Date would rather buy a homeless man dinner than me…

Nice of you to pay half and him to buy guy a meal but why didn’t he just give him some cash Obviously trying to make up for taking half but why did he not reimburse you if he felt guilty and still bung him people are weird.

You have never paid on a date?? What is wrong with you? Are you a child? Pay your share.

Such a good post! And exactly what my (now) husband did over 30 years ago. Asked me out, I said yes, and he turned up to my house 3 days later; polite, well-mannered, well dressed, smart, and kind. Paid for everything. I did offer to pay (a couple of times,) but he declined. Said 'I asked you out, and this is my treat.' He drove me home right to my door. (He didn't drink alcohol then.)

We started to share costs of things not long after, and started pooling finances as soon as we started living together - 1.5 years after meeting, and we and contribute equally to everything in life now. We have the perfect balance, and are both very happy with it. A man who asks a woman on a date, and then makes her splits the bill, needs throwing back in the sea IMO. Not husband material.

Your relentless hounding and shitting on others point proven, @blossomtoes.

How can you squander an opportunity if you feel you've fulfilled your potential? Again, if I did what you would consider worthy, it might look something like my life in my 20s: I'll work like crazy in the City, end up on anti-depressants and envision being in the work lift praying it malfunctions and crashes to the floor...not enough to kill me, just let me get hospital rest for a week. Would that be a good use of my wealth and opportunity?

My life choices do not affect you. Why are you so keen to tell me what to do and be mean? It's so weird.

Haha the comments on this thread! Buying a women dinner is not treating her as a charity case.

On my first date with my DH, he paid, no questions asked. Three courses with wine. Suited and booted. Impeccably mannered. Placed me in a taxi, with a peck on the cheek, checked in with me the whole way home to ensure my safety.

He was demonstrating to me that he holds traditional values, and they continue to be very important to us both.

You get to choose what is acceptable to you OP, you don’t need anyone else to tell you that it’s unreasonable to expect your date to pay. Hold onto your values, they are for you and you only. Everyone else can live how they wish.

@exomoon - you can be retired and still be hardworking. It's not like you cash in and then sit in a chair and wait for death.

You have all that wealth and opportunity and just squander it.

Says a woman in her 30s who reckons she’s giving up work to be a kept woman.

@ziggies - lol at "leverage!" - and agree. It's the old school tie network for sure. V conscious of that and its Faustian and hypocritical nature, but that's just the world, I guess.

I'm surprised you're surprised because I don't think I said that. Nevertheless, no, I did notice that at boarding school and it probably made me even more conscious of choosing someone that didn't have a trust fund. The laziness and entitlement of the mega rich at my school repulsed me. You have all that wealth and opportunity and just squander it.

😂

My single friends say that a man who is trying to impress you or is really into you, will pay. They would prefer to pay for themselves but it’s apparently a big tell.

Do what you want with that information.

my dad is extremely hard working

I thought he retired at 36?

OP, I'm sorry for derailing your thread.

As my encore derailment, I would just like to address @blossomtoes. I've noticed two things about you today:

1. you have quite the green eyed monster. I think you are bitter and resentful over the success/happiness of others, as others too have pointed out today: and

2. I get the impression that unless you have personally experienced something, you don't believe in it - that goes for blue collar success, others' wealth (would you like a screenshot of my Coutts banking app?!), and the lifestyle choices of "Stepford Wife" women aka "they can't possibly be happy because I wouldn't be in that scenario"

and I wonder why that is and how it's serving you or making you happy.

If you can't read that a stranger on the internet's dyslexic dad (who can only write in capitals, not lower case), busted his ass, emigrated and worked like hell to retire early and send FIVE kids through private school (and the pool was indoor ) without instantly trying to shit on it and be vile, then, whelp. I wonder why you feel the urge to react like that. It doesn't take a genius to ponder the lives of Alan Sugar or John Cohen and all the other poor upstarts that accumulated decent middle class wealth at levels far far less than those two household names.

I wish you just could accept the life choices of others - they don't hurt you or anyone else. I respect your choices in life because it's your life. I wish you well but I've had enough of your relentless hounding and bitterness for one lifetime.

Shrug, agree to disagree I guess... Tbh most people of a certain social class are aware that while willingness to work hard is a useful asset, it's not hard work per se that gets you places ("leverage!" was my parents' favourite catchphrase when I was growing up, re tutoring, connections, etc).

I'm actually genuinely surprised you went to boarding school and didn't notice that among your peers, the most successful and prominent now certainly weren't the hardest workers or smartest in the room back then. A few of my former classmates are leading the nation – among them, one extraordinarily hardworking/full of grit but lacking in the brains department (plenty of private tutoring though, even through their Oxbridge studies at the ripe old age of 20), and one just plain lazy (still is from what I hear from those around them).

Confusing - if your husband grew up on a council estate, how is he going to exceed your salary? There were/are vanishingly few council estate people at my uni and in my sector. Even if your husband works really hard, he's never in his lifetime going to out-earn many lazy idiots I know.

I'm attracted to hard work and drive but it's no fault of any man/woman if they were born without connections or a trust fund. My own parents can give me "nice shit" as you say, and what's more there's more than enough for both me and my partner to share...

Actually, no. I retract. I don't expect you to believe anything. I don't care. I'm not out here trying to prove a point to you. I was just having an interesting chat with another poster. If someone else's success rubs you up the wrong way, that's your issue.

Yes @blossomtoes , because it's my actual life and origins. I'm glad you find it unbelievable - my dad worked so hard and against all the odds. Your disbelief explains why I'm so proud of him.

We’re expected to believe a man started work at 15, got rich enough to pay for private schools, swimming pool, room for a pony through manual labour and retire at 36? Yeah right. You’re a right little Walter Mitty @FakeMiddleton.

Yes, u agree my mum was poor/reliant but her dating my dad and what/who he is would also have been cultural (she's not white nor British).

In your latter point re well educated etc women not caring about their partner's earning potential, I would disagree from my pool of friends. It's a bit like "I accomplished allllll this, don't you cocklodge. Match me at bare minimum and then make it worth my while by impressing me by doing something I can't" - and given the world, and corporate world in particular, is rigged in favour of men, them exceeding us is equivalent to them achieving the "matched" lower rung of what we have achieved

My syntax and sense there is awful!

• my father was not academic but very street smart and he instilled in us that education was a means to a happier life. I am very well educated and have the alphabet of letters after my name etc etc. he got rich through manual labour and did the usual thing of "I want a better life for you"

But I can see the link you're making. I think that's interesting.

I can't speak for my parents, but for me, I would say I look for a high earning partner because, in no particular order

1. I like nice shit
2. I have been resentful of men I've dated who earn the approximately same as me as I've coincidentally I've found myself having to be the adult and push them to be more ambitious
3. daddy issues alert: my dad is extremely hard working, and that's a quality I now find attractive. My husband grew up on a council estate and his drive is so attractive to me. This but combined with No 2 is like: I don't want to be with someone who could accomplish what I already can IYSWIM? I could only respect them if they could match me AND exceed me.

Yes, not to be rude but bluntly speaking, your mum was poor / reliant. I always think upbringing/family background factors in to our beliefs and exposure. I had a fortunate upbringing too, but both my mum and dad were high-flying - met in the same industry. As a genuine observation, most well-educated, well-earning women generally don't care about their partner's earning potential.

YANBU when I think how much effort most women when compared to most men take to be presentable by society’s standards for a date, putting yourself in potential danger as a women meeting a stranger I am surprised there are so many pick mes. This isn’t equality at all.

Ooh, interesting question @ziggies (I mean that sincerely). My parents are both working class - my dad left school at 15 but retired at 36. I went to private schools, swimming pool, room for a pony etc etc. My mum didn't work.

^ Or uneducated/unskilled (therefore low earning potential for the rest of their life, hence crucial for their economic survival to find a high-earning partner, which is v fair I suppose given their circumstances)

I don't really care but always think of such people that your mum / family / you must be poor?

Charities suggest you buy food rather than give money so I think he did the right thing there. Hesitating over paying wouldnt necessarily put me off, it depends on if he's a bit strapped for cash atm or if he's a cheapskate

You’re a student, he isn’t, you travelled a long way to him and he didn’t. All those reasons are enough for him to pay for your part of the bill. It’s not obligatory but he doesn’t come out as a kind and generous guy. First Big red flag right there. Why did you had to travel that far? Why not meet half way or him come to you as you’re a student? Second big red flag. The Performance charity Because he wants to impress his date is the third red flag 🚩

This guy is a commie parade.