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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is really daft re DH & gift?

42 replies

Bouncycastleinthesky · 14/04/2024 14:27

DH & I are meeting his side of the family this weekend.SIL (DH’s younger sister) and her partner recently bought a place, naturally I suggested buying them something as a congratulations (nothing massive, even just a bottle of bubbly or a nice candle). DH is saying no as SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn’t get us anything when we bought our place recently. AIBU to thing so what and who cares? I pressed DH further as I wanted to understand why he’s bothered and he said SIL has form for this and being spoiled/not paying way etc etc. I said fine whatever I’ll get something myself to give to them and he said he’d not be going if that was the case as he feels so strongly about it. Should I just stay out of it? The thing is I don’t want to look like the tight sod who didn’t buy a gift, I guess I care about what people think of me and also I think it’s not an expensive gift anyway so I couldn’t get worked up about it. DH obviously feels otherwise!

OP posts:
PastaBaby2024 · 14/04/2024 15:52

My DP's family is the same. I didn't listen at first and though I don't give to receive. But years down the line, the resentment has started to build up. So I stopped and wish I had done so sooner. His family really do give NOTHING to each other. Nothing. They're so fucking tight for no reason. LISTEN to your man. It's his family, he knows them better than you.

alibongo5 · 14/04/2024 15:51

You say " The thing is I don’t want to look like the tight sod who didn’t buy a gift" but they didn't mind doing exactly that so I'm not sure why you would?

belfastjun · 14/04/2024 15:21

SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn't get us anything when we bought our place recently.

YABU.

They didn't bother to get you anything so why are you going out your way to get something for them, especially when your DH is so against it? It sounds like he's got valid reasons.

TTPD · 14/04/2024 15:16

DH is saying no as SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn’t get us anything when we bought our place recently. AIBU to thing so what and who cares?

I agree with him. Not from a point of view of getting back at them, or doing it as a tit for tat "you didn't get us anything so we aren't getting you anything!!" point of view. But because it seems like in his family, there is a precedent for not buying gifts for a new house, so it's fine to stick with that. I've never bought my siblings a house warming present, and they've never bought me one. None of us mind at all as it's just not something we do in the family.

HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2024 15:05

I think you buying a gift is undermining him in the way he wants to manage his relationship with his sister, so I think you should support his stance, even though you think he’s being petty.

He has got a point about her not buying him a house-warming present, hasn’t he? It may not be that she’s spoiled (his interpretation) - it may just be that she isn’t a fan of giving gifts for every life event.

LilyofftheValley · 14/04/2024 15:05

Are you going to their house?

Surely, in any circumstance, you wouldn't turn up empty handed anyway? So just get a bunch of flowers and a bottle of bubbly and tell DH it's just the normal gift when you'd go to someone's house.

If he is the kind that would turn up empty handed anyway, I'd probably not be with him!

NewName24 · 14/04/2024 14:52

Seems very petty, but as he feels strongly about it, and it is his side of the family, I would stay out of it, and no, not get them something when he has specifically said he doesn't want to.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/04/2024 14:43

I try not to let other peoples behaviour change my way of being, so left to me I’d buy a token gift.

DeltaAlphaDelta79 · 14/04/2024 14:42

I would usually think the same as you, but DW has a very good memory for people who don't buy gifts (assuming they can afford it) and wouldn't buy them one in the same circumstance.

Its quite draining to be honest, but if its her family I let it go, but if its mine I would just buy a token something.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/04/2024 14:41

They didn’t get you anything so that’s their norm. Support your DH.

StormingNorman · 14/04/2024 14:40

Take a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine so you don’t arrive empty handed.

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/04/2024 14:39

How would you feel if you made a decision about how to handle your sister and he decided to completely ignore your feelings?

Noicant · 14/04/2024 14:37

Even if I were being a bit petty I’d expect DH to back me up tbh. But we leave each other to decide things about each others families.

CuriousGeorge80 · 14/04/2024 14:34

I think you should respect his feeling as it’s his side of the family. There is clearly strong history on the point. I have a friend who never gives despite receiving and so I give nothing to her now and feel quite strongly about it, our relationship is fine and we are good friends but I would be pissed if my partner went over my head on it.

FusilliNom · 14/04/2024 14:29

I'd stay out of it. Leave DH to sort presents (or not) for his family

Geebray · 14/04/2024 14:29

Your DH is being petty. I get that it's his sibling, not yours, but I agree with you. You could sell it to your DH as teaching his DS that this is how reasonable people behave.

Cheeesus · 14/04/2024 14:28

Compromise and spend £10 on two bunches of tulips?

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