Fed up with

so keep working hard, be pleased for your family

^

Who are you, the friggin Pope or what?

And the op says in the original post that they moved because they can't afford to live near the GPS. Out of necessity. I

feel you, op.

Oh blah blah with all the Puritan rubbish

Envy, jealousy, etc. Give me a break.

You're allowed to be envious op, life ain't fair and they are rubbing it in. Your sister should have more bloody empathy.

I look around me at all the family support that people have ane it makes a huge difference to your income/work life balance.

If the grandparents do all the leg work, then yes, you can work harder and earn more. It eases the load in so many ways.

Yanbu op. 30 min away and they can't find the time to offer you some childcare? That's grossly unfair. My dps are 9000 miles away and they come over 2x a year to come spend time and really help us with the dc. My siblings who live closer get to benefit from having them closer and they help my dps out more too as well. Your parents are not only treating you unfairly but they have clearly made this distinction between the GC too. Putting your situation aside, anyone who speaks with throwing around money, brands and names I would just give a wide swerve. Actually the cheek of her complaining about her morning when your dp are doing the actual parenting. Well they need to be the ones there for your parents when they need them later on.

I dont have a handbag i have a back pack that my son was gonna put in the bin.
I work i dont own i rent from HA.
But i feel richer than anyone.

£4500 on a handbag?? What a waste of money no matter how much money you have. Does she know a £50 one works just as well? I can't get over spending that on a little bag - and telling everyone the price is really crass.

I'm going against the grain but of course you are going to be envious @AVFC4eva .
It is difficult watching people live seemingly easy lives whilst you are struggling and your sister is not only tone deaf but completely classless. There is no way I would be flashing a fancy hand bag around when I knew my sister was struggling financially.
At the end of the day they can have as many holidays and handbags as they like but a little bit of understanding with regards to your situation would go a very long way.
Also, you live 30 minutes away from your parents? It takes me about that length of time to get to my nearest supermarket....they are being utterly pathetic if they are using you 'moving away ' as an excuse not to spend time with you.
I would be distancing myself from all of them.

I understand your annoyance with her bragging about her expensive handbag but people only mention prices when they want to make others feel inferior. I think bragging behaviour is quite pathetic.

The help they get from grandparents is a different issue. It is OK for you to feel like your life is worse because you haven't been given the same opportunities

I kind of get it, Op. Pp's sre saying you are envious and it's true but in these circumstances i don't think you're completely Aibu being envious. Have you ever asked gp's for help and what has been their response? A 30 minute car journey isn't like the other side of the country. I understand you're worried about money but I wouldn't say anything to the flashy sil/sis because that will look like jealousy. Some people like her have no filters/self awareness.

Im sorry you are having a hard time. It does sound really unfair. If it was me I'd be calling my mum and saying I'm having a really hard time mum can we go for a coffee and have a chat. And explain more about what's going on. If you are more connected she might be able to put herself in your position a bit more. Your DH could do the same with his parents. If I want a night out I will take the kids to my parents to make it easier for them and book several weeks in advance.

I wouldn't be envious of them, they sound about as classy as an Iceland pizza.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣😂🤣

You have moved half an hour away from your parents. It’s unreasonable of you to expect them to travel an hour round trip to offer you regular childcare. I’m sure if you didn’t move then things would be different. But you did so you can’t hold it against them.

You sound envious of your sisters financial circumstance. It’s not her fault how much money she has so stop holding it against her.

By distancing yourself, you’ll have even less of a chance of support. You can turn this around for the better.

Get in touch with your in laws and ask when they might be able to have your children for a day or evening next, have some quality time with your husband.

You might not be able to get on holiday this year but that doesn’t mean you should sabotage other parts of your life and I really don’t mean that to sound harsh, no good will come from what you’re proposing and may make you feel even worse. I really think it’s worth a try and turning it round!

How can the grandparents look after your children if you chose to move away from the area?
If you had stayed near to them, would your careers have progressed to the same extent?
I think that some careers have better earning potential and prospects than others and that you and your DH’s career choice is probably less lucrative.

However, I agree how insensitive your sister is, bragging about her expensive handbags and holidays in front of you.

You could distance yourselves a little or call them out when they start bragging.
Make it light hearted if possible to avoid any fallout.

What did they say when you told them you felt like you need some emotional support?

I can relate to the childcare aspect and what I did was pull away completely. I never ask for any help. Have raised my children solely alongside my partner. Take full credit for how bloody amazing they are too and rather enjoy that I can.

I empathise with you. We are 45 min away from pil. They were never particularly hands on with ds which I was slightly hurt by but assumed they weren't that into children. Until Dn was born. Sil and bil live a couple of streets away from pil and from day 1 have had a lot of childcare. This has enabled sil and bil to work full time and progress in their careers. We rarely had childcare as often they have dn and don't want both together. This is despite the fact that sil has bils parents and siblings to share child care and we have no one else.

I use to resent sill and bil with their money and support. But I've learnt to accept it and I feel better for doing si

They can’t really help as much if you’re half an hour away, although I get why you moved. It is hard but it’s not really anyone’s fault. If I were in their position I would try to have more tact though.

Anyone flashing a £4500 bag is rather crass imo. My db is far wealthier than us - he has a Cambridge degree in economics and works in hedge funds. I’m in the nhs and on a good banding but not comparable. The difference is db never makes me feel less than. If you had that kind of money would you actually want that life op?

I do believe that GP should try to be as even handed as possible when it comes to being free childcare and do feel sympathy towards you for that.

But I also believe in celebrating other's success, especially the success of people you love.

You and your H chose to have three kids, which is a lot, they're not triplets. You decided to take three hits of maternity leave (& potentially paternity leave) on your careers and create the need for three lots of childcare, which is HUGELY expensive, everyone knows that.

You are responsible for the decision you've made in terms of number of DC, knowing it would be costly, have a big impact on your careers and chances to go on holidays etc.

There are people who have no children or stop at one because they want nice holidays and less childcare costs etc; that was an option for you.

You also chose a career in teaching, which tends not to have the salary which leads to £4.5k handbags, but does mean you get to spend the school holidays with your kids and potentially don't need as much childcare as your siblings.

You need to remember that you steer the wheel of your own destiny and some small turns at the start of your life, have big impacts further down the line.

Your siblings steered in a different way, with different outcomes. It maybe that you end up closer to your DC than they are to theirs because they're more career focused/use more GP childcare, so there may be gains to your situation too, which you just aren't feeling yet.

Have your siblings always been treated so differently? Your parents sound like they have no boundaries in place to either enjoy their retirement, build their own social life or see ALL of their children and grand children. It sounds like you have a parent and sibling problem and yes of course that will make you feel envious and excluded.

The stately homes thread might be of help as many of us have family problems and are forced to be no contact or low contact. I’m currently no contact with all of my siblings and very low contact with my parents.

If I was you yes I would stop contact and see what happens and if your sister notices or if things improve. As for your DH and his family that’s up to him to deal with not you.

And btw half an hour away is no distance at all. I’m hundreds of miles from my family now and that’s used as a feeble excuse for not seeing me/treating me differently. But in reality when I lived in the same town no one socialised with me or saw me my mum would have mum daughter days with one of my sisters I asked once if I could be included and was told a definite no as that was their time. I was never given a time. And before I moved a long distance my mother and some other family members and siblings moved an hour and a half from me and it was expected that I’d drop everything and drive there whenever they wanted my child, I’d do the drive then be asked to leave as I was not invited.

Mmm, I can understand why you feel aggrieved with the lack of childcare which you aren't being offered, DHs DB gets weekly childcare and overnights every other week and has done for 8 years, yet we can count on one hand when we've asked for help (which they've been happy to do, they just don't offer) in the last 13 years. However, we did choice to live 1.5 hours away rather than 15 minutes away.
From DHs family's perspective of our family life, materially we possibly look as if we have a high standard of living, 2 naice cars, I have good handbags, clothes, kids in numerous after school clubs, I've taken a career break this year. Yet, only a few years ago we were really struggling financially, my health (cancer diagnosis) was awful and it's just with my DHs work mentality we are now reaping the results of his hard work with my support.
I suppose what I'm saying is things aren't always how they look.

Your parents sound awful to be honest. Surely they can see that it seems like they favour your sister? Have you spoken to them about it?

I’m always a bit 🙄 with people who rely so heavily on their parents to be honest. Obviously some childcare is fine but the ones who simply cannot function in their adult lives without their parents’ help every single day are a bit…pathetic, to be honest.

I just couldn’t ask my parents or in-laws to sacrifice their well-earned retirement in this way and to such an extent. One woman I know has her parents do all their childcare. They drop off and pick up the kids from school every single day without fail. And yet their daughter complains bitterly on the rare occasions they dare to take a holiday - “what are we supposed to dooooo??”. I dunno maybe put your hand in your pocket and pay for wraparound like the rest of us..?

My mum has friends who do the bulk of the childcare for their grandkids and whilst they clearly love the children, it’s hard. It’s a burden/chore. They are too tired. But they don’t feel able to say anything. I think a lot of parents make the mistake of assuming that the grandparents should feel honoured to care for the children but I think in many cases reality kicks in and the novelty wears off quickly. Who really wants to be chasing a two year old around day in, day out when they’re 65-odd?

And before anyone accuses me of jealousy, we could have done it that way. My in-laws are round the corner and said they were happy to help. They are good people, who often put themselves second, but it didn’t feel right to put that huge responsibility on to them. They’ve done their time and should be free from these responsibilities now. They genuinely enjoy our kids when they have them (which is not often) and it’s not a burden to them. I’d hate for my children to be a chore or a burden on anyone. Who’d want that?