Partner fuming with me for this

He is policing your behaviour.

I think he’s massively over reacting. It’s just a fag for gods sake. It’s not like you shot up and saw a baby crawl across the ceiling.

He doesn’t have to like it. Complete over reaction.

Smoking is unpleasant but you don’t smoke, you had a puff. His reaction is a red flag for a coercive bully.

But would you shout and then stomp and take the huff though

It's fine for her DP to be angry. It's not fine for him to shout in her face then act appallingly afterwards.

I agree that he’s being completely over the top but I probably would also have an outsize reaction too.

I’d leave dh if he took up smoking. It’s just instant ick. I’d struggle massively with a one off. I know IABU but it is what it is.

Then he can leave. Not stomp about like the fucking boss of the house.

Oh trust me. As a former smoker I cannot bear the smell. Can’t have any ashtrays or fag ends near me. Makes me want to vomit. So I disagree we don’t find it bad

i find it worse as an ex smoker than I did before I was a smoker.

@LuckySantangelo35

Well she could have respected his views given that she claims she's not a smoker so clearly it's not important to her. Not because we should do as we're told.

But I actually meant given she knew he despises it it's reasonable to expect a negative reaction.

I agree he handled it poorly though.

He can’t stop you doing it. But he can break up with you for doing it….

I mean if that’s his deal breaker. Then so be it. You chose to smoke so that’s your choice too.

you both made the choices you made and the reactions were also your choice.

yea you’re an adult and yes if he physically stopped you then I’d be totally on your side. But he didn’t.

yoh might think his reaction is extreme. But that’s how he feels about it and that’s his right as it is your right if you want to smoke.

Op your partner doesn't know he's born.. my hubby smokes 20 a day (yes I know) has quit then started smoking again.. we get the patches and then he still smokes after the programme is up. I've been battling for years. Nurse told him to stop or prepare for bad health. I think your one fag (not even) once ever couple of years is more then acceptable.

Now you know how repellent he finds it, what’s your plan going forward?

And once again folks can’t see the bully, the controller all because it’s a cigarette?

well that’s noted

This was OTT behaviour

Oh come on people. She had a couple of drags on one cig in years!!! That doesn't make her a smoker.

His reaction is borderline abusive!!
He sounds very controlling. He 100% could have had a different reaction. This is way over the top!
I'd be wondering how he treats you without people there if I was your friend that night!

Yes he has a right to be annoyed but he doesn't have the right to go into your face and shout!

YANBU OP!

I'm with your partner, smoking is vile.

I find this very hard to understand. I used to smoke (a lot) but quit about ten years ago. Sometimes I'll still socially smoke. DP can't tell and wouldn't be happy about it if he knew. I get why people would find a new smoking habit a deal breaker, but I don't really get why social smoking would be. It smells, but so do lots of things, for example takeaways. I couldn't be with someone who ate a takeaway every night, but once a month would be fine. Surely you just brush your teeth and wash your hands to get rid of the smell. You only get that long lasting smoke smell from smoking regularly, not just from one every now and again.

It seems to me that people who have never smoked treat it almost like a drug, like something you can't do in moderation. But you absolutely can smoke once a month and be fine.

Yanbu. He behaved liked an idiot.

So alcohol makes it fine for the OP to have a "couple of puffs" but it's not fine for her DP to get angry, presumably also having drunk a bit?

He was commenting every time the friend went out for a smoke. The OP's response was not to support him or respect that he doesn't want smoke or the smell of smoke around him, but to go outside with the smoker and join in! If it's such a valued friendship why can't the guest not smoke for a few hours?

He sounds like a Victorian patriarch, huge turn-off. 🤮

You were most definitely NBU, OP.

@DiamondArtists I think you're wrong. I smoked for 29 years and stopped almost 30 years ago. I have no desire to smoke and will never do so again. I am definitely not a smoker. However I'm not at all anti smoking and have some sympathy for smokers and how they are ostracised nowadays. I wouldn't ask a smoker who was visiting me to smoke outside, but I think everyone does so nowadays anyway. If I end up smelling of smoke because I've been in close proximity to a smoker, then I can wash my clothes and have a shower afterwards; similarly, I can open my windows and air the house if someone smokes indoors. Of course, I would feel differently about someone smoking in the house if I had young children.

This time it was because you had a cigarette. What will it be next time… because of something you’ve bought, have drunk or are wearing? Make no mistake, he’ll find something.

Yanbu your an adult and can do whatever you want

@Loloj temporarily exhibited poor judgement that doesn’t justify his aggressive OTT reaction. He maintained a huff & terse atmosphere to demonstrate his displeasure, to punish and humiliate her. The issue is his disproportionate reaction to a minor episode eg smoking. It’s not like she smoked crack. She had a few puffs on a fag. Doesn’t make her a smoker ,she’s not planning to light up again. He has forcefully exerted his displeasure and that’s alarming, a few drags on a fag is not worth all this hoo ha

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was over a glass of wine.

There have been many, many threads on here of women seriously angry that their husbands came home absolutely hammered as a one off. Almost every single response was that while the husband is unreasonable for getting that drunk there’s no need to be so angry about a one off. And many responses talking about the women being controlling for not wanting her husband to have fun. In one the OP mentioned growing up with an abusive alcoholic parent and she was told to get counselling as it isn’t fair to control someone else just because of your own trauma.

I’ve never seen a thread about a single glass of wine because absolutely everyone would agree that the spouse is unbelievably controlling.