the train fare to go see him, he didn't.

The fact that men expect women to pay 50/50 when women don't get 50% of anything? Not 50% of the money, 50% of the privilege, 50% of the safety, 50% of the space they're allowed to take up, none of that. But, pay. Pay equal amounts even though you don't have equal rights.

Why are we starting with women pretending like they're equal, before they get equal? Because it benefits men. It benefits men to say, "Oh yeah, I'm a feminist, I believe in women paying 50/50 on dinner dates." And that is the only time they believe in equality.

When women have full equality in pay, child care, domestic labor, courts, safety, proposing marriage, which surname to have after marriage, work opportunities, then maybe I would pay, but until until then, no.

jannier · 15/04/2024 07:36

EveryoneJapan · 14/04/2024 18:47

The performative charity would put me right off, to be honest. Would he have done the same if you’d not been there? Seems doubtful.

Why lots of people do. I'd rather give food than money....I often carry a gift card so I can give it to homeless woman I often see and get her a few hours in the warm