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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

295 replies

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
Noyesnoyes · 14/04/2024 17:43

PuttingDownRoots · 14/04/2024 17:41

This trips involve a lot of hanging around, chatting with your mates waiting your turn. Its not constant activity.

What's the point you're trying to make?

TheExclusiveSandwich · 14/04/2024 17:42

TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:12

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

I would phone school tomorrow and explain the sudden change of heart. Ask them to have a quiet word with her and establish if it is nerves/emotional bullying by the mate/ fear etc

Schools are really used to this

PuttingDownRoots · 14/04/2024 17:41

This trips involve a lot of hanging around, chatting with your mates waiting your turn. Its not constant activity.

TheBlueRoad · 14/04/2024 17:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WittiestUsernameEver · 14/04/2024 17:40

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

What treat them as a responsible person who does what they say, and follows through and appreciates what others do for them and realise how they could do the same for others one day

I'm sure you would be happy for your child to be a fickle wishy-washy person who happily watches other people work to provide them opportunities, and then just tell the same person that...nah, actually I can't be fucking bothered and couldn't give a shit that you worked extra hours for me...but I know what kind of young person I'd like to raise.

Ultravox · 14/04/2024 17:39

I’d tell her she has to go. No excuses.

OhamIreally · 14/04/2024 17:39

Ask her how she will feel when her friends are back from the trip and all sharing stories and laughing about the great time they've had and she is left out and not part of it.

And yes, insist she goes. She will thank you for it.

RaininSummer · 14/04/2024 17:38

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

You seem soft touch. I would say go or pay for the missed holiday.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 14/04/2024 17:38

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

She doesn't get to piss £500 of OP's hard earned money up the wall because she's decided that something she begged for is now "not her thing".

PineappleTime · 14/04/2024 17:37

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

Pathetic.

PineappleTime · 14/04/2024 17:37

My DS was given the opportunity to go on a sports trip with school for £950 which is obviously a lot of money. I agreed on the basis that he paid half. He managed most of it (and I let him off the last £80) but I think by having to work and give me his Christmas money and sell his things he was more invested in it. If she thinks she can just decide not to go without any financial impact on her then she doesn't understand the value of money enough and you absolutely need to'fine' her so she learns, not to mention paying you back for the extra work you did to pay for it. She either pays you back or she goes.

Noyesnoyes · 14/04/2024 17:37

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

And you'll be bringing a child that thinks commitment is irrelevant!

Carry on if you like.

likepebblesonabeach · 14/04/2024 17:36

When I read your title I presumed YABU, reading your actually post you absolutely are not.
I agree with the other posters who say she should go, she has to learn her actions, by begging to go, have consequences and financial ones at that.
The one thing I would worry about tho is how can you force her if she is adamant she's not going, you can't obviously manhandle her on to the coach.
If she does end up not going she absolutely has to pay you back for the trip

Janetime · 14/04/2024 17:35

That’s utterly brutal. I don’t think I could treat any child like this never mind my own. But hey if you need or want the money.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 14/04/2024 17:35

I'd be sending her.

Activity holidays are always as you described. Unless there's a medical reason she can't participate then I'd be sending her on her way. Next time she should think before she whinges about being left out.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/04/2024 17:33

ReallyUAreAnElegantChap · 14/04/2024 17:31

I'd give her the option of going or paying you back via birthday present money. Or Id force her to go

Absolutely. And if she continues to whinge that it's "Not fair"; OP - DO NOT back down. Make sure you 'get back' the money you paid and I'd never pay for another school trip again.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2024 17:32

Id give her the choice of either repaying the money or going on the trip.

SallyWD · 14/04/2024 17:32

Just send her. I think she's probably just nervous. I remember feeling scared before trips. She'll have a brilliant time!

ReallyUAreAnElegantChap · 14/04/2024 17:31

I'd give her the option of going or paying you back via birthday present money. Or Id force her to go

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/04/2024 17:30

She is going on the trip. That's the end of it. No way would I allow this. What a cheek!

WittiestUsernameEver · 14/04/2024 17:30

Tough luck, she has to go.

mollyfolk · 14/04/2024 17:29

I think I’d count to 20, breathe and not let on how frustrated you feel (because you must be fuming) Try and sit down and calm, non frustrated conversation of how you really worked hard for her to go , and you were happy to work your ass of for her , for something she wanted so much as you love her so much and now your surprised she doesn’t want to go. I wonder does she have cold feet all of a sudden? About staying away from home or something to do with her friendship group. Hopefully you could have a conversation about it and sort it out,

if not I’d probably insist she went as well. She’s committed at this point. But I’d start from a softer position to she if she will open up.

**just read your update. I think I’d be putting my foot down nicely about her going. Maybe she’ll enjoy it, maybe not but it’s paid for now.

Original poster
TheGreyPeer · 14/04/2024 17:28

So some further info.
She has said she doesn’t want primarily because she’s now got the itinerary and knows everyday will be activities like rock climbing, rowing, archery etc. She knew this was an activity holiday from the start, but they only recently got the itinerary. She thought although it would be outdoors activity but thought it wouldn’t be as intense and they would be going to other places like beaches etc and mainly be relaxing. She always knew this was an adventure outdoor holiday. But now she knows that 90% of the day will be activities she just doesn’t want to go. There is no medical reason or anything preventing her from such activities or phobias, it’s just “not her thing” as she said.

She has been on residential trips before, they went to London for a few days where the activities were just museums and London dungeons etc and loved it.

OP posts:
cardibach · 14/04/2024 17:27

Nonewclothes2024 · 14/04/2024 17:21

Out of interest , how do you 'make ' her go ? Although I agree she should go.

How do you ‘make’ a teen do anything? You say they have to. You follow through.

Noyesnoyes · 14/04/2024 17:27

She'd be going.... end of!